the 1000+ questions
Feb. 13th | Posted by Nicky
18 comments
One thing that parents have to be aware of when we adopt transracially is that our family becomes conspicuous. Anonymity does not exist for us anymore, unless we go out without our kids, of course. Then we just – blend.
I think every family in this situation has some variation along the theme, but we do get 5000+ comments every time we leave the house. Ok, so seriously, if we walk tot he pharmacy and the grocery store, for example, I may have 4-10 people randomly talk to us or make a comment about the girls. It’s better when we go to our neighborhood stores, because people recognize us (remember the conspicuous thing) and we’re not pestered as much. Of course, sometimes people think if they have seen you a few times they can ask deep personal questions, but that’s not often.
This is my philosophy about the whole questions thing. this just came up on a discussion board and I Thought I would carry it over to the blog.
WE ANSWER FOR OUR KIDS’ EARS. Even if they aren’t there (because we need to practice anyway.) For every question, there is an answer/message that you want your kids to hear, to reaffirm their identity, security and self-esteem.
So when people say “aren’t they beautiful?” which is like 40000 times a day, we say “yes they are” (cause they are!) or “they’re smart too!” (cause we don’t want it to be all about looks.)
Where are they from? “We live in Kelowna.” or “We’re from Kelowna. The girls are originally from Ethiopia.”
“They’re twins, right?” -> “yes, double the fun!” (although we often feel like saying double the trouble but that isn’t the message we want to give our kids 3000x a day.)
We don’t get much more than that on a daily basis, because of the twins thing, but some other questions like “they’re adopted, right?” you can say stuff like “We became a family seven months ago.”
Or the other one is “my cousin’s neighbor’s sister adopted a kid from – eh, maybe China, I think…” We say “Adoption is a wonderful way to build a family.”
So to the parents / parent-to-be and other family members who feel ill-prepared to deal with the questions, remember, you may see this person again or not, but your kids are always listening. And like it or not, we all ARE adoption role models as conspicuous families, so the sharp retort to a well-meaning busybody isn’t appropriate. (Unless they are rude or racist and then you can tell them so and turn your back.) We want our kids to be proud of us and our families… And although being asked questions at every store and coffee shop can be annoying, modelling grace for our kids is for sure the best bet.
Before we had the girls, we got much more brutal questions, though. I can’t tell you how many people asked bluntly or not so bluntly if we are infertile. (Answer – never tried! so you never do know.) Some people would immediately launched into “some couple somewhere adopted these terrible kids and it all went downhill from there” stories. Loved that. Lots and lots would say “Oh, they (soon to be identified kids) are so lucky!” which is genuine but of course not the whole story. A good few asked us in an accusing way why we weren’t adopting from Canada.
ANYWAY – we practiced answering for our kids. “Lots of people cme to adoption that way, but it’s not our story.” “Children are always a surprise, no matter how they come to you, aren’t they?” “We feel very lucky and blessed too.” and “Children everywhere are of equal value. This was the right program for our family.”
Hope these examples help some of you waiting out there! Anybody else want to share?
I completely agree, as I said on the yahoo boards. Thanks for sharing your experiences so we can all be better prepared!
Great post Nicky! I used to be a lot more offended with all the questions and looks but now I just try to educate . . . especially because, as you said, there are little ears listening and watching our every move. Most people don’t mean any harm. I like some of the responses you posted and will have to remember them. Thanks!
k
Q: Why did you adopt from China?
A: That’s where my daughter was.
Love this post. This is one part of adoption I am feeling especially unprepared for. Thanks for sharing your comments!
Thank you for writing this. We are just starting our adoption journey and of course this topic has come us for as we think about all the ways that welcoming an adopted child into our family will change and enrich our lives.
Since we have children now in our home, we are used to answering to their ears ( love how you put this) and your suggestions have given us some food for thought about how we’ll handle the questions when we are able to bring another child home. This will be helpful to us as parents, but also to our older kids as well, as no doubt they’ll be asked questions to. Thanks so much.
I am really enjoying your blog. I spent last week going way back to the beginning and wept at the news when you first read the email about your twins. It’s so inspiring to read your journey and I’m grateful that you are sharing your story here. It feels like the road has been well paved before us.
Well, I’m glad you got something out of this, Jane and Claire – that’s why we keep this blog public.
Good one, Joy! I’ll have to remember that one too. Maybe for Dairy Queen lineups. I need a special answer for DQ lineups.
I particularly liked your response towards the end – ‘lots of people come to adoption that way, but that’s not our story.’ It’s respectful of other people’s stories and it also gently indicates that this is private for our family…another person would have to be seriously invasive to ask another question after that. It’s a great, thoughtful and respectful answer. Thanks!
