Changing Names
Oct. 31st | Posted by Nicky
19 comments
Last week I got two anonymous comments asking about our decision to change/add to the girls’ names. Here is a bit of one of them:
“I noticed that you mentioned you were changing the names of the girls…I was wondering why you’re doing that? Are you planning to give them ‘white’ names or Ethiopian names?”
Few questions are as controversial among adoptive parents – there are many people out there who think it is incredibly important to keep your children’s names and others who believe in the importance of giving a name to their children, adopted or otherwise.
Of course, not all adoptive situations are alike. Some children’s names were given to them by their birth parents. Obviously those names are special and significant. Some children’s names are simply assigned to them by orphanage caregivers because they don’t have a name or no one knows their name. Some children are just babies and don’t recognize their names – others are toddlers and older children who have a forming identity that includes their own name. Some kids have names that easily transition into their new culture; others have names that mean something entirely different in the new language and are fuel for playground teasing.
So here is our reasoning and personal choice for our girls… I would love to hear from others about their choices…
Our girls have lovely Ethiopian names. One of their names is easy to pronounce in English; the other is very difficult. Their names have significance. And they know each other by those names.
On the other hand, we want to give a gift of names to our girls… my name (shocker: not Nicky!) is the best gift I ever got from my parents. I believe that naming is part of the “claiming” process (as in the psychology of parenting term) – of making them our own. And I want the girls to have connections to their whole family – meaning, their Ethiopian heritage and family, and their Canadian family.
So our girls will officially have long names! One daughter’s first name is a beautiful and very common plant in Ethiopia. (All the women in my family are names after plants.) It is actually quite similar to my sister-in-law’s name, although, I have to say, mostly by coincidence. Her second name is her Ethiopian name, her third name is after my best friend, who is an amazing female role model.
Our other daughter’s complete name includes her Ethiopian name as a second name, a family name that refers to my grandmother and mother and also doubles as a flower name, and the last name of my favorite singer and civil-rights activist (who happens to be African-American – but that’s not why I chose the name.)
So they each have the plant-names that are part of our family’s tradition, each have a strong female role-model, and their Ethiopian names.
What will they go by? Well, that will be up to them. And I suspect that will change over time! as little girls turn into teens, who turn into women. I envision that we will call them by their new first names in general, but also their Ethiopian names as special loving/cuddling names between ourselves. To start, we’ll use them both (verbally like a hyphenated name) and then we’ll see – they are between 2-3 years old, so they will definitely make the decision themselves!
Anyway, I hope that answered your question.
‘White’ names? Not really. (Sorry I won’t share their actual names on-line, but you’ll have to take my word they are pretty non-culture specific…)
Family names? Yes.
Strong role-model names? Yes.
Botanical names? Yes!
And Ethiopian names? Also, yes.
You are so articulate and eloquent. I love hearing what you have to say on so many adoption (and non-adoption!) issues. I’m sure your girls have absolutely beautiful names because it sounds like you have a beautiful story behind each one.
And can I just say again that I’m so glad I found your blog!
Wow ! I really like the way your answer every difficult question.
I know I already shared this with you via e-mail, but will share here, as well.
When we were refered our boys, we did not know how to pronounce their names and also had spent many years discussing possible names for a son. We had narrowed it down to two names and when we were referred two boys, our daughter immediately said “now we can use both names!”. So, after lot of thought about whether or not we should keep their names or change them – we decided to give the boys our chosen first names and keep their first and second names as second and third names. We planned to call them by the names we had chosen (maybe with their Ethiopian name, as well, at first) and that is how we and everyone we knew referred to them before going to Addis.
Once we were in Ethiopia and met the boys, it seemed natural to call them by their Ethiopian names, as it was the only name they knew and how the caregivers and drivers referred to them. Our older son was three and clearly knew his name, his brother was only 10 months, but the three year old knew his brother by his given Ethiopian name. So, we decided we would call them their Ethioipian names while we were there and decided to try calling them by the names we chose once we were home.
