A friend who is starting down the adoption path sent this to me – it’s a great perspective of a grown man and his mom on transracial adoption. Worth a look, and perhaps worth watching more from Adoption Learning Partners. I found it refreshing and fun.

I’m going to be away for the girls’ dance show next week (which is a bummer, cause I really want to see it,) but Jrock is taking over. He can’t go backstage like I would have been able to, but he’s ready! In fact, the girls need stage make-up, and after a few “No way! There’s no way I am doing their make-up!” protests, he’s practiced and got it down pat. Nice to know the finer points of parenting, like stage make-up, are in good hands while I’m gone! Now as long as he doesn’t take them to eat at Mcdonald’s every day….

Yes, people – those are fish eyes!

Back in February, the girls found a small radio in a geocache.  For a month or so, whenever they would travel, they would split the earbuds and listen to the radio. But the old little thing broke. So I suggested to the girls that they try to earn some money and buy a new one.

They have three money jars, and whenever they get some money, they split it between the three jars: the fun jar, the learning jar (for trips and higher ed) and the helping jar (to give to charity.) They already had $5 in their fun jars each… so they decided to collect bottles to add to it.

Well, after diligently collecting bottles for two months, I decided I would help them see the return on their invested time and energy. We took in the bottles, emptied their fun jars, and Mommy took them to buy a new MP3 player. I topped up the amount, of course, but the lesson was absolutely there. They got a splitter, two sets of kid headphones that actually ft and stay on, AND a panda-shaped speaker for their room. I have to admit, the speaker was really for me. They’ve been having a blast – they only listen to the headphones on trips, (like the 1 hour to Vernon!) but the panda speaker in the ir room has been used a lot. They were dancing to Puntomayo Islands and Tchaikovsky today. So cute!

So if you are one of the parenting school that doesn’t think we should teach our kids about procreation until they are older, teenagers, or possibly married, don’t watch the video below. Or if you don’t want to hear scientific names for male/female body parts, don’t watch the video either. It might offend you – and I don’t like to offend anyone.

But if you are of the parenting school that believes in teaching the birds and the bees earlier in life, or simply enjoy a good laugh at the innocent joy of children, click to play! (Remember, this has nothing to do with s*x for them, it’s all just about babies.)

It was a rather spontaneous conversation that had just began over dinner when I hauled out the camera. As you can see – the girls are familiar with the basics. I don’t think everyone has had the occasion to chat about these things with their three year olds, but I can tell you that my girls basically brought procreation and babies up. As soon as they could talk about it. And thanks to a little coaching from Meg Hickling (via video), I felt comfortable about answering their questions.

We have a lot of people dear to us that are pregnant right now, including Auntie V, who has “two babies in Auntie V..’s uterus!” as my daughters are proud to tell people. “Twins!” They wanted to know how babies got everybody’s uteruses. And why the babies stay in there for a long time. And when they know to come out. Surprisingly, they already had some idea (at two and a half) of HOW they came out – things you learn! The funniest event was when, days after the girls met Jrock, they mimicked birth for him with one of their dolls. OK…. that was a bit of a shocker for a new father!

But they also wanted to know if they came from my uterus, (answer – “no, from [birthmother]‘s uterus,”) and that they were together.  They’ve told me that they had a lovely time playing in their birthmom’s uterus, which is kind of funny.

Lots of adoption questions/answers make a lot more sense when they know the birds and the bees basics.

I mean, if I said “well, you came from Ethiopia, not from my uterus,” then probably, in their literalest of literal brains, they would think there was some big Ethiopian cabbage patch or something.

Because of how we were brought up and what we do for a living, Jrock and I use pretty specific language… Until we used the word uterus, the girls thought the baby was swimming around in there with the spinach omelette from supper in the mom’s stomache. Now they get there are two locales.

And when my daughters ask why they are brown and I am pink, I have good answers for them (…plus, they know about melanin.) When they ask why one of them has a big outie belly button, I have a good answer. And because we have so many babies swirling around in our lives, it gives us lots of positive opportunities to bring up their birthmom in casual conversation.

