I shared that two days of my trip to Ethiopia was traveling out to Nakemte where my daughters’ family lives.

I won’t share any details of my trip, since we keep that information to ourselves, but I can share my feelings and ideas as an adoptive parent. Hopefully these shared experiences will help other adoptive and pre-adoptive families.

When we first signed up for adoption from Ethiopia , one of the attractions to the program was that we would be adopting orphans from across the world and wouldnt have to deal with birth family at all.  I’m crudely paraphrasing, of course.

Ha! The naivety.

Firstly, having birth family contact and information is the best thing for our children. We were pretty “uninformed” to think otherwise. Of course, now we know that many of Ethiopia’s adoptive children have alive and kickin’ birth family… Just like in Canada, families are unable to care for children for many reasons, Poverty being the most common, then the death of parents, and other practical reasons such as young mothers, lack of extended family support, mental illnesses, physical illness.. Just to name a few. Wanting to adopt “an orphan” is, in my opinion, a short-sighted misplaced moral conviction. There are many many more children that need families that have “messier” backgrounds but the exact same needs.

Anyway… We have alive and kicking Ethiopia family. A whole messy bunch of it. In a few days, I’ve been privy to family feuds, arguments, love and attachment, and all the regular family stuff. Maybe worrying about us being accepted into their family wasn’t such an important issue… Because its not like they all accept each other anyway! Lol

It’s hard to know all your kids’ background and to deal with it in person… But from my second hand experience of other peoples’ families, it is much harder not to know.

We brought gifts that were well received… And some gifts that were rejected. We were asked for money- this always happens. Wouldn’t you do the same in the same situation? And luckily when we explained we can’t financially support anyone, they understood why.  This I find actually difficult in some ways, because if we were blood-only family, we would be shipping money back every month to bring the family out of poverty. But since we ARE family by adoption, we can’t financially support them (lest we increase the child trafficking trade.) Honestly, too, financial support is a slippery slippery slope that just avalanches. I recommend to other families you don’t even go there…

It is hard to see your child’s family suffering though.  Really, really hard. I haven’t had a cry about it yet, but I have a feeling that will come when I share with my husband. The poorest people I have ever seen in Ethiopia, bar none, were some of our family members. People can’t believe how tall and healthy our kids are, because children so much older than them are smaller, shorter, cognitively behind, skinnier… I know it affected my mom greatly too.  It just makes you want to hold onto your kids all the tighter, and be SO GRATEFUL that they are in Canada and able to reach their full potential.

Practically speaking, We have always had direct communication with our Ethiopian family… And now we have a mailbox to send things back and forth. I don’t know how much we actually will GET,  but it’s there. I’m not offering to do this for anyone else… You need to find your own solutions and their are companies out there willing to do it for you. Some agencies, depending on their philosophy, will do this for you as well.

If you are wondering why we have a direct connection, there are three reasons. First, our family (in canada and ethiopia) was willing. That’s a big one. Second, I write EVERYTHING down, from cell numbers to locations. Thirdly, when we picked up the girls, our adoption agency was going through bankruptcy and all bets were off as far as relying on them for follow up.

There were some amazing surprises this trip… Connections that we never knew we had, photos of other kids who look like my girls, background history and ongoing family information that is so valuable. And over time, we will learn more as it comes up…

I guess my real point here is that knowing your child’s family means you don’t just know their historical background… You know their family today, yesterday AND tomorrow. Their birth family is an evolving part of who they are, and who we are as a complete big huge multi-cultural complicated family.

I hope as they get older, my girls will realize how much effort we have put into maintaining that connection for them… So they know how much we value their heritage and family, and how much we love them. My mom says this will happen when they are in their 20s! Lol.  But it think it might happen the first time we take them out to Nakemte.  Which, hopefully, will be in a few years. That’s what I told their family, anyway.

Thanks, A, for the link… I pre-bought a copy of this book, because it will address the questions of where babies come from and “where do I come from?” in a way that’s appropriate for biological, adoptive, same-gendered, co-parenting etc. families. Looks like others have the same idea! Maybe you want to order a copy too!

