One-up-mama-ship
Apr. 10th | Posted by Nicky
13 comments
I was reading an insightful post on the quagmire of being a mom, and getting it right by Sharla tonight. It really rang true for me – especially since I read the funniest and freakishly true magazine article on the same topic.
“The battle of all mothers” in Today’s Parent:
When my son was four, a woman I’ll call Karen invited us over for lunch. I was excited: Her daughters were well behaved and precocious, and she seemed well connected — the kind of mom who could give me pointers on local kids’ programs. She, however, had another agenda. As soon as we sat down in the kitchen, she plopped three carrot sticks on my son’s plate and asked, “If I give you four more, how many will you have?” He stared at her blankly, until she trilled, “Girls?” All of them, even the three-year-old, sang out, “Seven!” Karen, it turned out, was the queen of the teachable moment, even if she had to invent it. When her youngest asked for a slice of apple, Karen demanded, “What letter does apple start with? Good! And what else starts with the a sound?” And so on.
My son was unfazed but, inside, I shrank. Why didn’t he know this stuff? And then: Why hadn’t I taught him? I thought Karen was a terrible show-off and quite possibly nuts, but still — she rattled me.
Why do competitive moms make us anxious and defensive, even when their game is so obvious? You probably already know the answer: Because one way or another, we all play it too.
I try not to be too judgemental, (which runs contrary to my nature,) but when you throw yourself into parenting and read every book and mull over every decision, its hard not to be married to your own parenting ideas. So when you see people doing other approaches, if it doesn’t run contrary to your values, you’re like “that’s ok. Not how I’d do it, but whatever.” But when you see someone parenting in a manner that is either completely thoughtless, or, just with different values underpinning it, well, out come the judgements.
Mom steriotypes: (funny!)
Granola mom / BlackBerry mom / Flash card mom
/ Fashionista mom / Sports mom from hell
Personally, I blame it on feminism. (Tongue in cheek, for those that don’t know me.) I mean, you give a woman a choice to raise a family or not, then she either
- is a mid-thirties career woman who is used to research from experts, taking her work seriously and producing results; or,
- has chosen being a mama as her primary vocation early-on, and also takes it seriously and puts her whole life into it.
My mom once said to me (and I paraphrase): “you know, we never used to think long and hard about if we’d have kids or not – you just did. And you didn’t plan kids around your investment portfolio or careers – you just did it. Sometimes I think parents today think too much.” She may very well be right. Maybe we plan too much. Maybe we take this whole parenting thing too durn seriously.
Then again, Mom, was this spirit of competitive one-up-mama-ship alive and well when you were parenting? (Gramma? Want to learn how to coment on a blog?!?) Or is the serious and pick-your-cult-of-parenting approach a real generational thing? Any opinions out there?
(Come on, of course you have an opinion - you’re one of the two seriously devoted people I mentioned above!)
I’ll bite.
I am 30-something and very goal oriented…I enjoy a good challenge…and the results of hard work. I stopped working 5 months ago and am now devoted to my 2 girls. I LOVE coming up with fun, educational games for them…and I can relate to the mom that asks what the apple starts with, etc. She is using her talents…but with her kids and not her “paid job.” What the heck is wrong with that?! Why is it okay to go to work and be mindful of everything you do, but not okay to be home with your kids and be mindful about everything you do? Why is that over-thinking things? If a woman was working on a “project” at work with people she loved…and had great new and fun ideas…would they say she is “over-thinking” things? Nope. So, I say let those creative and goal oriented moms enjoy using their gifts with their kids. What a great way to channel that energy. As long as we keep our kids in mind first and not push them past their own limits, then I don’t call that over-thinking parenting. Taking parenting seriously can be a fantastic thing. Researching methods of sleep, potty-training, teaching them to read, attachment, etc. can be a great way to benefit your children. Of course too much can be too much…the pendulum can always go too far either way. But somewhere in the middle…where we try really hard, are mindful of our actions, and we make sure our kids can handle what we give them, but also give ourselves grace to mess up every now and then….well, that sounds fab to me. 
Good blog post Nikki. I can totally identify with being the early thirties career women who values research. Sometimes I sit back and wonder if I have read too much, or not enough.