Every family is different: religion is a taboo topic in my family, so we also have our “not at the dinner table!” conversations. But talking about the birds and the bees (with carrots!) works for us. Besides, as Meg says, “it’s never easier to talk to your kids about s*x as when they are preschoolers.” So true.

(PS: The * in “s*x” is so we don’t apear in the wrong type of internet searches!)

I was reading an insightful post on the quagmire of being a mom, and getting it right by Sharla tonight. It really rang true for me – especially since I read the funniest and freakishly true magazine article on the same topic.
“The battle of all mothers” in Today’s Parent: 

When my son was four, a woman I’ll call Karen invited us over for lunch. I was excited: Her daughters were well behaved and precocious, and she seemed well connected — the kind of mom who could give me pointers on local kids’ programs. She, however, had another agenda. As soon as we sat down in the kitchen, she plopped three carrot sticks on my son’s plate and asked, “If I give you four more, how many will you have?” He stared at her blankly, until she trilled, “Girls?” All of them, even the three-year-old, sang out, “Seven!” Karen, it turned out, was the queen of the teachable moment, even if she had to invent it. When her youngest asked for a slice of apple, Karen demanded, “What letter does apple start with? Good! And what else starts with the a sound?” And so on.

My son was unfazed but, inside, I shrank. Why didn’t he know this stuff? And then: Why hadn’t I taught him? I thought Karen was a terrible show-off and quite possibly nuts, but still — she rattled me.

Why do competitive moms make us anxious and defensive, even when their game is so obvious? You probably already know the answer: Because one way or another, we all play it too.

I try not to be too judgemental, (which runs contrary to my nature,) but when you throw yourself into parenting and read every book and mull over every decision, its hard not to be married to your own parenting ideas. So when you see people doing other approaches, if it doesn’t run contrary to your values, you’re like “that’s ok. Not how I’d do it, but whatever.” But when you see someone parenting in a manner that is either completely thoughtless, or, just with different values underpinning it, well, out come the judgements.

Mom steriotypes: (funny!) 
Granola mom / BlackBerry mom / Flash card mom 
/ Fashionista mom / Sports mom from hell

Personally, I blame it on feminism. (Tongue in cheek, for those that don’t know me.) I mean, you give a woman a choice to raise a family or not, then she either

1. is a mid-thirties career woman who is used to research from experts, taking her work seriously and producing results; or,
2. has chosen being a mama as her primary vocation early-on, and also takes it seriously and puts her whole life into it.

My mom once said to me (and I paraphrase): “you know, we never used to think long and hard about if we’d have kids or not – you just did. And you didn’t plan kids around your investment portfolio or careers – you just did it. Sometimes I think parents today think too much.” She may very well be right. Maybe we plan too much. Maybe we take this whole parenting thing too durn seriously.

Then again, Mom, was this spirit of competitive one-up-mama-ship alive and well when you were parenting? (Gramma? Want to learn how to coment on a blog?!?) Or is the serious and pick-your-cult-of-parenting  approach a real generational thing? Any opinions out there?

(Come on, of course you have an opinion - you’re one of the two seriously devoted people I mentioned above!)

I have started wrapping up my contract from the last two months (which really had me and Jrock hoppin!) so I’m trying to get back into the swing of things. I sewed another nightie the other night, in preparation for summer weather… what I thought was so funny was

1. now I can try the clothes on them instead of on our dog Laughlin and

2. they sure DO look alike in pictures, wearing the same thing with the same hairdo, with the same expression, don’t they?

ANSWER: Spice left, Sugar right

This was one of the most specific, but USEFUL! tips we got from a fellow adoptive parent (thanks S!)

They toilet-train kids pretty young in Ethiopia (but breast-feed much longer,) which makes total sense if you think about it.  On one side, kids get proper nutrition longer and a safer liquids-source. On the other side, they are toilet-trained quickly because who can afford diapers? Disposables are really expensive and even cloth ones require a ton of effort and available water, too. Plus there is the whole sanitation problem.

Anyway, the result of the toilet training is that lots of younger kids who are 2 and 3 years old who come from Ethiopia to Canada are 1. toilet-trained and 2. very small little kids!