To buy your copy, or support the project!

I started watching this show, Parenthood, last year. It’s all about a large family dynamic and I’ve really been enjoying it.

Little did I know that one of the main themes would be adoption. One grown-up daughter, her husband and daughter wanted to adopt a baby. She runs into a pregnant girl working the coffee cart at work, and basically eventually asks her if she could adopt her baby. (As improbable as this sounds, it’s not a crazy plot. When people found out we were adopting from Ethiopia, domestic private adoptions sort of appeared out of nowhere.)

But the reason this show is SO well done, is that it shows the difficulties the girl is going through – her mixed emotions, strength, and moments of weakness. It shows the issues between the adoptive couple and the crazy emotions the adoptive mom is going through. But the most intricate and realistic part is the complexity of the adoptive mom and birth mother’s relationship. I won’t spoil it for you, but I’ll encourage you to watch it. Rarely do I see a primetime show treat all the people in the adoption triad with as much dignity and complexity as this show does. You can watch it here.

Anybody else watch Parenthood? Do you have the same reactions to the show as I do? Or different insights?

In case you were wondering what the girls want to be when they grow up…

Spice wants to be an entomologist. Sometimes she wavers and wants to "work with frogs and lizards too", but most of the time she's into bugs.

Up close:

And Sugar?

Well, she wants to be a chef. These are some of her first creations – corn tortillas that she made from Gramma this summer. She always talks about owning her own restaurant, and what she's going to make us when we visit!

Children are pretty amazing, aren’t they? Some people think twins are alike, but even if our girls are identical, they are such their own souls. It’s amazing seeing them flourish and grow… and I wonder what they will be one day.

We gave Spice a bug house for her birthday, to go with her net and magnifying glass. Spice got her first cookbook. Their teacher came over for tea this past week, and they both got to show her their treasures. I think their teacher was pretty amazed how long Sugar could talk about food!!!

Tomorrow I head back to Canada – but not without having made a shopping trip today. One of the interesting things about Pittsburgh (sorry, I just didn’t think this when imaging Pennsylvania) is the number of black people who live here. At least in the downtown where I am staying, it’s been an eye candy festival of hair. (Yes, I know, Kelowna is way too white and I am way to excited about this.)

The coolest thing is that there are four different storefront schools on my walk to the conference each day, so I’ve seen countless preschool and elementary age kids – and their hairstyles. I’ve got  few new ideas… and its also nice to affirm that even if I am not a curly-whirley haired mama, I keep up with the Jones. In a totally vulnerable self-image way, it makes me feel like a good Ethio-Canadian mama when I know I’m taking good care of the girls’ hair.

I got to visit a few haircare stores within a few blocks of my hotel – but honestly most of those stores are focused on straightening and treating and chemicalizing. So I didn’t buy anything.

BUT I also went to Target – and got some cute Barbies for the girls. I probably won’t give them to them until Christmas or even next year (I don’t know – 5 is still to young for Barbies, isn’t it?) but it’s just nice to have them in the closet when they get to be a bit older. Especially since there is no way to find Barbies of colour in my home city. Now, they don’t have super curly hair, but they aren’t blond and do have darker skin – so it’s a start, anyway.

Meanwhile back at home – Jrock told me it took 3 hours to take out the girls braids and wash their hair last night. tee hee.  I thank him! first and foremost, since this is not his forte. Then I have to laugh… it takes me like 1/2 hour.

THANK YOU also to J&G for taking the girls for two nights, and for my dear friend T, who is driving to my house early tomorrow to put the girls’ hair into nice puffs for their school pictures. We couldn’t figure out how we were going to handle those school pictures (even if I did the braids before I left they would have been fuzzy 5 days later) and she totally is saving the day!

Our kids – all ready for cake.

Happy New Year!

OK, o it speaks to my current state of business that I’m writing this two weels late. But accept my belated felicitations!