Ruth
Joyanne I am so going to use that answer! I dont get a lot of questions from strangers since I am single and people just assume that Twinkle must look like my husband… I do however get a lot of questions from people I do know and most relate to birth mom… I find these questions hard since I dont want to hurt anyones feelings but it is my daughter’s story and really the whole world doesnt need to know the circumstances of her birth… I also had a bit of a freak out at christmas (a small one) because I kept getting introduced as Robyn and the baby that she just adopted from Africa. Uh no, we are Robyn and her daughter Twinkle or just Robyn and Twinkle.. I dont want my daughter growing up with labels. She wil know she is adopted, it is not a secret, but it is also not who she is, it is just a part of her story. I want her to grow up proud that she was born in a far away land and to be proud of her heritage and culture, but I also want her to grow up knowing that I am her forever mom feel secure without any “label” attached to her.
sooo helpful! I absolutely love the “answer for your children’s ears” idea. soooo true…with everything when they are around, but very much so for this…I love how your answers shift it all in a positive way…this is so key and such a very good thing for us all to practice!
we get some very interesting comments already being a young family with 4 kids (jaws drop…they’re all yours?? as though I must be babysitting, lol) should be extra fun with 2 additions of chocloate tones:)
I recall this almost constant attention when I had my nephew D (first nations) in the ergo for 2 weeks. so many of the same comments.
ps…I have my etsy shop up and running now…check it out! http://www.serendipitysgarden.etsy.com
Great post Nicky! We are still at the waiting or “brutal question” stage and despite my immediate reactions to really invasive or ignorant questions, I try to remember that we are ambassadors for adoption and for our future children. I may return to this post in the future for some guidance
Mary
Very nicely put Nicky!
Thanks for posting this. We’re weren’t quite prepared for all of the questions and such that we got while on holiday in Mexico. I think we handled it well, however I often found myself trying to avoid eye contact with people!
Lorie John and Xav
that is funny, isn’t it – I’ve cut way bac on my random interactions with strangers as well… less eye cntact
Sometimes I miss it, but it’s worth avoiding a few questions…
Nicky, you are so articulate in your description of this topic!
I discussed this a year ago, less eloquently, as “focus on the positive”. In the spirit of sharing:
This morning, when I dropped off E at school, one of the mom’s that I frequently say hello to commented that E is so adoreable. It would have been nice if it had just ended there, but no, she wanted to know what was her “mix”. I politely told her that E was adopted from South America. The woman commented again on how cute she is and I said thank you. I suppose I was thanking her for the comment, not the question, or maybe more so to end the conversation so that I could get E in to school and away from the inappropriateness of that question. While walking away, I made a point of telling E how pretty she looked today for that mom to make that comment. Focus on the positive.
This is not the first time someone has commented to me about E’s skin colour being different from my own. Interestingly, I get it most often from other mothers. Mostly, I am dismissive about the difference and don’t delve in to any huge discussion about it. Sometimes I volunteer that E is adopted, sometimes I don’t. It depends on how earnestly the question is posed.
When E was 3, I had her in Tumble Time at the local community centre. One of the 3 year old boys asked me why E’s skin colour was different than mine. I told him that nobody is the same, everybody is different and that skin colour is allowed to be different between mommies and their children just like hair colour and eye colour can be different too. I didn’t mind telling him because he was 3 and needed to know. I guess some grown-ups still need to know too.
I should mention that one of my favourite comments is when someone says that E does not look like me. That’s when I say, “of course she does. She is gorgeous, just like her mom!”
Hey Nicky,
I hope it’s ok, a few people on our SA board (it’s a private board) were asking what to say when the questions started and I quoted your post, hope that’s ok!
No prob, Rhonda…
Excellent post Nicky,
One other response that was suggested to us when people ask intrusive questions is, “Why do you ask?”
It makes the questioner think for a second and they have to come up with an answer. Plus it gives you some time to come up with an answer as well. It can be asked in the “most caring” way without being offensive and I think most people would get the hint or at least you find out their motivation.
This is tricky business and an excellent opportunity to teach our kids so we want to do it right.
Heidi
HI Nicky. Just catching up. My feed stopped working for some reason??!!
This was a great post and reminded me of an incident last weekend where a man we did not know came within inches of K’s face, pointed at her and loudly said to his wife who was behind me, “Hey dear, look at her hair. Isn’t it cute…” Blah Blah Blah. I was absolutely dismayed with the man’s behaviour and as soon as he walked away I asked K if she liked it when the man pointed at her. She of course said No and I told her it was OK to say “No, I don’t like that.” to him or anyone else who does something like that.
He was rude and had it lasted 1 more second I would have stepped in and said something not quite so nice but OK for her ears.
You are very right in your post. We are conspicuous and we are ambassadors.
Barb