At the risk of incurring wrath of other moms, I will comment that late toilet-learning/training really is a North American thing; perhaps all these millions of kids in so many other cultures aren’t scarred for life by learning earlier toileting. Maybe something our culture could learn from?

Anyway, if you have a younger kid coming, THE ONLY (I swear) underwear that fit girls as tiny as ours were are the Disney Princess panties (size 2) found a Walmart. Who knew? No other store remotely sells this small of panties. They are so tiny.

Some kids do end up needing some pull-ups at night, but I can count the times on two hands that our girls have had an accident (total for both girls) and some of those were in their warm and toasty snowsuits (they are like pee cultivators, or something.)

The good news is, after 8 months, our girls have officially graduated to size 3 underwear! They still are wearing the Disney Princess ones because any other brand size 3 is too big. So carefully check the weights on your kids and compare them with the package. Sorry, I don’t know the boy equivalent, but I’m sure someone could add it as a comment.

One thing that parents have to be aware of when we adopt transracially is that our family becomes conspicuous.  Anonymity does not exist for us anymore, unless we go out without our kids, of course. Then we just – blend.

I think every family in this situation has some variation along the theme, but we do get 5000+ comments every time we leave the house.  Ok, so seriously, if we walk tot he pharmacy and the grocery store, for example, I may have 4-10 people randomly talk to us or make a comment about the girls.  It’s better when we go to our neighborhood stores, because people recognize us (remember the conspicuous thing) and we’re not pestered as much.  Of course, sometimes people think if they have seen you a few times they can ask deep personal questions, but that’s not often.

This is my philosophy about the whole questions thing. this just came up on a discussion board and I Thought I would carry it over to the blog.

WE ANSWER FOR OUR KIDS’ EARS. Even if they aren’t there (because we need to practice anyway.) For every question, there is an answer/message that you want your kids to hear, to reaffirm their identity, security and self-esteem.

So when people say “aren’t they beautiful?” which is like 40000 times a day, we say “yes they are” (cause they are!) or “they’re smart too!” (cause we don’t want it to be all about looks.)

Where are they from? “We live in Kelowna.” or “We’re from Kelowna. The girls are originally from Ethiopia.”

“They’re twins, right?” -> “yes, double the fun!” (although we often feel like saying double the trouble but that isn’t the message we want to give our kids 3000x a day.)

We don’t get much more than that on a daily basis, because of the twins thing, but some other questions like “they’re adopted, right?” you can say stuff like “We became a family seven months ago.”

Or the other one is “my cousin’s neighbor’s sister adopted a kid from – eh, maybe China, I think…” We say “Adoption is a wonderful way to build a family.”

So to the parents / parent-to-be and other family members who feel ill-prepared to deal with the questions, remember, you may see this person again or not, but your kids are always listening. And like it or not, we all ARE adoption role models as conspicuous families, so the sharp retort to a well-meaning busybody isn’t appropriate.  (Unless they are rude or racist and then you can tell them so and turn your back.) We want our kids to be proud of us and our families… And although being asked questions at every store and coffee shop can be annoying, modelling grace for our kids is for sure the best bet.

Before we had the girls, we got much more brutal questions, though.  I can’t tell you how many people asked bluntly or not so bluntly if we are infertile. (Answer – never tried! so you never do know.) Some people would immediately launched into “some couple somewhere adopted these terrible kids and it all went downhill from there” stories. Loved that. Lots and lots would say “Oh, they (soon to be identified kids) are so lucky!” which is genuine but of course not the whole story.  A good few asked us in an accusing way why we weren’t adopting from Canada. 

ANYWAY – we practiced answering for our kids. “Lots of people cme to adoption that way, but it’s not our story.” “Children are always a surprise, no matter how they come to you, aren’t they?”  “We feel very lucky and blessed too.” and “Children everywhere are of equal value.  This was the right program for our family.”

Hope these examples help some of you waiting out there! Anybody else want to share?

Of course all of you who have kids know this, but I feel like venting anyway.

Sugar has a snotty nose and what appears to be the early onslaught of an eye infection, so she’s bullish and indifferent this morning.  Spice had a bad dream last night and didn’t seem to sleep well after.  She’s whinging and wimpy and fed up with the general injustice of the world.