On our way to the New Year's celebration.

We had a really great new year – we got together with a bunch of other Ethiopian families.Sadly, the party was also to say goodbye to one really awesome family who are moving to Toronto soon. But each time we get together, there is always a new face or new family joining us. Our small community continues to grow.

I know I’ve said it before, but it is such a blessing to be included in our Ethiopian community. They call me an honorary Habesha – I know they are just being nice, but it feels good anyway.

The girls got to wear their fancy dresses and eat food and, best of all! learn some Ethiopian dancing from a few friends in the living room. (Video below – so cute!!!) Bless his heart, the young man who patiently showed Spice how to swing her skirt. I hung out with the ladies, and sometimes a bit with the men. There are a few of the men who are in the same profession as I am, so we talk shop a bit. It’s a pretty gender-divided gathering, though, usually. Not by any design, but rather that the women hardly leave the kitchen.

Some funny moments from New Year – the first was when we were walking/biking over there to our friend H & M’s house. Here the girls were in their uber-traditional dresses, flying down the street on their pink “pixie-dust” BMX bikes. Talk about a bit of a culture mash.

The manditory coffee ceremony. She borrowed my scarf

The other super funny moment was when the dance lessons were happening. My friend W was asking up a bunch of guys to dance – this one fellow starts boogying in a pretty uncoordinated fashion. They told him he danced like ferengi – I objected! and said most of us dance better than that.

The funny thing is that they were speaking Amharic, but I get enough to follow some conversations. It’s really thoughtful though – if someone says a prayer or gives a toast, they often switch back and forth to English and I know it’s for our benefit. They don’t have to – Jrock and I are happy just to blend and nod – but it’s appreciated non-the-less.

Anyway – happy new year! Hope you enjoy the pictures and the video below (which has dancing footage!)

Catching up – we're really good friends with H & M especially.

M presiding over the cake – and the rest of the feast!

My friend W – her husband founded Partners in the Horn of Africa.

H organized a big lotto pool from New Years – but despite all the good vibes, we didn't win.

So cute! And not one drop of icecream cake spilled!

Spice beaming from ear to ear, learning to dance!

  The dance footage: Notice the proud chin and big grin!!! lol

Remember that old Will Smith song? Well, that’s how I feel!!!

What a whirlwind of a week it has been. It’s not often that I don’t post for a week. You can tell I’ve been insanely busy. My laundry is sitting undone in our room. The onions are going to rot in the garden if I don’t harvest them right away. Ekkkkkk…..

but the kids are happy and have their hair done in their beds. I did this cool thing with Spice’s hair, where I wrapped up a bunch of yarn in the bantu knots – it turned out really cool. But you’re going to have to imagine it since I didn’t get a picture, nor seem to have the time to post it. Sorry. It looks good though.

The girls are both adjusting well to school. They like thier teacher, and I do too. We already had a chat about adoption stuff in the classroom, privacy, and how we don’t share about the girls’ birth family.

Funny, I was planning on making an appointment, but when I dropped off a basket of apples (I am at least getting the fruit picked) she said they already were doing family stuff in class, and what exactly did the girls mean that they have a brother in Africa that they don’t know yet? lol So I told her about our adoption from Lesotho and how that is very exciting for the girls. Then, she said they are doing an assignment next week about “my house”. So instead of a family tree (this is her idea, btw, not mine) they are doing a “house of love” project. The kids draw their house or houses, as the case may be, and all the people in the house who love them. Pretty good idea, I thought! She said she was open to other ideas etc for other projects, so I’ve slipped the package of documents I posted here in August into Spice’s backpack for Monday.

Well, the dog needs a haircut (ok , they both do), I need a haircut, and there are dishes int he sink. But the kids’ lunches are packed and clothes laid out, I got some new sleepcaps ordered, and I am posting some “falshback to summer” posts. Before bed.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to cram full-time working in before 2pm each day. Whew.

Besides the new clothes and reuseable lunchware, one thing I’ve been getting ready for school is a small info package on adoption for the girls’ teacher.

