Adoption update

So far, there isn’t much to report on the adoption front. We have four homestudy agencies in our province, and so far, three out of four of them have said no to updating our homestudy. I’m working on the third (again) and the fourth.

It’s proving extremely difficult to adopt any child over 7 years old. One agency has a “no kids over 6” policy. Another is fine with older child adoption, but has a “no out of birth order” policy. (The third says they don’t have the capacity.)

As someone that runs a nonprofit, I understand risk management. I get that if you’ve been burned a few times, you put a policy in place to avoid the risk. I don’t blame the agencies at all. They are all great agencies…

BUT it seems a crying shame that no one wants to look at our particular case, or the particular kids we are interested in… We’ve been caught between policies, and two kids may or may not get adopted because of it.

Is it truly impossible to adopt a child over 6 years of age, out of birth order, into BC right now?

Guess well wait and see what agency #4 says….

Tango partner: Better with you

Tonight, Jason and I left in a furor to Tango lessons. We were in a rush to get out the door – he had a dog come in at the end of the day at the clinic, and I was trying to make dent in the chaos that was our house. So the suppertime was late, neither of us was out of our uniform, and we spent the first half hour of babysitter time eating with the kids (and the babysitter.) When we finally got out the door, I was feeling very grateful that we still managed to pull off date night at all.

First, we went shopping for fall coats for the girls, and then spent a fun hour laughing at ourselves dancing at tango.

Another video of us dancing for you – you can see we have improved. (Start at 2:25)

When we got home, Jason snuck upstairs and started watching football at an obnoxious volume. He retreated into his “nothing box” and left me to clean up dishes and air conditioners and the like. Grrr… I was pretty annoyed. It was a long day for all of us, and I just wanted some peace in the house to sleep with.

But an hour later, I’ve focussed back on the positive. I’ve decided to give his late night lackadaisical behavior a hall pass.

You know, they say that grounds for marital strife are one partner teaching another to drive, and dancing lessons. The people who make these sayings should have included higher stressors, like starting a business together! But here we are, working together almost every day, and for the most part, loving it. We are so complementary, and have been able to do something together neither of us would have alone. We are taking great care of our kids, and reasonable care of each other. And we are getting to dancing lessons, one day a week, where we step on each other’s toes and laugh at our mutual awesomeness. We’ve got it pretty good.

Feeling grateful for my partner in life, business and dancing…

Uphill battle to adopt teens from fostercare

Tonight I’m pretty bummed out. Life is generally good – the kids are doing well, our new business is picking up and Africa Sleeps is flourishing. I’m getting time with my husband to tango each week, and everyone in my immediate family is healthy.

BUT… I am so incredibly frustrated with our potential US fostercare adoption. It seems like a whole bunch of factors are against us, and I wonder why it needs to be this difficult.

First, we found them.

I watched their video late one night, by accident. I was trolling the waiting children lists for young boys to adopt. One of the county sites didn’t screen by age, and doing the scroll, I came across their video.

They were so lovely – I just couldn’t believe how much we had in common. We have so many similar interests, and our personalities seem to compliment. I laughed at their jokes, smiled ceaselessly to myself, and thought “these kids are perfect for us.”

A sister and a brother – both vibrant, funny, determined, and so supportive of each other. Lovely kids… in their teens.

The next day, I hesitantly showed Jason and the girls the video. I expected him to laugh in my face – these are teenagers that I was interested in. They were the furthest thing from our plans. But the girls’ said they thought the “big kids” were great… and soon after the girls went to bed, Jason started figuring out how to divide one of the rooms in our house. He’s not a hasty man. To the contrary – he’s always dragging his heels. But when he saw that video, and over the following weeks, he couldn’t help but he drawn in. IT was so obvious – the kids were perfect for us.