I didn’t sleep much either. I stupidly had one of those International Delight drinks before supper and the caffeine kept me tossing until at least 11pm.  Then the midnight visit and backrubs by the bedside after Spice’s bad dream pretty much annihilated any solid sleep last night.

I plunk them in the tub, hoping to distract them with floating styrofoam toys, but the water’s too hot (same temperature as always) and they don’t want to stay in the tub. Once they’re clothed, I try to escape into the bathtub myself with lavender and A Year in the World dangled above the water. But cat screeches, sqawks and brawny “Mommmmyyyyyy!”s permeate the door.  How many times do I have to step out of the water and leave wet footprints across the hallway to break up a fight or take away the offending laundry hamper they’re determined not to share?  I have no idea how parents with kids who fight all the time do it.  I just want to join in.

Finally pruned and through a chapter, I step into the hall.  They’re sprawled on the floor like a two-headed Chimera in their matching pink rose-covered hoodies. “Can we have a snack?”

“Sure.”

Three minutes of quiet while they munch on oranges and apples, trading bites back and forth.  Please let this day be over soon.

Jrock clipped this out of the paper for me.  Ya think he’s making fun of me?

(Not wanting to risk copyright infringement, I linked to the original on the artist’s blog.) 

I’d like to take a bit of your reading time and talk about how our attachment and relationship growth has gone with the girls. I think a bunch of you will be interested, especially our family, and all our readers who have or who are waiting to adopt kids.

We’re almost at the 6th month mark now, if you count our time in Ethiopia together. So that’s not quite five months for Jrock but more than that for me and the rugrats.

Straight to the point of the title – I don’t think that the girls really realized who we were until about a month and a half ago. I mean, I think they thought we were just people called “Mommy” and “Daddy”, despite knowing that we had other names. It was only when they started the conversation one day about ababas and mamas that they started to solidify our roles. (Ababa is Daddy in Amharic and Mama is Mommy in Amharic/Oromo.) It delighted them to call us by these new titles, and now, they probably call us Mama and Ababa at least half the time – especially if they are feeling close or cuddly. Jrock especially really likes his new name.

So how did we get to where we are now? We knew that we wouldn’t necessarily love our kids the moment we met them. I mean, I was enamoured with the idea of them, since I had poured over pictures of them for 10 months before we met. But we didn’t really know them. So three things have evolved over the course of 6 months: loving each other, liking each other, and feeling like we are each others’ Mama, daughter, and Ababa.

The loving stuff is easy to talk about. I think I was already in love with them when I met them, but loving each other as individuals has grown over time. Because I saw them through the very very difficult grieving process in the first few weeks, I think that bonded me to the girls in a significant way. Jrock, he’s never had that intensity of time and needing. So it’s been slower but steady with him. For the girls – well, they said they loved us early on. But I think we had totally unrealistic expectations of this and promoted it. I mean, as new adoptive parents, you fake it on your side until you make it. You say “we love you” way way before you actually do, because you know the kids need that safety net to trust and grow to love you. But kids shouldn’t have to fake it. I think we expected it too soon, and I would advise you not to prompt your kids about “I love you”s until they spontaneously say it for themselves. In a humble way, I can tell you that Gramma got the first genuine “I love you” from Sugar on the phone when she had flown back to Canada, leaving the girls with me in ET. I was jealous, and genuinely pleased. I think we can pinpoint the real milestones of love along the way as the girls grow to love us – like the first time Sugar volunteered to give Daddy a good night kiss, and when Spice played her first practical joke on us.

Now the liking stuff. Well. That’s more difficult. First you have to understand that Spice’s coping strategy in tough spots is to turn on the charm, be compliant and sweet. Very easy to like. Just like her Dad. And then you have to understand that Sugar is like me – tough on the surface, doesn’t like to risk getting hurt, but feels things really deeply. Two peas in a pod, actually. So as we came home to Canada and I got sick and tension mounted, oh! what a clash of forces. That kid is a contender. It’s hard to like a mom/daughter who is sharp and takes everything really personally and seriously. That said, now that I’m feeling better and we have sorted ourselves out to a large degree, I think Sugar and I are really really close. And I understand her very well. And speaking for myself, I really like her (now.) I think the feeling is mutual. Spice I’ve always got along with, so it was just easier to like her right off the bat. Jrock and I both now delight in their eccentricities, behaviours, growth and personalities. We look at old pictures of them a have a new insight into what they were feeling or going through at that time, because we know and understand them so much more.

