Attachment Parenting Ain’t Easy
Nov. 2nd | Posted by Nicky
24 comments
When Jrock ad set out on our “Adoption Journey” we started going to seminars, doing our homestudy homework, and I read a ton of books on parenting. We had a lot of discussions, mostly in our car on long trips, about our approach as parents and how we were going to handle certain situations. We decided that attachment parenting, or our version thereof, would be the bet fit for us, our kids, and the way our family came together – adoption. In a nutshell, for those who don’t know, attachment parenting is based on the following premises:
- When children as babies and very young, they attach to their caregivers and learn to trust as the caregivers meet their needs in a consistent way – ie: cry/food; cry/cuddles.
- If children have stable, nurturing relationship(s) with their primary caregiver(s), they learn to connect, reciprocate, and essentially, to love. These early interactions in the first few years of life set the stage for self-assured kids, then adults, who are able to interact with others and form positive relationships.
- Kids who are adopted have always, at one level or another, had these relationships disappear. And the more a kid is moved from caregiver to caregiver, the less stable her base and the weaker her ability to attach/trust/love. In many cases, reactive attachment disorder can occur where the child is indiscriminately affectionate, (like crawling all over or kissing complete strangers,) and unable to reciprocate true love or affection.
- Attachment parenting focuses less on behavioral training and much more on cultivating strong bonds between the parents and their children. Through eye contact, nurturing, touch, responding to needs, positive discipline with logical and natural consequences, we try to repair the damage of multiple caregivers and, over time, develop a sense of permanency and belonging in the family. Obviously, physical discipline, and physical or emotional isolation don’t have a place in attachment parenting.
Well, that’s the short version. But anyway, the point of this post is that attachment parenting is HARD. When our kids cry out in their beds or at night, we go to them… there is no “crying it out”, because that really isn’t appropriate for kids that have been abandoned, is it? But that can be a ton of going to them, settling them back i, and then trying to go back to sleep. (No, we don’t co-sleep. Their toenails are too scratchy and they jump around like acrobats.) We often don’t much sleep.
It means a lot of things that are difficult. Like telling your relatives/friends who do and will have great relationships with the kids that they can’t comfort them or cuddle the girls or pick them up. This is HARD to do… but you know that they need to attach to you as parents first. Sugar especially does quite a bit of indiscriminate affection stuff, like batting her eyelashes at men who look dad-age and friendly. She’ll climb in someone’s lap after she has known them for 2 minutes – and she really isn’t that friendly. People don’t know she is “using” them and “daddy shopping.” They don’t get it and and it’s hard to say “please don’t let her climb on you.”
We’ve noticed Sugar is also avoiding our eye contact more over the past few weeks, and even sometimes our touch, like a shoulder caress or a kiss on the cheek. Part of it is that she’s not mushy like Spice, but it’s more than just that. It’s her not trusting us. And there is an obvious connection between Mommy being away at meetings at bedtime and Daddy working long hours, and her capacity to trust us coming back. So we try to play games like “dips” (they love this!) where we they sit on our laps facing us and we dip them way back, and then when they come up to face us they give us a kiss or make eye contact (which we reward with a big smile.) But it’s slow going, for sure.
Other abandonment things that the girls do (and I’m grouping i the big moves form the orphanage and the transition home in with abandonment, since they left everyone and everything behind each time): When Mommy or Daddy or someone else is going to sleep, they ask if they will wake up. Every day, and I mean every time, Jrock goes to work, they ask if he is coming back. Same with me going to a meeting or shopping. They constantly have to be reassured. And other things, like when we said Gramma was sick one night so she couldn’t Skype, they asked right away if Gramma was going to die. Lept right to it. They have very little sense of permanency.