I was smitten – but I wanted to know more. The second time you adopt, you ask the hard questions. You know what you can handle and aren’t afraid to walk away. I spent the next couple of weeks on the phone with the kids’ adoption recruiter, our US adoption agency, and then the kids’ guardian ad litem and case worker. Jay and I made ourselves late for work in the morning several times, talking to the people who know them, and learning about the hell they have been through. Suffice to say, no children spend years in care without having been through a lot. But the more we learned, the more we were interested.

I talked at length with my friends, my sister, my mom. A few people thought we were nuts – but many, especially those that have a good understanding of adoption and teens, lent their support.

For the record, I know teen adoption has a large element of crazy – the transitions are extra rough and parents can never expect the same kind of relationship they’ve had with children grown in their care. But I truly believe that you can have an enormous influence on teens, even if they were parented by someone else. You can become family. I reflected on the teen exchange students and au pairs who had lived with us. One girl – I was second only to her immediate family in finding out she was pregnant. Another boy invited Jason and I to his wedding across the globe, because we mean that much to him, all these years after he lived with us. We’ve had a big influence on many of these kids. And most importantly – kids don’t stop needing parents when they turn 18. I’m 37, and I’m still being parented by my parents – it just looks different. But they are there for me, and their grandkids, whenever we need them. I want that for these teens.

There have been many obstacles since we saw the video two months ago. The biggest question we’ve been asking ourselves – do we really want to take this on, at this time in our lives? I mean, we are the most financially vulnerable we’ve ever been, and up to our ears with the new business. Jason’s practical side has since started to take over (as our bank accounts are dwindling..), and if you ask him now, he’d say they are the right kids for us, but it’s the wrong time. He’s on the fence. And this is one of those things where both parents have to be at least 80% on board.

The process – court, immigration… it’s all complicated. There is a reason few Canadians adopt through fostercare. There is no template, no program. Plus, with the older sister’s age, it is even more complicated. That said, our US agency put all the pieces together, and we’ve found a way. The process can work. We CAN adopt them. Check that box.

So then, two more big barriers… will our homestudy agency in Canada let us adopt teens? (We were approved for 2 children under 7.)

And then, will the kids go for it? I mean, it’s a huge decision – leave everything you know, and fly across the continent to start a new life, in a new country, with a new family? That’s one heck of a leap of faith.

Well, we may never know if the kids would go for it or not, since yesterday I found out that our Canadian agency isn’t on board. It’s just too out of the box for them, and they have a policy of no international adoptions over 6. These kids are way over 6…

There might be another agency who will support us, and update our homestudy. I’m waiting to hear back.

But time is ticking.

My husband is worried about money, trying to balance providing for his family and still interested in these American kids.

Ug.

Everything is saying “just throw in the towel. This is too hard.”

But I don’t WANT to. Dang it. I want to adopt these kids. I want to divide a room, and shuffle kids around the house, and register my new kids in highschool, update the family picture, and travel to Gramma and Grandpa’s with a near-death minivan. ( I would miss you, dear station wagon.) I want to parent these kids, and give them the family that thy deserve.

I just don’t know if I’ll be able to swing it or not.

Ten gift bags for ten special girls

My daughters and I had fun shopping for some very special teen girls on Saturday. Our dear friend Tawnya is leaving for Ethiopia next week, and is visiting the ten girls in Vulnerable Children Society’s Teenage Sex Trade Worker Retraining Program in Addis Ababa. For those of you that don’t know, Tawnya, I and a handful of other women run Vulnerable Children as volunteer directors.

The girls in Addis are currently getting training in hair dressing, and we thought they could use some tool! But also, we just wanted to let the girls know how much we care for them. Many of these girls have been rejected by their families, and have very low self esteem. It’s important that they know we are sending love, as well as money for their program.

I’m sure Tawnya will have a blast sharing these gift bags with the girls. If you would like to light up the lives of 10 more girls next year, we are currently fundraising to support another cohort of girls that would like to escape the sex trade. Please consider donating 🙂