And to the “feeling like a family” business. For myself, I felt like their mom from day 1. I can say that honestly. Maybe because I saw them through that terrible emotionally-wrought transition time. I can also say that when we arrived in Canada, I felt like my home had been invaded by aliens. Ah, the juxtaposition. And both true. Jrock, it’s been more steady and consistent (just like him!) At first, he said it was like “they’re the kids that live with me.” Then, slowly, they started to feel more like his daughters.

On the other hand, as I started this post with the Mama / Ababa discussion, I think the girls are becoming more aware of what a family is. Remember, they don’t recall every having one before. We still have huge permanency issues. I mean, they haven’t lived with us longer than any one of their stops along the way (1.5 +/- year with birth family, 6 months in orphanage, 10 months in the transition home.) They used to ask me several times a day if Daddy was coming back home again from work. And I mean every day, several times a day. Since about a month ago, that asking stopped – I think they realize Ababa is always coming home. But if they will stay with us forever? Well, if I go out shopping by myself or even when the two of us leave their room at night, they still ask if we are going “far away.” And we’ve have three notable stumbles, including my family members (Poor D and B, you’re just too darn lovable,) and a complete stranger.

The first one was when my brother visited us shortly after we got home to Canada. Five minutes after arriving (now take into account my brother is a kid magnet, warm and cuddly!) Sugar called him “Ababa” – which we had never heard her say before. So obviously Jrock’s role hadn’t quite occurred to her yet, and she was still majorly Daddy-shopping. She did repeat performances of this routine with other men to a lesser extent, ie: sidling up to interesting men of fatherly-age and doing the eye-lash fluttering… that was just the first time. I don’t think it was any coincidence that right around when she started asking from kisses from Jrock, the daddy-shopping stopped.

It was Sugar again who initiated the “no new mamas” discussion. In Calgary at a friend’s party, she looked up at an Indian lady she hadn’t even been introduced to and asked me “is this my mama?” Yikes. It caught me so flat-footed. So we started talking about how I was her mama now, and how there would be no more new mamas, etc.

Today – nothing’. At Xmas she spent 5 days with Uncle B and the rest of the fam, and clearly demonstrated her attachment to Jrock and I. It was AWESOME to see how well she did, and how she thrived in the extended family scene, without any confusion about who her parents were.

Not the same thing could be said for her sister – which leads me to the third milestone event. Spice has been a mush-pot cuddler from day 1. She attached much faster to Jrock, starting even in Ethiopia, and really never daddy-shopped at all. It was to our dismay and astonishment when at Christmas she started crawling all over her Auntie D (who she had just met in passing once before). Then she started waking up from her naps very upset, but refused to be comforted by Jrock or me (I mean back-arching, running way from us and everything!) which has never ever happened with her before. She started to reject me, like not letting me kiss her booboo but asking Auntie D to do it (and Auntie D, not knowing what was going on, kissed the finger instead of directing her back to me.) When we got home, it escalated. Spice told me in no uncertain terms that she wanted a new mama. And she wanted to go live with Auntie D (although note: she couldn’t remember her name.) She wouldn’t look me in the eye and didn’t laugh or joke like usual. It was a horrible few days. So we talked more and more about “no new mamas” until a few days ago, she conceded that she wanted to stay here after all. Several times a day, she runs up to me and says out of the blue “no new mama?” Seriously. And, at her request, we’ve been reading over and over “A Mother for Choco”, the story where a little mother-less bird gets a bear for a mama.