But probably the hardest part of attachment parenting is the CONSTANT neediness. And yes, before you say it, we have been teaching them to play more independently, so now they will do playdough for like 1 1/2 hours at a go. But during that time, they will often need to say hi, or remain within visible range. And even though they now have learned to dress themselves, go to the bathroom be themselves, wipe their own noses, etc… they restarted asking for help all the time. I was having a hard time with this, since I know they can do it, but they’d demand “Mommy do it!” like 3 year old tyrants over the last week or so. It was driving me crazy and I felt hostage. So after a good talk with Jrock and a good cry, we decided we would have zero tolerance for bossiness, (so they have to ask in a nice voice and say please, or I will ignore their request,) but if they ask, I will still wipe, hold the kleenex, put the pants on, etc. It’s the nurturing, right, not the actual activity. Now after four days of me meeting every *polite request, they are starting to be more independent again. But I expect this will not be the only time we float between independence and dependence.
Tests of trust and permanancy will likely continue in some form throughout their lives at various stages. I think this will be the most taxing on us as parents.
So it would be a lot easier to leave them cry at night. Or give them time outs in another room. (They “time in” right beside me.) Or tell them “wipe your own butt.” Or get offended when they spurn a cuddle. Or let them crawl all over family members and friends. But that’s not the way we’ve chosen to raise our kids.
I am not posting this for the big sympathy plea – but just to give the parents who have chose this way (which I truly do think is the best approach for adopted kids, especially older ones) an acknowledgment of hard work and a dose of encouragement. Lots of people don’t understand… but usually, they don’t have kids with abandonment/attachment issues. So stick to your guns, get some sleep, and don’t beat yourself up if you fall a bit off the wagon. Climb back on – because as my Mom’s fav parenting author said: “Kids are worth i!”
Thanks so much for posting this – I also believe in the attachment parenting model (though we have no kids yet
) but I understand it can be really really demanding. For a big reward – but still really exhausting. I have one friend who’s done a lot of work and reading in this area – you might enjoy her blog: http://mudspice.wordpress.com/
And you two are doing a great job. You’re conscious about your approach, which is wonderful, and truly dedicated to it.
Thank you for this post! It is so honest and so helpful!
Mary
LOVE THIS POST! I completely agree and will be in it 100% once we go to get our sweet Orange at the end of this month. I don’t expect it to be easy (I will be so thankful for blog friends that have been through it, b/c most family and friends won’t get it)…but I KNOW it is the right way to raise our children so that they have the best chance possible to grow and have loving and working relationships with people the rest of their lives. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences!
Theresa
It is hard, but so worth it. Mirtalem, just last week (home 5 3/4 months) asked me to pick her up and hug her (she would hug, but I’d initiate it) and then the next night asked to sit on my lap during story time, rather than on the couch!!! So great. I get excited when I think about where we will be in a few more months.
Thank you for posting this!
Hi Nicky, I also thank you for writing this. I plan on attachment parenting when Biset is home. It is so crucial that she be able to have strong, loving, healthy relationships as she grows up.
I appreciate your honesty and advice.
This was a super post. I think of you guys often and wonder how it’s going. I think you are doing GREAT. And I think you’ve pointed out some very key adoption issues here that we need to be aware of no matter how young we bring our child home. I was chatting with a friend a couple of months ago who adopted a little girl from China few years back and she said, “I believe that most if not all adopted children have some form of abandonment issues.” I was a bit taken aback by this, but the more I thought about it, the more I can see, that no matter how young they lose their birthmother, it would still have a huge impact on them, which could easily translate into a inner mistrust of being abandoned. But then this friend went on to say that she would not change their adoption for the world and would definitely adopt again if they could. I really want to be aware of issues without being scared of them, so that I can recognize them when they occur and be ready to deal with them. I think you two are recognizing and dealing with things in a very positive way. Thanks for sharing.
Alysia
DITTO to everything you mentioned. It is HARD, and sometimes it is difficult not to feel overwhelmed. But, as you said, our children are worth it.
You may find the Therapeutic Parent Manual (Association for the Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children at http://www.ATTACh.org ) helpful.
I almost had a heart attack when my son, at the time in our home for only 1 month took the UPS guy by the hand as we walked up the steps to our apartment.
For the first year with us Abenezer asked EVERY WEEK, will you and Papà be my parents forever ?
