Daddy to Ababa, Mommy to Mama
Jan. 7th | Posted by Nicky
23 comments
I’d like to take a bit of your reading time and talk about how our attachment and relationship growth has gone with the girls. I think a bunch of you will be interested, especially our family, and all our readers who have or who are waiting to adopt kids.
We’re almost at the 6th month mark now, if you count our time in Ethiopia together. So that’s not quite five months for Jrock but more than that for me and the rugrats.
Straight to the point of the title – I don’t think that the girls really realized who we were until about a month and a half ago. I mean, I think they thought we were just people called “Mommy” and “Daddy”, despite knowing that we had other names. It was only when they started the conversation one day about ababas and mamas that they started to solidify our roles. (Ababa is Daddy in Amharic and Mama is Mommy in Amharic/Oromo.) It delighted them to call us by these new titles, and now, they probably call us Mama and Ababa at least half the time – especially if they are feeling close or cuddly. Jrock especially really likes his new name.
So how did we get to where we are now? We knew that we wouldn’t necessarily love our kids the moment we met them. I mean, I was enamoured with the idea of them, since I had poured over pictures of them for 10 months before we met. But we didn’t really know them. So three things have evolved over the course of 6 months: loving each other, liking each other, and feeling like we are each others’ Mama, daughter, and Ababa.
The loving stuff is easy to talk about. I think I was already in love with them when I met them, but loving each other as individuals has grown over time. Because I saw them through the very very difficult grieving process in the first few weeks, I think that bonded me to the girls in a significant way. Jrock, he’s never had that intensity of time and needing. So it’s been slower but steady with him. For the girls – well, they said they loved us early on. But I think we had totally unrealistic expectations of this and promoted it. I mean, as new adoptive parents, you fake it on your side until you make it. You say “we love you” way way before you actually do, because you know the kids need that safety net to trust and grow to love you. But kids shouldn’t have to fake it. I think we expected it too soon, and I would advise you not to prompt your kids about “I love you”s until they spontaneously say it for themselves. In a humble way, I can tell you that Gramma got the first genuine “I love you” from Sugar on the phone when she had flown back to Canada, leaving the girls with me in ET. I was jealous, and genuinely pleased. I think we can pinpoint the real milestones of love along the way as the girls grow to love us – like the first time Sugar volunteered to give Daddy a good night kiss, and when Spice played her first practical joke on us.
Now the liking stuff. Well. That’s more difficult. First you have to understand that Spice’s coping strategy in tough spots is to turn on the charm, be compliant and sweet. Very easy to like. Just like her Dad. And then you have to understand that Sugar is like me – tough on the surface, doesn’t like to risk getting hurt, but feels things really deeply. Two peas in a pod, actually. So as we came home to Canada and I got sick and tension mounted, oh! what a clash of forces. That kid is a contender. It’s hard to like a mom/daughter who is sharp and takes everything really personally and seriously. That said, now that I’m feeling better and we have sorted ourselves out to a large degree, I think Sugar and I are really really close. And I understand her very well. And speaking for myself, I really like her (now.) I think the feeling is mutual. Spice I’ve always got along with, so it was just easier to like her right off the bat. Jrock and I both now delight in their eccentricities, behaviours, growth and personalities. We look at old pictures of them a have a new insight into what they were feeling or going through at that time, because we know and understand them so much more.
And to the “feeling like a family” business. For myself, I felt like their mom from day 1. I can say that honestly. Maybe because I saw them through that terrible emotionally-wrought transition time. I can also say that when we arrived in Canada, I felt like my home had been invaded by aliens. Ah, the juxtaposition. And both true. Jrock, it’s been more steady and consistent (just like him!) At first, he said it was like “they’re the kids that live with me.” Then, slowly, they started to feel more like his daughters.