Now, as much as I was trying not to leap to the conclusion, the attachment specialist we went to see said that in both “mama” incidents, it was no coincidence that the anon Indian lady and my sis-in-law have medium-dark skin. Let me put it bluntly: they’re starting to notice skin colour, in a three-and-a-half year old way, and that my pink is not the same as their brown. And, the specialist thinks that the warm familial atmosphere at Xmas combined with a really nice, welcoming (and she is!) cinnamon-coloured auntie flashed our little Spice back to the first mama. And she was confused as all heck.

So that’s not to say “steer clear of all nice ladies who look like your kids,” AT ALL. I guess it just means that the subconscious is alive and well, the girls’ age is starting to raise some other questions, and attachment, permanency, and the role of the family are NOT linear processes. Although our girls are doing remarkably well in general in the attachment area (according to the specialist) it doesn’t mean that everything is clear and secure in their minds. They have questions as they grow and learn – some which can be voiced as succinctly as “is that my mama?” and some which are demonstrated behaviourally and unconsciously, like our daughter mixing up her auntie and her birth mom, and rejecting us.

We’ve come a LONG way in 6 months. We still have a ways to go, and these things will all fluctuate over time, as the girls develop. But we all love each other now. We like each other – most of the time, anyway! And Mama and Ababa will not “go far away” – something we reassure our daughters about every single day.

When Jrock ad  set out on our “Adoption Journey” we started going to seminars, doing our homestudy homework, and I read a ton of books on parenting.  We had a lot of discussions, mostly in our car on long trips, about our approach as parents and how we were going to handle certain situations.  We decided that attachment parenting, or our version thereof, would be the bet fit for us, our kids, and the way our family came together – adoption.  In a nutshell, for those who don’t know, attachment parenting is based on the following premises:

• When children as babies and very young, they attach to their caregivers and learn to trust as the caregivers meet their needs in a consistent way – ie: cry/food; cry/cuddles.
• If children have stable, nurturing relationship(s) with their primary caregiver(s), they learn to connect, reciprocate, and essentially, to love.  These early interactions in the first few years of life set the stage for self-assured kids, then adults, who are able to interact with others and form positive relationships.
• Kids who are adopted have always, at one level or another, had these relationships disappear.  And the more a kid is moved from caregiver to caregiver, the less stable her base and the weaker her ability to attach/trust/love. In many cases, reactive attachment disorder can occur where the child is indiscriminately affectionate, (like crawling all over or kissing complete strangers,) and unable to reciprocate true love or affection.
• Attachment parenting focuses less on behavioral training and much more on cultivating strong bonds between the parents and their children.  Through eye contact, nurturing, touch, responding to needs, positive discipline with logical and natural consequences, we try to repair the damage of multiple caregivers and, over time, develop a sense of permanency and belonging in the family. Obviously, physical discipline, and physical or emotional isolation don’t have a place in attachment parenting.

Well, that’s the short version.  But anyway, the point of this post is that attachment parenting is HARD.  When our kids cry out in their beds or at night, we go to them… there is no “crying it out”, because that really isn’t appropriate for kids that have been abandoned, is it?  But that can be a ton of going to them, settling them back i, and then trying to go back to sleep. (No, we don’t co-sleep.  Their toenails are too scratchy and they jump around like acrobats.) We often don’t much sleep.

It means a lot of things that are difficult.  Like telling your relatives/friends who do and will have great relationships with the kids that they can’t comfort them or cuddle the girls or pick them up.  This is HARD to do… but you know that they need to attach to you as parents first.  Sugar especially does quite a bit of indiscriminate affection stuff, like batting her eyelashes at men who look dad-age and friendly.  She’ll climb in someone’s lap after she has known them for 2 minutes – and she really isn’t that friendly.  People don’t know she is “using” them and “daddy shopping.” They don’t get it and and it’s hard to say “please don’t let her climb on you.”

We’ve noticed Sugar is also avoiding our eye contact more over the past few weeks, and even sometimes our touch, like a shoulder caress or a kiss on the cheek.  Part of it is that she’s not mushy like Spice, but it’s more than just that. It’s her not trusting us.  And there is an obvious connection between Mommy being away at meetings at bedtime and Daddy working long hours, and her capacity to trust us coming back.  So we try to play games like “dips” (they love this!) where we they sit on our laps facing us and we dip them way back, and then when they come up to face us they give us a kiss or make eye contact (which we reward with a big smile.)  But it’s slow going, for sure.