I think you are doing a great job and I also don’t believe in crying it out. After 3 years of waking up every night, Abenezer is finally sleeping all night long. When he wakes up during the night and comes to us, I usually take him back to bed and stay with him until he falls asleep again, when I’m comatose, he climbs in bed with us.
After 3 years my son still has abandonment issues, I think that black hole will stay forever and there is no love, no nurturing in the world that can fill that void.
Every child is different, every family is different, everyone does what works best for your family.
errr.. that should read “everyone does what’s best for THEIR family”…
I really appreciate your posting about attachment – as someone who still hopes to adopt from Ethiopia and who will probably bring home children who are older than toddlers, I love reading this stuff and getting your ideas on what’s working and what’s not working. I’ll be referencing this information again if/when our children come home. It sounds like you’re doing a great job and I very much respect your deliberate approach to parenting. Thanks for sharing.
BTW, please share how you got your girls to play for 1.5 hours independently – I’m lucky if my (bio) five-year-old plays independently for 20 minutes and I could use some ideas in this regard!
Thanks again.
Ruth…
…waiting for a referral of two.
Yes, it is hard, and 2 years later, it’s still hard and the tests continue. Now it’s easier to notice the attachment issues versus the normal 3 year old development issues, which can be tricky to discern. If I’m in doubt, I usually fall back on building trust, although this is a tough age to parent and takes a lot of energy. Ensuring others are aware of abandonment and attachment behaviors is another story. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for posting this! We’re in the middle of it right now (home almost two months with our six year old twins) and it’s so draining, but rewarding! We’re constantly torn between what expectations are not negotiable and what can be ignored until much later. Keep up the great work!
I forgot to ask… what is your favourite book on attachment parenting?
Thanks [Nicky]!
Ruth…
…waiting for a referral of two.
I don’t comment often, but I do come here often in my “read the blogs to fill my wait” time and I had to stop and say “way to go!” Seriously, too many people are not taking the whole attachment relationship seriously. And as tough as it is now, I seriously believe that it will be worth every moment in the big picture. We are still waiting for our kids to come home, and this is the kind of post I often hope to find to read. Attachment doesn’t happen instantly and I hope you continue to share things you are trying that have (or even haven’t) worked!
Ramona
I too plan to use attachment parenting-this post was well timed! I am already preparing our close family and friends for these types of situations. Attachment, working on that bond, is THE most important thing we can do for our children.
Great post – totally get it and we are immersed in it right now. You are in our thoughts!
Some of my favorite books?
I think for delaing with issues/discipline, the Connected Child by Purvis, Cross and Sunshine is great.
I think for understanding what kids are going through, Toddler Adoption: the Weaver’s Craft is outstanding.
And then there is the bible “Attaching in Adoption” by Gray / Grey, which is on my reread list in the next month. Anyone have other favorites?
And as far as playing for 1.5 – well, playing outside on a good day will do that, and playdough with a cooking set is a sure bet for my tikes
Thanks Nicky. I have two of those books (which I plan to read as soon as I get my referral…if I ever do!), but had never heard of the Connected Child one. Much appreciated.
Ruth
Thanks so much for this post Nicky, it was so honest and truthful. We have been together with our 7 year old girls for a year and a half and we’ve discovered that attachment is not linear. There are ups and downs and the balance can be upset by so many things (oma not feeling well, mommy being exhausted and grumpy). You’re doing a great job and providing an extremely valuable service to other adoptive parents. Blessings to you all.
Hey Nicky. Thanks for posting this. You hit the hail on the head – it is hard!!! As a family is struggling with attachment, partially due to lack of respect for our rules and requests to the family and partially due to our own doing as well as K’s make-up, I completely hear where you are coming from. It is HARD. And frustrating when others can’t respect your boundaries.
I also love the hair pictures you’ve been posting. You are doing awesome! Boy, we might have to make a trip out your way someday, or when you’re here to visit Jrock’s family, have a playdate just so I can get some tips from you!
Barb
That would be great, Barb!