On the other hand, as I started this post with the Mama / Ababa discussion, I think the girls are becoming more aware of what a family is. Remember, they don’t recall every having one before. We still have huge permanency issues. I mean, they haven’t lived with us longer than any one of their stops along the way (1.5 +/- year with birth family, 6 months in orphanage, 10 months in the transition home.) They used to ask me several times a day if Daddy was coming back home again from work. And I mean every day, several times a day. Since about a month ago, that asking stopped – I think they realize Ababa is always coming home. But if they will stay with us forever? Well, if I go out shopping by myself or even when the two of us leave their room at night, they still ask if we are going “far away.” And we’ve have three notable stumbles, including my family members (Poor D and B, you’re just too darn lovable,) and a complete stranger.
The first one was when my brother visited us shortly after we got home to Canada. Five minutes after arriving (now take into account my brother is a kid magnet, warm and cuddly!) Sugar called him “Ababa” – which we had never heard her say before. So obviously Jrock’s role hadn’t quite occurred to her yet, and she was still majorly Daddy-shopping. She did repeat performances of this routine with other men to a lesser extent, ie: sidling up to interesting men of fatherly-age and doing the eye-lash fluttering… that was just the first time. I don’t think it was any coincidence that right around when she started asking from kisses from Jrock, the daddy-shopping stopped.
It was Sugar again who initiated the “no new mamas” discussion. In Calgary at a friend’s party, she looked up at an Indian lady she hadn’t even been introduced to and asked me “is this my mama?” Yikes. It caught me so flat-footed. So we started talking about how I was her mama now, and how there would be no more new mamas, etc.
Today – nothing’. At Xmas she spent 5 days with Uncle B and the rest of the fam, and clearly demonstrated her attachment to Jrock and I. It was AWESOME to see how well she did, and how she thrived in the extended family scene, without any confusion about who her parents were.
Not the same thing could be said for her sister – which leads me to the third milestone event. Spice has been a mush-pot cuddler from day 1. She attached much faster to Jrock, starting even in Ethiopia, and really never daddy-shopped at all. It was to our dismay and astonishment when at Christmas she started crawling all over her Auntie D (who she had just met in passing once before). Then she started waking up from her naps very upset, but refused to be comforted by Jrock or me (I mean back-arching, running way from us and everything!) which has never ever happened with her before. She started to reject me, like not letting me kiss her booboo but asking Auntie D to do it (and Auntie D, not knowing what was going on, kissed the finger instead of directing her back to me.) When we got home, it escalated. Spice told me in no uncertain terms that she wanted a new mama. And she wanted to go live with Auntie D (although note: she couldn’t remember her name.) She wouldn’t look me in the eye and didn’t laugh or joke like usual. It was a horrible few days. So we talked more and more about “no new mamas” until a few days ago, she conceded that she wanted to stay here after all. Several times a day, she runs up to me and says out of the blue “no new mama?” Seriously. And, at her request, we’ve been reading over and over “A Mother for Choco”, the story where a little mother-less bird gets a bear for a mama.
Now, as much as I was trying not to leap to the conclusion, the attachment specialist we went to see said that in both “mama” incidents, it was no coincidence that the anon Indian lady and my sis-in-law have medium-dark skin. Let me put it bluntly: they’re starting to notice skin colour, in a three-and-a-half year old way, and that my pink is not the same as their brown. And, the specialist thinks that the warm familial atmosphere at Xmas combined with a really nice, welcoming (and she is!) cinnamon-coloured auntie flashed our little Spice back to the first mama. And she was confused as all heck.
So that’s not to say “steer clear of all nice ladies who look like your kids,” AT ALL. I guess it just means that the subconscious is alive and well, the girls’ age is starting to raise some other questions, and attachment, permanency, and the role of the family are NOT linear processes. Although our girls are doing remarkably well in general in the attachment area (according to the specialist) it doesn’t mean that everything is clear and secure in their minds. They have questions as they grow and learn – some which can be voiced as succinctly as “is that my mama?” and some which are demonstrated behaviourally and unconsciously, like our daughter mixing up her auntie and her birth mom, and rejecting us.
We’ve come a LONG way in 6 months. We still have a ways to go, and these things will all fluctuate over time, as the girls develop. But we all love each other now. We like each other – most of the time, anyway! And Mama and Ababa will not “go far away” – something we reassure our daughters about every single day.