Other abandonment things that the girls do (and I’m grouping i the big moves form the orphanage and the transition home in with abandonment, since they left everyone and everything behind each time): When Mommy or Daddy or someone else is going to sleep, they ask if they will wake up.  Every day, and I mean every time, Jrock goes to work, they ask if he is coming back.  Same with me going to a meeting or shopping. They constantly have to be reassured.  And other things, like when we said Gramma was sick one night so she couldn’t Skype, they asked right away if Gramma was going to die.  Lept right to it.  They have very little sense of permanency.

But probably the hardest part of attachment parenting is the CONSTANT neediness.  And yes, before you say it, we have been teaching them to play more independently, so now they will do playdough for like 1 1/2 hours at a go.  But during that time, they will often need to say hi, or remain within visible range.  And even though they now have learned to dress themselves, go to the bathroom be themselves, wipe their own noses, etc… they restarted asking for help all the time.  I was having a hard time with this, since I know they can do it, but they’d demand “Mommy do it!” like 3 year old tyrants over the last week or so.  It was driving me crazy and I felt hostage.  So after a good talk with Jrock and a good cry, we decided we would have zero tolerance for bossiness, (so they have to ask in a nice voice and say please, or I will ignore their request,) but if they ask, I will still wipe, hold the kleenex, put the pants on, etc.  It’s the nurturing, right, not the actual activity.  Now after four days of me meeting every *polite request, they are starting to be more independent again.  But I expect this will not be the only time we float between independence and dependence.  

Tests of trust and permanancy will likely continue in some form throughout their lives at various stages. I think this will be the most taxing on us as parents.

So it would be a lot easier to leave them cry at night.  Or give them time outs in another room. (They “time in” right beside me.) Or tell them “wipe your own butt.” Or get offended when they spurn a cuddle. Or let them crawl all over family members and friends.  But that’s not the way we’ve chosen to raise our kids. 

I am not posting this for the big sympathy plea – but just to give the parents who have chose this way (which I truly do think is the best approach for adopted kids, especially older ones) an acknowledgment of hard work and a dose of encouragement.  Lots of people don’t understand… but usually, they don’t have kids with abandonment/attachment issues. So stick to your guns, get some sleep, and don’t beat yourself up if you fall a bit off the wagon.  Climb back on – because as my Mom’s fav parenting author said: “Kids are worth i!”

A friend gave us a book (“The Baby Whisperer for Toddlers” – bad name, but good book) and inside was a small section on values-based parenting.  Well, in the work I do we also use a lot of value-based planning and value-based management.  In fact,a book that was very helpful to get our relationship off on a good foundation was “Smart Couples Finish Rich”, another good book with a bad title.  It’s about arranging the business side of your marriage (finances, responsibilities, etc.) around the things that are most important to you.

Anyway this little collection of paragraphs struck a chord with us.  We’ve had several talks since about “what is it that we really want to teach our kids?” And I don’t mean to make their beds, but rather, to be responsible for their roles as family members.  The idea is that if you have it top of mind what your core values are, as parents, then the day to day “what the heck am I going to do in this situation?” questions are easier to act on in a cohesive way.  Your responses to your kids become for long-term focused instead of reactionary.  That’s the idea, anyway!

So these are our values we have come up with so far (in no particular order) – I’m sure there will be others we add over time. Please feel free to post comments with some of your core values for parenting.

• Compassion: for people and animals.  They certainly have come a long way in understanding emotions and empathizing with the dogs and with us. A lot of this is role modelling, and then taking time to read expressions, and puppy body language.
• Self-assurance: Knowing who you are, and that you can do what you set your mind too.  We try not to help at every turn, to climb the jungle gym or do up a sweater; rather, we tell them that we believe in them and coach them to succeed.
• Responsibility: There is a big world out there and we have many roles to play, as part of a family, and as part of our community.  So we take them to rallies and drop off clothes at the Salvation Army, etc.  One other tangible thing is that we don’t waste food or water… so if they ask for something, like a half a banana, they have to finish it or eat it later. (But if we give them food, they can choose when to stop eating.)

