My friend J beat me to it… I wanted to write about our lunch together yesterday, and she scooped me!

So I’m going to rip off her picture and unapologetically retell the story.

Since I went to 1/2 time work, I don’t seem to have any more time in general, but I do have a lot more time spent with my girls. We’ve started going again to this awesome parents/kids thing held at the United Church. Every week, we go and sing songs for 1/2 an hour with the other moms and kids (all 5 and under.) And then I joyously (oops – did I say joyously?) leave the kids with a retired teacher to do arts and crafts and stories for anhour, while I go and have a chat/program with other moms. The toddlers and babie’s go off with a bunch of volunteer grammas too – it’s awesome. Our mom sessions are on everything from teaching your kids about sex, to healthy eating, to ethical present purchasing. For an hour. Yeah.

So last week, my friend J and her kids Tigger and Leopard, as well as our friend K and her daughter V (soon to be nicknamed) decided after our arts and crafts sesssion to go for lunch. J picked an Indian restaurant, and negociated a kids price for the buffet. Little did the owners know how much food my kids can eat!

So we were in the middle of lovely meal, when a man walked up to us and said “are you running a daycare or something?”

Now, how many daycares take the kids for Indian buffet? I ask you.

But I said, “nope, the kids are all ours. those are her two, these are my two and that’s her daughter.”

The man, to our pleasant surprise, said “oh that’s great! They are all so beautiful.” So we asked him to take a picture! Which you see above.

He wandered off, and then we heard over the divider, as he spoke to his wife/girlfriend: “You know, they have 5 kids under 5 years old over there. and they are all BEHAVING! sitting nicely and eating. Pretty amazing.”

Well, I thought it was pretty amazing too.

In fact, I was in a mutual appreciative mood when we left, showering praise on K and J and I’s parenting skills. After all – he was right! 5 kids under 5 years old in a restaurant for lunch, and not one meltdown or scream. It MUST be our excellent parenting skills! (Don’t say luck – we all know it played a role here, but I am ignoring that.) We have SKILLS, ladies!

I found a website that lists a bunch of the current studies relating to adoption. You might want to check it out: http://www.aha.mn/resources/notable-research/

There are papers on adjustment, health, identity, transracial adoption and openness… and they are all academic articels with a fair degree of research to back them up. A little <light> reading!

A reader asked the following questions, and I thought they deserved a good answer.

Why does everyone who adopts get so offended when people ask questions? They are trying to get to know you better, be more informed, and fulfill their curiosity…. when you adopt a baby, you should be willing to answer questions about your child… normally parents take pride in answering questions about their biological children… and adoptive parents seem to take pride in answering questions and divulging information ONLY to other adoptive parents. Learn to be open, people.

Dear reader – thanks for your comment / questions.

It’s hard sometimes not to become bitter and grumpy – I can’t speak for all adoptive parents, but I can speak for myself.  I TRY not to be, though!

For myself, I actually answer questions exactly the same way if people are adoptive parents or not – but what does matter is how well they know me or my family. We understandably share much more with our close family than strangers or acquaintances.

When we used to go to the mall, we would be there for one hour and get over 20 people stopping us to ask questions or making comments on the girls. Most of the people are well intentioned!!! And I truly mean that. But, if you can imagine, if you are hauling two toddlers around and get stopped for the same reason twenty times in an hour, it does get annoying. Even if every one of those people, is, well, a different person! And they can’t help that 19 people preceded them. But as a coping strategy, I admit to making WAY less eye contact and avoiding a few encounters. I remember my mom visiting me once when the kids were younger. She was walking around with me, and said after “NOW I see what you are talking about!” Now the girls are bigger, we’re not such an attraction. Just 3 or 4 times in an hour at the mall. I find it much easier to handle.

BTW, in our neighborhood, we are known – so the questions are few and far in between, and we are just part of the neighborhood tapestry. Which is so nice.

The other thing that is hard is boundaries. Just because we have an obviously adopted family, many people go WAY beyond the normal socially accepted behavior. Can you imagine a complete stranger coming up to you at the playground or store, saying “hello, where are you from? and are your parents dead?” Or some person you have never met before in the grocery store line asking you point blank: ”hi! Do you have AIDS?” – seriously. The funny thing is that most people aren’t like that – but you get enough shocking questions like that along the way to always wonder where the conversation is going…

Some adoptive parents handle these questions with grace and poise – others are always prickly. I TRY not to be prickly. Most of the time now, I handle the questions with ease and a smile – because I AM proud of my kids and want them to be proud of themselves, too. But they don’t waive their personal privacy just because they are adopted. And I need to model that for them too. So I try to set kind boundaries.