Our three year old was so eager to please, and when we tried calling him by his “new” name, he would sort of giggle but didn’t protest – it would have been possible to make the change, but it seemed strange to suddenly be calling him by a new name. We were now used to the Ethiopian name and knew how to correctly ronounce it. His birth name also had a very touching story behind it and we wanted to honour that. With our 10 month old, we did start calling him by our chosen name. Only my husband calls him by his Ethiopian name and his older brother even corrects my husband when he does it. So, we have chosen both options!
Legally, their names are “our chosen name, Ethiopian first name, Ethiopian last name (birth fathers first name), my husbands last name.” I am glad they have the option of either their birth name or our chosen name. I have no idea what they will choose to be called once they are school age! We called our bio daughter by her first and second name, together, until she was almost 7. Then she chose which one she wanted her schoolmates to call her.
Your girls have beautiful names – both the ones you have chosen and the ones already chosen. I am sure it will all natually fall into place, as it should.
And, what, exactly, is a “white” name?!
“white names or Ethiopian names” …SERIOUSLY?!!
Nicky, my hat is off to you for responding to people questioning your choices in that way. But then, you’ve never been one to shy away from any comments.
I like your response. Naming is such a very personal decision, and as you said, there are so many factors that go into it. And “it ain’t no body’s business but your own,” as they say. I will select a name for my child (it will likely be her first name), as a way for me to ‘give’ her something ‘of’ me.
BTW, your real name is a variation of one of the names I am considering
I think that’s sweet, how you have decided on their names. I like plant names too. I used to work in the bush and so I am familiar with many native plants. Many would make great names. Strange coincidence: my all-time favorite plant: a beautiful, yellow heart-leaved daisy-like flower. Huh. Impossible to put in a vase, because it wilt when you pick it, but so nice to enjoy as you walk. If my mam had had her way when I was born, I would have been “Brown-eyed Susan.” I always kind of wished my father had agreed.
We did the very same thing as you. Zia’s name was a name we chose and actually we have chosen to keep her Ethiopian first and last name as middle names and give her our last name. Like you, we really wanted to keep part of her birth family with her, but at the same time, give her something from us. I guess its all a matter of personal preference.
I know what you mean about the “name thing”. When we first started this process, “we are definately changing their/her name(s)”. Well, when we received a referral of a 5 year old, our thinking changed. We have decided to keep her Ethiopian name as her first name, and her middle name is a one that I have loved for years. We will then give her the choice as to which named she’d like to go by.
My best friend immigrated from Brazil at 15, and decided to change her name when she came to Canada. Our daughter may do the same when she is a teenager too, who knows!?!?
I think your girls names are beautiful! We struggled with the decision of if we change our little baby girl’s name but in the end decided not to. We did give her another Ethiopian name for a middle name. It’s a hard decision, but I’m sure your girls will adapt to the new first names easily enough!
Rhonda
Naming (or not naming) is such a personal choice. I don’t think parents should be judged for the decision they make about names. My boys have long names and so will our little girl for the simple reason that we both agree there are certain things that we want to be included in the names we give our children – not unlike yourself. The term “white name” strikes me as funny. I get the point but what exactly is a “white name?”
A “white name” – not my words, but from the person who left the comment, for sure.
When I first received the comment, I thought about deleting it, but then I thought – no, this brings up good issues and discussion about adoption identity, race identity, etc.
One of the girl’s new first names is by coincidence a reasonably common African-American (as in the USA) name – but that’s not why I chose it.
Nicky
Haze : that’s really cool! I love my anem… and there are different but similar names in many cultures – including Europe and Africa.
Melissa – I was actually named after tha heart-leafed variety – go figure. My dad is an amateur botanist, so that’s why we got the nature names…
Interesting subject.
My daughter was also 2 at referral. Her birthdate was the day she entered care so I knew that her birthdate was a guess. She was clearly at least one year older, making her 3.5 when we picked her up in Feb. 08. She has a beautiful name that translates well into English. I was not sure if I was going to change her name until I recieved the referral.
Once I recieved the referral I loved the name and did not change it. I would have changed it if I did not love it, and in hind sight that would have been a mistake. My daughter lost so much really all she had left was her name. I will not judge you at all for changing their names, however I suggest that you keep an open mind while in Ethiopia and see what the girls want both in Ethiopia and when you return. Everything seems very straight forward right now (at least for my family it did) and things got much harder when I met my daughter in Ethiopia.