Sugar: Our budding naturalist.

We had a quieter week – which is good because I have bronchitis (the nasty cold I caught on the plane home that just got worse and worse…) and Jrock is suffering from a nasty cough too.  We take turns sleeping on the sofa because if one person isn’t coughing like crazy the other one is. I’m on the antibiotics now, but I’m still at 70% energy – which isn’t enough with two three year olds, if you ask me!

The team of us also went out to the Gellatny Nut Farm (this is not code for us going crazy – there actually is a nut orchard on the west side of the lake) to check it out and see if it’d be a good location for our fall OKFCA gathering.  Jrock slept in the car but the girls had a great time picking nuts and throwing rocks in the water.

A funny thing Jrock said I should mention that as rookie parents of three year olds we do make a few mistakes.  Our crowning achievement to date is letting the girls play tea party right before bed (with iced tea) and by 10:30 having two wet beds.  Better yet, a wet floor, as they apparently had so much tea that it ran over the rubber mattress cover and onto the floor.  ~nice~ Lesson learned, though!

Spice: Jrock calls her our "powder puff"

Another things we have no idea about: what’s age appropriate for three year olds to learn.  Right now they are learning colours and about weeding and doing their chores by themselves (making their beds and feeding the dogs.)

Their English is fantastic, all things considered, but when I hear other three year olds talk I know we have a ways to go.  Our challenge right now is the “to be” verb… I’m repeating back their statements properly – they are flirting with sentence structure but are completely oblivious to “is” or “are.”

A question for you Moms and Dads and anyone who knows: Can you recommend a good book on emotions that we could read and study emotions together?  We’ve got happy, sad and angry down, but they are ready for a lot more (although not necessarily in the moment of frustration.)

Waiting in the tranisiton home for the big moment – Mom was really nervous too… but not like me. I was just sweating!

You’ve seen pictures and a little description of meeting the girls for the first and second times at the transition home, if you’ve been following the blog.  But here is a little more.

Trying to get a smile from them on the first day. We went walking about the yard and explored, since they were sadder inside.

The first day we went to the transition home, I wasn’t sure what we would find, considering the food situation and everything.  But the staff were holding down the fort, and after seeing the girls cry and quake, we thought definitely another day wouldn’t hurt.  It took a while for the girls to leave the social worker’s arms, and then only spice would play with me  little.  Sugar just looked forlorn.  They both cried a lot and were so scared.

Spice with her hoard of stuff – they carried around those ziplocks full of our care package (all their worldly possesions) for a week. I guess it's the first time they ever had anything of their own – and the only thing they brought from the transition home.

Sugar's face just about describes it – sad, worried and forlorn – and expectant and accepting of what is to come.

The second day we gave them their new hoodies… they were still wearing the Tshirts we had sent in our care package (back in Dec – they got it two weeks before we got there and didn’t take those shirts off for three days.  They said that they wanted to go to Canada, but not with Mommy! ~honesty, anyway. They were SO little, and so afraid.  I felt like their mommy right away, but had to take some time to get to know them so I could atually comfort them.  For the first few days they cried and cried for their teacher, who they loved and napped with every afternoon.  Like, they would scream/chant/gasp/cry “teacher – teacher – teacher” over and over and throw themselves against the door for 1 1/2 hours at a time, a few times a day.  It was brutal on everyone – but mostly for them. Some people had worse issues with discipline and acting out and willfuless… but I don’t know anyone who had a worse time with grief.  The poor little things.

Their teacher at the transition home… I think she definitely was their mother figure there.

So it was a rocky start – baptism by fire.  I expected the worst, so I wasn’t surprised, but that didn’t make it any less tough.  We thought on our feet – after a coupledays we stopped naps, which we a trigger with the teacher fits.  And once they saw I wasn’t going anywhere, they started leaning into me crying, instead of sobbing on the floor and pushing my hands away.  And we had flashes and hints of the good times to come – big smiles, Sugar’s tongues out, and Spice’s sense of humour emerging.

A hint of things to come – delight at their first ride with Mommy in the "mechina" – van!