~But when I had two screaming toddlers and 20+ mall questions – I was probably a grump! lol~

I seriously have similar questions fired at me by strangers all day long, if I venture outside our neighborhood. Oh, and adoption questions thrown in for good measure.

I laughed and laughed and laughed. And laughed.

You have to find your own balance with discipline… your own techniques that fit you and your kid.

When the kids were younger we used a lot a LOT of redirection and “try agains” with instruction and coaching. We also gave them lots of choices so that they had control when they were in a really unstable place in their lives. We still use quite a bit of redirection and problem solving and role-playing… these things are a lot more labour intensive than other methods (ok, there is a lot of effort in yelling!) but we find they really pay off. But the girls consistently respond well to attachment-promoting discipline, and continue to grow as well-behaved (most of the time!) loving, conscientious little people.

And if we have a moment to think it over first, Jrock and I revert to values-based parenting – “what is it that we really want our kids to learn here?” The answer to that question often changes our approach.

Here are some wise words and reminders from adoption counsellor Karen Purvis… some great reminders and ideas for all parents!

Some other resources we’ve found really helpful are:

• Barbara Coloroso: Kids are worth it!: giving your child the gift of inner discipline
• Karyn Purvis: The Connected Child

Your favorites?

Finding that balance in parenting/work is so hard. I know probably most of you out there have had some of the same challenges and blanacing acts to perform.

Since I went back to work full-time in the fall, it’s been a bit of a struggle. We have the best daycare / preschool ever! so that has been great. The girls like their teachers, they have learned to play at this development stage with their peers, and they have produced a ton of artwork. But they also have this insatiable appetite for more academic-type learning (Sugar has started doing basic division in her head, and Spice’s favorite game is guessing the letter a word starts with,) and that simply is not the mandate of the daycare. And when they have a day off, I try to let them just free-play and relax. So I feel they are being under-served in that area.

I’ve been very tired, too. ( Playing my tiny violin… yes, I have felt a little overwhelmed and sorry for myself.) Working full-time, plus volunteering the equivalent of 1/2 time for Vulnerable Children has been a lot to handle. I don’t like just seeing my girls for 2 hours a day. I’ve found the best part of my day is that slow walk to take them to school, and the even slower walk home. I’m craving slowness.

So I sat down with my husband and crunched numbers, and polled my on-line friends for their thoughts on working 1/2 time. The money is hard to finangle… But after long deliberation, I’ve decided to start working 1/2 time after Christmas, cancel daycare and the housekeeper, and really really watch our budget. Between Jrock and I’s schedules, we’ll reassume primary care of the kids, with some babysitting swaps once a month with the neighbors.

It’s not easy to make these decisions. I mean, I have to find another income source for the summer time when my current job runs out. I may go back to selling stuff at the Farmer’s Market for a while, if I can’t find a suitable contract. BUT… it is such a relief.

I told my boss yesterday I wanted to move to 1/2 time (which she said I could.) I already feel better about the situation. I’ll do a better job at work, and have more time to enjoy my kids. I am still working on how to get more time with my husband! but, heck – one step at a time!

This is such a great video – I think you’ll love it too.

It’s a hair-love song from a father to his Ethiopian-born daughter. Thanks to my friend who has a daughter from China who passed this on to me – please watch it and let’s spread the positive hair vibe to all our daughters!

About the video (from NPR):

“I Love My Hair” debuted on the Oct. 4 episode of Sesame Street. It was posted on the show’s YouTube page — and then women began posting the video on their Facebook pages.

African-American bloggers wrote that it brought them to tears because of the message it sends to young black girls.

Joey Mazzarino, the head writer of Sesame Street, is also a Muppeteer who wrote the song for his daughter. Mazzarino is Italian. He and his wife adopted their 5-year-old daughter, Segi, from Ethiopia when she was a year old.

Mazzarino says he wrote the song after noticing his daughter playing with dolls.

“She wanted to have long blond hair and straight hair, and she wanted to be able to bounce it around,” he tells NPR’s Melissa Block.

Mazzarino says he began to get worried, but he thought it was only a problem that white parents of African-American children have. Then he realized the problem was much larger.

In writing the song, he wanted to say in song what he says to his daughter: “Your hair is great. You can put it in ponytails. You can put it in cornrows. I wish I had hair like you.”

That simple message has caused an outpouring of responses from women. Mazzarino got a call from an African woman who told him the song brought her to tears. “I was amazed, ’cause I sort of wrote this little thing for my daughter, and here this adult woman, it touched her,” he says.

Mazzarino says he’s happy to report that Segi loves the song — and her hair.

I am totally not getting any kick-back from this! But I know sometimes, especially in small towns (or even Kelowna!) it can be hard to find good quality brown-skinned dolls. So let me share this special with you.

