Visiting our friends, and family attachment policies
Apr. 18th | Posted by Nicky
2 comments
When Mom and Dad were in town two weeks ago, we went out on a Sunday afternoon and had some lunch with my friend and her four kids.
It was the first time I had seen them all together as a family – they have been hibernating a bit since they came home with the older girls – and it was neat to see them functioning as a family. It was especially interesting to see the little ones and the big ones interacting! and settling into their new roles.
I do want to mention something that is particular to adoption. My friend issued a “hands off” policy with friends and family for the first few months with the new older girls and, so it is fair, with the younger ones too.
Many families start with policies like this because exclusive hugs and cuddles from parents promote attachment. (Here are some other tips for promoting attachment.) We’ll be doing this too – I think it’s a wise strategy! but boy, is it hard to keep your paws off super cute kids… especially if you have known them for a while and are used to doing so, like I am with the little ones.
(If you are new to the adoption world, you can read more about attachment cycles here. It’s a must-read topic.)
My parents really enjoyed seeing the kids and spending time with my friend; however, they commented on how hard it will be as well for them to not cuddle or hug OUR girls at first. I agree, and after our visit to our friend’s house, I felt for my parents a bit too. They didn’t quite know what to do with themselves… we’re such a physical family. I think it was good for me to have that experience so I know what I’m asking of my huggy/cuddly family members! :-) Of course, the policy will stay. But now I think I know a bit more what I am asking of them.
Completely on a different note, I brought the soup for lunch – L supplied the homemade buns – and I wasn’t sure if the kids would like it or not. But it seemed to be a hit! (Whew!)
As teachers, we have to be very careful of touching/hugging with students- there are a lot of legal issues these days that can turn a comforting hug into something wrong. Male teachers in particular have a tough time. We all develop close relationships with our students, and if you’re teaching elementary age, they want to hug you! Kids crave physical attention, and have a very hard time understanding why adults sometimes can’t really hug them back.
I know several teachers (mostly male) who have come up with a great idea for giving the children the attention they crave with minimal physical contact. Each of them has developed a ‘thing’ that they do with their students to signify a job well done, affection, and some comforting as well. For many teachers, this comes in the safe but fun form of a high five. Others are more creative with signals (one teacher bumped elbows for some random reason), but all involve only ‘safe’ physical contact. (Reality check- safe for the teachers, as its likely that those developing these policies and being this careful wouldn’t touch children inappropriately!)
I’ve been thinking about the physical contact thing a lot lately, with the impending arrival of your girls. I’ve been thinking that this is how I (as one of those touchy/huggy family members) could most easily respect your rules, because they are important, but also let the girls know I care. I just wonder what it will be? High fives? Elbow bumps? Maybe just a ‘pound it’ fist…
What do you think?
Ena (Auntie to be…)
Jrock especially likes the “pound it fist” idea!
lol
True that I guess you would have to think of these things in your profession!