Thank you for sharing Sharla’s blog post, I hooked immediately by the title “Mom Guilt”. I’m looking forward to reading more from her.
Joyanne… I’m with ya! Some days I think I should be reading and researching way more in preparation of our referral and kid(s) coming home and some days I think I obsess too much and things will play out no matter how much you prepare. Nothing is “just like the book says” and sometimes a day at a time is the best approach.
Nikki, I think you and Sharla raise good points. It’s so human nature to be competitive especially on something so important. I guess the thing we have to remember as parents is that just because we all do the job differntly doesn’t make one person’s way better or right (as long as the kids feel safe and secure)… It’s just that… different. I mean part of what makes us who we are is where we came from and our life experiences. That’s what makes us all unique. We need to celebrate differences not be judgemental of them.
On another note none of us think that our parents did a “perfect” job and our kids won’t either no matter how hard we try. Ha!
Great post… Thanks.
Heidi
As a mother, I believe we should all be mindful of being educated enough to do our best while raising our children and even after they’ve “flown the nest”. Generations ago, young women did the same thing. They consulted the “authorities”, the grandmothers of the village or town they lived in.
I do believe we need to think about our personal beliefs and incorporate them into our parenting, not just blindly follow what we read or have seen in action (including the way we were parented). However, a word of caution. The needs of the child and where that child is at emotionally, mentally and physically should always take first place.
VERY interesting points of view, ladies!
Maybe there is something too, to Mom’s point. Most of us live away from our families now (some lucky young families live close to their relations, I know, but statistically, it’s not the majority.) So we look for advice from the outside (ie books etc) because we don’t have that apprenticeship system of parenting. Many of us are on our own, in a way ladies generations back never were.
Or, maybe our village just looks different now. Like the blogs and internet and playgroups replacing the coffee cats and village yards….
I’m definitely Mom #2. By the time I was 23, I had both my babies… and at age 25, a hysterectomy. Being a mom was all I ever wanted, it was the essence of my being for as long as I can remember. I would have loved to have had more, but nature had a way of changing that, and I’m very content with my two beautiful boys.
I’ve volunteered at their school for as long as they have been going. My oldest is currently in grade 6, and my youngest in grade 3. I have been on most every field trip, I’m on the Parent Advisory Committee, and I drive them to school and pick them up each day. I drive them to soccer practice, we cook together, I help them with their homework every night, we read together, and we snuggle together before they go off to sleep.
When #1 came along, I was pre-med in university, and while I knew I wanted to be a doctor, I was recently married and was actually kind of worn out from 12 years of public school, working my butt off for bursaries, and then 2 years of university. So, we made the leap to have children, since we both knew that was in our futures. I could not be happier with our decision. While I am currently considering university full-time again, I would be quite content with life continuing just as it is. I do graphic design work from home (another passion of mine), and I am there to see them through their days. I am there for their soccer games, to drive them to painting classes, to watch them compete in the Mind Grind next week, to show up at their school at lunch time and take them to the beach for a picnic every Friday. I wouldn’t change that for *anything*.
Parenting actively has given me a whole new perspective on life, one that I am glad I got early on.
By the way, I’m the strictest parent of all my friends… and also the least stressed. LOL.
My 11 year old is testing at a 21 year old level in many of his subjects, despite having clinically diagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder. My youngest is also in the gifted range, and while that’s not a measure of good parenting, it certainly makes for a proud mama.
I don’t read about parenting trends or the latest in psychological research (except where it pertains to, or may benefit my boys)… I parent based upon my personal beliefs, my goals and dreams for their futures and the knowledge that I am doing the very best I can for them.
What an intimidating bunch of comments.
I am more of a wing it and have fun parent. My kids are not the smartest in the group and that would be my fault. I do read up on parenting strategies and think about it, but more go with where my kids are at.
I am neither mom. I love working. I love having my kids. I would love to do a combo. I would love to work part time or work from home as I have done in the past. Doing the full time mom thing right now because it’s best for everyone.
I just read somewhere about a mom who didn’t set future paths for her children about where they would get their post secondary education and what career they would have. She now regrets that. That makes me cringe. I don’t ever want to define my children by what I want them to be. My kids are so different, none of them fit in the same box anyway.