This rings so true to me. Ok, maybe not the part with parent-shopping or talking, since Hana is still so young. But the transitions for all of us, from being in love, to loving, to liking… feeling like a mother, with aliens in the house, to feeling like a bonded family and understanding the aliens…
I’m so glad to hear how much progress you’ve all been making. It can be a tough road for sure!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Nicky. As someone who has been waiting a lifetime for my little one, I often have to remind myself that the mother/daughter/family pieces won’t fall into place the moment we get home from Ethiopia… that even if she is very young, she will have suffered losses, and will grieve… that love (and like) take time.
I’m glad to hear that despite the bumps along the way, you’re all moving in the right direction.
Nicole Bellefleur
Charlottetown, PEI
Great post Nicky! In ways, it is so similar to our 6 mos. adjustment. Our kids are a bit older so they clearly remember their birthparents but we have all struggled with the liking and the loving.
Eskedar told us a month ago that when she first met Daddy, she was very scared because ‘he is a big boy’. She can also tell us how she was feeling that week in Ethiopia.
It’s so good to have 6 months under our belt – the kids are more at home and can articulate so much more (like, for you, ‘no more mommies’).
Think of how much progress we will have in the next 6 months!
Michelle
This is really a great summary! Very helpful and insightful. Thanks for being so transparent and willing to share even the tough stuff! You guys are great.
Thank you so much for posting this. As a waiting adoptive parent, I think it’s good to read posts like this, to know that it will not always be sunshine & roses, but that with work & perserverance things will get better.
Hello there,
You don’t know me, but I have enjoyed reading your blog for the last few months. I have had my daughter home from Ecuador for almost 3 years and a lot of what you write has resonated with me and reminded me of what we went through. My little E was 2 months shy of her 3rd birthday when we met and it was the most amazing and trying time of my life.
I wanted to write you to let you know that my daughter also started recognizing roles at 6 months. Before that, mom, dad, etc were just names. She would call most of my friends with children “mom” and similar for “dad”. At one point, one of my friends’ husbands got hit with “dad” and it flustered him. I thought it was hilarious but contained myself to explain both to him and E that “dad” is a name that E heard his kids call him and I gave E the name that she should call him. Family books were really good for emphasizing roles and relationships and we too love A Mother for Choco.
Since your kids seem to share a similar trajectory to my E, you may be interested to know that the full-fledged bonding between E and me took about one year. At that point, I became the only one to comfort E when she needed comforting as she had gotten used to me being there constantly for a whole year. It happened quite surprisingly when she had been ill and my folks came over to see how she was doing. Even though my mom and daughter share a special bond (they have the exact same personality!), E hadn’t been feeling well and so when my mom went to cuddle her, E left my mom’s embrace to come and sit on my lap. I had to comfort both my daughter and my mother.
I told my mom that E wasn’t feeling well and needed her mommy. I LOVE comforting my child. It gives me warm mommy feelings.
Anyway, I also wanted to tell you how great a job you are doing with your kids! Thanks for sharing!!
It’s amazing to see how far they’ve come… and I wonder what it will be like – and what I will be like! – a year or two from now. As Kerry shared, I think one day we will just realize “well, that period in our lives is over.”
It also makes me hesitant about “the next one!” To go through this all again – well, at least we would have been there and done that a bit.
Wonderful post, Nicky. It’s great to hear how well your family is coming together and I am so happy for you all. There are so many stages to attachment. I always wonder how it will feel going from being in love with my daughter’s picture/my perception of who she is – to meeting and getting to know her – to fully falling in love with her and she with me.
Great post Nikki!
I remember thinking “When is this little person going to go home?”, only to realize – never. It is an adjustment, even when you have spent months staring at their picture, dreaming about them, and loving them from afar. I think that was one of the biggest surprises for me, and a shameful one at that. It is nice to know other adoptive parents experience similar feelings.