I have compiled a few one-pagers that I thought were helpful and informative. I realize that she will have 20 little students to worry about and don’t expect any special treatment for my girls. That said, being a teacher and an education expert doesn’t mean you are an expert in adoption. So I figured a little food for thought couldn’t hurt.

Here are the handouts I’m passing along.

• Adoption in School Overview and Resources
• Memo To Teachers
• Tricky Assignments (I really like this one)
• Speaking Positively (compiled)

Any suggestions for approaching a talk with a Kindergarten teacher? Basically, I just want to put some parameers around the girl’s privacy, and to help her already welcoming classroom be adoption friendly too. Suggestions? Anyone have good success with your K+ teacher?

Today is the scheduled guest appearance of my post about the 1000+ questions people ask about adoption and our kids. (First seen here on this blog.)

Check it out! Adoption Magazine

There was a popular post on-line where an adoptive mom (UK/Ethiopia) challenged her readers to open up the discussion on attachment.

Here is my answer, for what it is worth. There are 40+ answers to far to read too!

How has attachment with your adopted child been different to what you expected? How has it been exactly the same?

I didn’t realize that attachment was such an ebb and flow of a process. I guess it is like that in other relationships as well, but I really thought there was a means to the an end (or some other mixed metaphor.)

What I know now is that my daughters’ individual attachments to me have grown over time. It takes time. (That I knew.) But as they grow and learn new things, or as new situations present themselves, we have to redefine and reshape that attachment continually.

For example, when one of my daughters turned three, she suddenly could “figure out” memories that had been sitting way deep within her. Those memories challenged our attachment because of her feelings of loss. All the sudden, we were in the middle of raging and not trusting again. We worked through that – but I know we’ll have many of those stages over the years.

 Has it been a really big deal in your house, or not at all?

Um, big. I mean, it shaped the way we parented  and continue to parent the girls, to a large degree. Luckily Jrock and I were pretty much on the same page with that one.

But all those associations of loss and trust and belonging are much more top of mind in our family than in others. I have seen other little girls play who don’t share our girls’ history of loss or adoption, and the themes aren’t there to the same degree. They play “this bear doesn’t have a family. He lost his family. Will you be part of my new family?” and such thing, every day. These aren’t raw wounds – just part of their experiences.

What have you found easier – personally bonding to your kid, or helping your kid to bond to you?

I loved my girls from the start – just like “falling in love”, I guess. The true loving, though, developed over time… including the attachment.

I found it hard to attach more to them when I was sick and barely surviving the first few months home. I still don’t know how I did it. And that inability to be on top of my game also affected the rate that they attached to me.

It was polar opposite different with my two daughters, though. Sugar slowly but surely grew in her attachment. She didn’t start to attach to Jrock at all until she had known him a few months. But with both of us, although with different start times, she hasn’t really waivered, and is very secure.

Spice, on the other hand, has been a rollercoaster. At first it looked like she was attaching, but now we know that being sweet and lovely is her coping mechanism. In a secure relationship, she’s actually not that pleasant all the time. But a few months in, the gaps started to show, and we knew we were in a for a ride. She now trusts us more than she ever has, and feels secure in the family make-up. BUT, she still worries when Daddy goes to pay the bill at a restaurant that he won’t come back for her. Time – I think that’s the only real answer.  

If you have an other half, does your child have a favourite parent? If it’s not you, what do you do about it?

Lots of kids have favourite parents. And they cycle through them over time. At first, Sugar wouldn’t have anything to do with Jrock. The only time she let him hold her the first few months was when there were wild animals running around and she was afraid of being eaten. And he’s tall.

The downside of Sugar’s preference for me was that I almost never got to spend one-on-one time with Spice. I think that was tough in the beginning. I tried to carve out time with her, but it took a while. That probably held our attachment to each other back for awhile. Now, we try to spend time with the girls separately once every two weeks – just for that reason.

How have siblings affected your family attachment dynamics?

See above!