It is interesting how many people judge our choices, first to adopt, to adopt overseas not in Canada, then to Change the name, then god forbid we have problems/challenges when we return home. There are judgements around every corner. I did not feel nearly as judged when I had my bio son. Don’t let the comments get to you and do what is right for your family and your daughters. Flexibility is the key. especailly in the first few weeks.
Names are a daily conversation topic in our house. My daughter and I don’t share last names, and we love the tradition of botanical names. My mom’s a shoe-in with her suggestion of (African) Violet, but for the other, we’re leaning strongly towards Pansy at the moment… Who know how many times we’ll change our minds again before the day arrives when we actually have to put them firmly into writing! I have no idea how long we’ve been waiting, and no idea how much time there is left in our wait. Life is good! Best to you!!!
Nicky you are a patient woman – I agree it’s a great topic but when someone leads off with “white” name, my inclination is to hit the delete button. I think most of us have chosen a similar path when bringing home infants. I kept Makeda’s birthname as her middle name, gave her an Ethiopian first name of my choosing, and then inserted a “white” name – hee hee – as her second middle name. But if she had been older when I brought her home I would have been inclined to keep her birth name.
I am sure that you have read this before… We felt strongly about keeping our daughters Ethiopian given name however if it had been complicated or troublesome we would have chosen a name for her. As it turns out her name is fairly generic as far as ethnicity goes. I have the same middle name as my mother, and my daughter now has the same middle name as me. We also chose to keep her birth last name as her second middle name, so she has 4 names. I said I would never do it, but I did. Oddly enough on the documents here in BC all 4 names don’t fit so her Ethiopian middle name gets dropped.
Naming is very personal. My answer when people ask “did you chose her name for her?” is YES! It just happens that we ‘chose’ to call her by the name that her birth family chose to call her. And it was a choice, no one forced it upon us.
I am a big nicknamer and rarely use any official name for any people or animals close to me. Our daughter can chose to be called anything she wants to be when she gets older and if she is anything like me by the time she starts school she’ll have been “skye” “clarabelle” “chatsie” “star” and a few other things!
BTW I love the names of your girls.
My choice was similar to yours with both adoptions. With my daughter, her (Chinese) name was hard to pronounce, so i chose a first and second names that I felt fitted her personality (to the extent I knew it from the bit of info, but it turns out they were excellent fits!) and kept her Chinese name as a third name because it had such a beautiful meaning.
With my son, i was open to keeping his Ethiopian name as his first name, but when i got the referral I felt his name would be prone to “unfortunate” shortening and teasing in a school-yard setting. So I gave him a new first anme, and kept his Ethiopian names (both of them) as second and third names.
Both children were 4.5 – 5 years old at adoption, and both adapted very well to their new names. With my daughter, I called her a “hyphenated name” for the first few weeks (my chosen name-her chinese name) and then she started identifying herself with her new name and we haven’t looked back. With my son, the staff at the Transition House actually started using his new name before we went to Ethiopia, so by the time we got there he was already self-identifying with the new name. I think that was great, and you could perhaps ask for the same. (They pronounced it a bit differently, so we had to shift the pronunciation, but that wasn’t a bit deal.)
PP – were you with CAFAC or Imagine? I asked our agency about using new names and they said no… so I guess you are with CAFAC?
Nicky
Wow! People’s comments sometimes can be so insensitive and rude. Naming a child is such a personal decison and also a family matter.
My family has an intersting tradition that I am passing on to my child now. A tradition that first started with my grandparents, when they first arrive as an immigrant family into a new land: First name to be a common name locally, to help the children transition and relate. A second name to be in Japanese, representing our ancenstry. At home, we called each other from our second name, so my second name was strongly used among all family members (parents, brothers, uncles, cousins and grandparents). Everyone else called me from my first name. It was never confusing, it was never odd, it was what made us proud of ourselves and brought us a unique identity.
* A beautiful must see movie recommendation: ‘The Namesake’
That IS a beautiful movie! We really enjoyed it.
When we were naming our girls I also thought about your traditions for your son, Luciana… it affirmed that we were making the right decision.