Mastermind Toys, (Canadian Company) where I bought my girls’ baby dolls, is having a 20% off sale until October 18. Worth stocking up for Christmas, etc, I say! And these are lovely, high quality dolls.

Here are a sampling… Sugar has the first one. (Spice has the “Calin Yang” Asian doll – she calls him “Robin Sun.”) I’ve hyperlinked them so they click through.

Before we became parents, Jrock and I talked about what values and experiences we wanted our children to be exposed to. One of the things that is very important to me is that the girls have chances, every day, to interact with the natural world around them, and value nature. In other words, I want my girls to cultivate their naturalist intelligence.

Of course, we live in the city, and you can’t take your kids alpine hiking every weekend! So we find urban ways to incorporate animals, plants, wind and worms into our daily life.

One important experience is our garden, and the girls have actively been a part of planting, tending, harvesting and preparing our home grown food.

Another way we get our nature fix is by walking to school every day, along the creek near our house. There are ducks, that the girls have seen grow since ducklings, and turtles… and of course, our friends Minny and Mickey the muskrats.

And then we do quite a few nature crafts to cultivate an appreciation for the beauty of nature… such as the leaf mobiles curently hanging above their beds. The girls have creative journals that they often paste things into, or draw in, or collage.

The last way that we approach appreciating nature is by cultivating empathy and compassion, which are some values that Jrock and I have purposefully focused on. From the beginning, we’ve taught the girls to relate to and empathize with the animals in our house, as well as the humans. They take care of the dogs and have learned to read their expressions and body posture as well. And there is no play activity they like better, than to play “animals…” including giving their stuffies (and the real dogs) their shots! as seen in the picture above.

If you are interested in cultivating the natural intelligence in your kids, I highly recommend “Last Child in the Woods” as an amazing books, and a lovely website with a bunch of family nature activities is Outdoor Nature Child.

Naturalist Intelligence is one of the eight multiple intelligences that we all have, more or less of. For example, I like to joke that I’m a kinesthetic idiot, but I’m pretty darn linguistically and spacially adept. You can learn more about Howard Gardner’s multiple intelligences here, and even do a little questionnaire to see which multiple intelligences might be your strengths.

In the Okanagan we have a huge fall fair – it’s called the Interior Provincial Exhibition. Apparently 150,000 attend the fair each year. That’s a lot! And it has been going strong for 111 years, which is another impresive number.

A few years ago, Jrock and I went for the first time, and swore we would bring our kids “when we got them”  (This was during the interminable wait.) Well, we got to take them on Sunday. Junk food, icecream, pony rides, carosel rides, jungle gym, petting zoo, animal exhibit barns, dog agility trials – whew! The IPE’s a kids dream come true.  We had a lovely time. We had to rush back because Jrock was working a night shift, but next year, a full day.

On a side note, both Jrock and I grew up spending substantial time outdoors.  He grew up on a farm (lots of cattle, but a few chickens and the like.) I spent a lot of time in the woods and mountains. Our kids are urbanites, though; we’re so aware that they are city girls. But we want them to feel comfortable with animals, and with quiet, and with nature. So we make sure we give them lots of opportunities to see farms and get out in the bush. And taking our time walking beside the creek in the mornings on the way to school, observing the ducks and muskrats – that’s important stuff. It may not be “every day” stuff, but we hope it’ll be “special stuff” and they’ll grow up to value some of those things like sustainable agriculture, and connections with nature. For an interesting read on the topic, check out “Last Child in the Woods-Revised: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder,” by Richard Louv.

For most families, school starts right after Labour Day. But for us, “school” (preschool) started September 1st.

We have a really great arrangement.. the girls go to a wonderful daycare / preschool facility that’s on my way to work. It’s in walking distance, it’s new and shiny, has great staff, and the makeup of the kids is really multicultural (Ethiopian x3, Zimbabwean, South African, Jamaican, Chinese, First Nations, Mexican, etc.) They aren’t even the only ESL kids. So it’s pretty great.

Still, it is an adjustment. I’ve been home more than I’ve been away the past year and a bit… I had a couple of consulting jobs, but nothing that took me away 9-5, M-F. So we’re doing the working mom thing for the first time. Jrock always works weekends but has Wednesdays and Thursdays off, so we’re paying for full-time daycare but they are actually only going M,T,T,F… so we can spend Wednesday as a family (until I work Wednesday night, anyway.) I’ll have the girls on weekends as well. It’ll be a bit crazy, but we’ll make it work.