Sylvie has been with us now for seven months. Earlier on, friends would ask “Can you remember your life without her”. And the answer (silently) was “Yes…I can remember sleeping in and being self indulgent”. During the last month I realized, wow – I can’t really remember my life before. So I think on my side of the attachment, has really grown, as well as I feel comfortable now in my new identity as a mother.
That was such a great post, Nicky. Thank you so much for sharing. You guys are obviously doing an amazing job!
Mary
That’s a beautiful post! You are amazing parents, and so “in-tune” to your girls (and all of you as a family too)! Thank you for sharing so honestly.
What a beautifully written post. So thoughtful and insightful and aware. Good job, Mama!!
Tova
Wow ! Thanks for sharing your experience with your children. I really enjoy reading your blog.
Thank you so much for sharing this post. It is such a learning tool for me and helps the ‘rosey expectations’ to be a little more realistic.
Brenda
Just wanted to add my thank you to those of others…I really appreciated this post. Selfishly, it’s good to have some idea of what to expect. And, as one parent to another, it’s just nice to be able to understand each others joys and burdens, too.
Nicky, I’m not sure if you can answer this or not, but a question that I’ve been wondering about is whether you believe it made a significant difference in the attaching process to have spent so much time with the girls in Ethiopia before bringing them home (I know that circumstances demanded this process, but still…). I guess part of what I’m wondering is if, when we get our referral and get through the fed court process, would it be helpful if I were to go out there earlier and live with them there for a while, while visas are being processed (though Imagine may not allow that – or can they??). I guess it’s a great thing to be able to have your child WITH you rather than in an orphanage/transition home (regardless of how well run it is), but my question is more on whether you think your extended time there made a difference in terms of their attachment – or would you be at precisely the same spot now if you’d spent only a week there before flying home? Does this make sense?
Ruth
Hey Ruth;
hmmmm… well, I do think it was really really beneficial for me to have all that time to concentrateon the girls. I mean, when we got home there were dogs to feed,friends to meet, bills to pay, work to do, etc. And being able to concentrate JUST on them was a huge benefit. Reflecting, it probably really did help our attachment. It also made it a harder adjustment when we got home…
IF we do this again, we will try to spend significant time in country, and some time just with the new addition… for the same reason. That one-on-one getting to know each other.
Will Imagine let you do that before the visa is issued? doubtful! But it doesn’t mean you can’t after the visa is issued. It would be less stressful after, too, since you dontrol the time frame.
My 2 cents.
cheers!
Nicky
Thanks for your thoughts Nicky. I hadn’t thought about it being a harder adjustment when you got home, but that makes sense.
Much appreciated!
Ruth
Thank you
It is great to get your insight on the topic of attachment and to get a glimpse of how things are playing out in your family. This is such a complex topic and potentially difficult situation. Sounds like you guys are doing really really great and navigating these waters with grace and patience. Good for you! All the best as you continue to grow together as a family, everyday a little tighter…
Take care. Liz
What a great post! Thank you! I love when people tell the whole truth and don’t sugar coat it, but still show great empathy towards the children. I can’t wait to see your post on attachment 6 months from now. There will be many leaps forward and also a few steps back, but those steps back only help you to get further ahead.
Take care. you are a wonderful mama.
Natasha
wow, this was incredible to read. thank you so much for writing it-i just lucked out and found you off another mom’s blog, adn i’m so glad i did. we are in teh middle of changing our age on our referral request (we are one of teh Imagine families, dte aug5/08) and one thing that has ‘scared’ me is some of the attachment stuff..this was so so good for me to read, thanks for being so honest. darci
Hi Nicky,
I don’t know if you remember us from Harambee last year but we are the family from Nelson and our twin girls from Ethiopia are now 7 (time flies when you start at 5!). We’re wondering if you would be able to send us the name of the attachment specialist that you saw? We’re hoping to go back to Ethiopia next year for 5 months and would like some feedback/help preparing the girls for seeing their/our family again. Thanks for your help, I know how busy you are!
Tam, Rekor, Addis & Semegn
Such a great post, Nicky – thanks a lot for linking this one up too!