I guess at the end of the day, being happy with who you are is the most important priority for me.
T
PS. I really struggle with competitive moms. I guess because by the worlds’ standard, both I and my kids do not meet the standards.
And yet – you say some of the most insightful things on my blog!
I am a big planner… but I’ve been trying hard over the past couple of years to flow where life takes me… for me, it’s an aquired skill.
I wouldn’t dream of setting out the paths for my children… it’s not my life to live for them. I set up RESP’s for them, but I made sure they could use them anywhere from a 12 week vocational training, trade school, college programs or universities.
And, I certainly don’t want to pressure them into anything. I want them to do what makes them happy.
And I struggle with competitive moms, too. At the first soccer game of the season last Saturday, another mom was yelling at her kid the ENTIRE game! “What the hell are you doing!?!?”, “WAKE UP, Jonathan!”, “GO, GO, GO! Quit being lazy, kick the ball”!! I was in complete and utter shock, and embarrassment for that poor kid on the field.
I just want my kids to enjoy themselves, learn whenever possible and have fun. I admit, I’m a huge studier…. I study things from diagnostic sonography to geology, to carpentry to calculus. If I don’t know it, I read about it until I do. The kids have picked it up from me, and are happy to read and learn whenever they can.
I have been a stay at home mom all but 1 year out of my 12 years as a mother. During that year, my husband was home with them. It’s a struggle sometimes, in the past, but it was worth selling the second vehicle, cutting back on everything… just to have someone at home with them. It doesn’t work for everyone, but it did for us, and I think it was important with helping DS, when we were sorting out problems related to his diagnosis, and to provide stability for him. He needed that… so we did it. It’s not to say it is best for everyone.
And insofar as the ‘world’s standards’.. I think it must all be perception; because I was unaware of these standards, and personally don’t give a mouse’s arse how we rate on the world scale.. LOL.
I don’t fit in either category, Niki. I’m an older single Mom who is going through a career change, shifting into the work I love, and away from corporate health care. I’ve chosen to stay at home until my daughter goes to school, and this has been quite challenging. I’m not used to being at home, and I’ve had to make major changes to my priorities and expectations. I feel I need a balance of work and home life, and my daughter does better with a balance of being with me and with other adults and kids. So I think I’ve found the sweet spot. I am able to work very part-time if I want to right now, until the extra funds dry up.
From the start, I’ve followed my daughter’s lead, not pushing anything with her until she shows interest. This has taken her a long way and I think she’s brilliant (from this proud Mama!) She’s now playing piano every day, with no prompting, just from sheer joy. She asks me to teach her new songs all the time. Happiness and intrinsic well being(versus pleasing others) are my goals for us. My daughter learns most of her skills from watching me at the moment, a complete sponge. So what I do and my well being are key. Like doing the work I love. Of course, the whole world is teaching her at this early age as well.
I think being an older parent allows me to let go of the competitiveness thing. It doesn’t matter to me if other Moms are competitive, whether they work or stay at home – acceptance is where I’m at. IMHO, the western world is in great need of a new paradigm for raising and schooling kids, kids who are creative, expansive with ideas, follow their inner voice, being mindful and aware and compassionate. Book learning is not going to cut it for our kids. Meeting someone else’s standards is old school. I am by no means a perfect parent, and I have my worries and concerns. A work in progress!
For me, I try to strike that delicate balance between being a mindful, purposeful parent (because that’s the type of person I want to be) and just letting life unfold. Somehow in the daily shufflle of naptimes, lunches, toy dogs, etc. it’s hard to keep that balance sometime. We should have a blog post on “things you didn’t expect to be as a mother”. I think my contribution would start with “grumpy.” !!!
“Things I didn’t expect to be as a mother”….
I always thought I’d have 12 kids, and never let them play video games, and that I’d be mellow.
Hmmm, that’s food for thought!
Didn’t have 12 kids (though I’d like to have)…… I *do* let them play some video games (at the urging of their eye doctor, it helps with co-ordination of the eyes) and I admit, I’m not always mellow… lol.
Regardless, it’s a million times more than I ever thought it would be. I love it.. and I am afraid I’ll be one of those empty nesters that finds herself lost without kids to take care of!