The structure of going somewhere each day and having a more fixed schedule is welcome, though. The girls are exhausted by “school” but are happy to see their friends and teachers, and delighted to be starting dance lessons again. I have always worked a random schedule, but I’m doing my darndest not to take any work home with me. We’ll see how that goes! The pace is a little intense, though… I’m not used to working like that.

But I’m enjoying the walk each morning and at the end of the day with the girls. It’s our time.

A friend who is starting down the adoption path sent this to me – it’s a great perspective of a grown man and his mom on transracial adoption. Worth a look, and perhaps worth watching more from Adoption Learning Partners. I found it refreshing and fun.

I’m going to be away for the girls’ dance show next week (which is a bummer, cause I really want to see it,) but Jrock is taking over. He can’t go backstage like I would have been able to, but he’s ready! In fact, the girls need stage make-up, and after a few “No way! There’s no way I am doing their make-up!” protests, he’s practiced and got it down pat. Nice to know the finer points of parenting, like stage make-up, are in good hands while I’m gone! Now as long as he doesn’t take them to eat at Mcdonald’s every day….

Yes, people – those are fish eyes!

Back in February, the girls found a small radio in a geocache.  For a month or so, whenever they would travel, they would split the earbuds and listen to the radio. But the old little thing broke. So I suggested to the girls that they try to earn some money and buy a new one.

They have three money jars, and whenever they get some money, they split it between the three jars: the fun jar, the learning jar (for trips and higher ed) and the helping jar (to give to charity.) They already had $5 in their fun jars each… so they decided to collect bottles to add to it.

Well, after diligently collecting bottles for two months, I decided I would help them see the return on their invested time and energy. We took in the bottles, emptied their fun jars, and Mommy took them to buy a new MP3 player. I topped up the amount, of course, but the lesson was absolutely there. They got a splitter, two sets of kid headphones that actually ft and stay on, AND a panda-shaped speaker for their room. I have to admit, the speaker was really for me. They’ve been having a blast – they only listen to the headphones on trips, (like the 1 hour to Vernon!) but the panda speaker in the ir room has been used a lot. They were dancing to Puntomayo Islands and Tchaikovsky today. So cute!

So if you are one of the parenting school that doesn’t think we should teach our kids about procreation until they are older, teenagers, or possibly married, don’t watch the video below. Or if you don’t want to hear scientific names for male/female body parts, don’t watch the video either. It might offend you – and I don’t like to offend anyone.

But if you are of the parenting school that believes in teaching the birds and the bees earlier in life, or simply enjoy a good laugh at the innocent joy of children, click to play! (Remember, this has nothing to do with s*x for them, it’s all just about babies.)

It was a rather spontaneous conversation that had just began over dinner when I hauled out the camera. As you can see – the girls are familiar with the basics. I don’t think everyone has had the occasion to chat about these things with their three year olds, but I can tell you that my girls basically brought procreation and babies up. As soon as they could talk about it. And thanks to a little coaching from Meg Hickling (via video), I felt comfortable about answering their questions.

We have a lot of people dear to us that are pregnant right now, including Auntie V, who has “two babies in Auntie V..’s uterus!” as my daughters are proud to tell people. “Twins!” They wanted to know how babies got everybody’s uteruses. And why the babies stay in there for a long time. And when they know to come out. Surprisingly, they already had some idea (at two and a half) of HOW they came out – things you learn! The funniest event was when, days after the girls met Jrock, they mimicked birth for him with one of their dolls. OK…. that was a bit of a shocker for a new father!

But they also wanted to know if they came from my uterus, (answer – “no, from [birthmother]‘s uterus,”) and that they were together.  They’ve told me that they had a lovely time playing in their birthmom’s uterus, which is kind of funny.

Lots of adoption questions/answers make a lot more sense when they know the birds and the bees basics.

I mean, if I said “well, you came from Ethiopia, not from my uterus,” then probably, in their literalest of literal brains, they would think there was some big Ethiopian cabbage patch or something.

Because of how we were brought up and what we do for a living, Jrock and I use pretty specific language… Until we used the word uterus, the girls thought the baby was swimming around in there with the spinach omelette from supper in the mom’s stomache. Now they get there are two locales.

And when my daughters ask why they are brown and I am pink, I have good answers for them (…plus, they know about melanin.) When they ask why one of them has a big outie belly button, I have a good answer. And because we have so many babies swirling around in our lives, it gives us lots of positive opportunities to bring up their birthmom in casual conversation.

Every family is different: religion is a taboo topic in my family, so we also have our “not at the dinner table!” conversations. But talking about the birds and the bees (with carrots!) works for us. Besides, as Meg says, “it’s never easier to talk to your kids about s*x as when they are preschoolers.” So true.

(PS: The * in “s*x” is so we don’t apear in the wrong type of internet searches!)