Changing our request
Aug. 24th | Posted by Nicky
14 comments
We’re well approaching a year – in fact, it’s only a week out. For months, we’ve been debating if we should broaden our age request. So last week we made the jump and expanded our request to the agency for 2 children under 4 years old.
Why did we change? The big reason is because of the time… the “1 under 1 and 1 under 4” was definitely eliminating the few sibling groups that did come in – the younger age bracket being the main reason. Obviously these children were not meant to be our children; but it gives a person pause.
We’ve also spent a lot more time with children of different ages in the last year. L, who has a .5 and a 1.5 year old, our godson who is 2.5, and another friend T who has a 3.5 year old. We’ve been able to see the different ages and are excited about parenting slightly ‘older’ kids.
You also have to think if we are waiting this long that there isn’t a need for parents who want a baby and a toddler. For sure, there is a need in general, but for the groups of kids that come through the Canadian adoption process, parents for ‘older’ kids seem to be more needed right now.
Lots of other factors and questions came into play – some serious, like: will I miss never having a baby, if we are referred two toddlers? These are our two only kids, according to the plan. -Some not as important, like: what if I never use the change table I painstakingly crafted? lol. I suppose I wouldn’t miss diapers. Are we prepared for the attachment and grieving challenges? Do we have the support network? Can we hit the ground running with appropriate and coordinated discipline?
Now that it is made, I’m at peace with the change. Sometime next week Imagine will get the paperwork and email it off to Ethiopia. Who knows? we could still be refered twin infants (yikes – maybe I’ll leave that up to the Sandi’s of the world – a braver woman than I!)) or we might just have a 2 and a 3 year old. Guess we’ll just have to see.
PS. Our much appreciated social worker, if you are reading this, thank you so much for hustling out that paperwork!!! And more importantly, for helping us through this decision. (I should actually saying helping me, since Jrock said “as long as I don’t have to teach them to shave when they arrive, we’re good.” )
Ok… your hubby’s remark cracked me up. As for missing the baby stage, I know others might feel differently but I have no regrets whatsoever. There’s nothing like watching the older kids discover swimming, snow, ice cream, bikes… you name it. Good luck!
It’s a hard choice. We too decided to open up our request but to siblings or 1 under 12 months a week or so ago. It’s tough to have to decide on something new after your heart has been set on the “other thing” for so long. Well, hopefully this means you’ll hear something soon
I am glad you and Jrock are at peace with your change and I really hope a request of 2 beautiful children comes your way soon.
Hugs back to you,
Rana
What a tough decision that must have been to make but I’m glad that you’re feeling good with it. The children that are meant for your family will be joining you soon! Although there are wonderful things that happen at the baby stage, we’re finding that every new stage brings even bigger and better things and so I wouldnt’ worry too much about missing out on anything as you’ll have so much good stuff to look forward to!
Thinking of your family and hoping that you will be celebrating soon! Very soon!
I, too, believe that the children who are meant to be yours will come your way.
We really believed we would be referred two toddlers and when we were referred a 4 month old I was shocked! I didn’t think I wanted to do the baby thing again. But, as soon as we met our sons, we knew the were perfect for our family and that feeling grows stronger everyday.
I look forward to hearing the news of your referral!
I also enjoyed your husbands comment about the shaving (-: I’m sure you wont have to worry about that – hehe
You both seem like such nice people, you will be such amazing parents! I hope you get a referral soon.
I agree with Courtney and Shauna – I totally believe that the children meant for you will make their way to you. I am glad to hear that you’ve made peace with your decision and I hope that broadening it up the age ranges will bring your referral SOON!!
–Danielle
You have to do what feels right for you, and it sounds like this decision has brought you a fair bit of peace on this stressful journey. As long as you think that you are ready to parent whatever age you request, that’s the most important thing — and it sounds like you guys totally are. It’s clear that you have not taken this decision to change lightly, and that can only be good for your family in the long run!
It’s a tough decision, but it’s one that has to come from the heart and from a lot of soul searching — and it sounds very much like this feels right for your family.
Now, it’s just a matter of waiting to see who these fantastic kids will be! (Shaving men need not apply.
)
I love JRock’s comment
Congratulations on making what must have been a very difficult. Here’s to a quick referral for your beautiful children.
Well, here’s to the courage to change. I’ve been thinking a lot about your decision. While it really wouldn’t be the right choice for me, in some ways I think the new age bracket seems to suit YOU two more. I really don’t think that you will have any regrets at all once you see your beautiful, unique children. You’ll be too busy figuring out the parenting thing (and how!). As for some of the other stuff:
1. The changing table: Don’t write it off just yet. Two year olds are not generally fully potty-trained yet. And, there’s always the regression issues that come with major change and previously potty-trained toddlers. (One of the few things they CAN control in their lives in times of major upheaval is whether or not they poop in their pants. Why they choose the pants option is a complete mystery to me!)
2. Are you prepared for the attachment and grieving disorders? If anyone IS prepared, Nic, it’s you! And remember, you don’t necessarily get less grief with babies, it’s just manifested in different ways.
3. Do you have the support network? Well, your family is behind you (and in-stride when you’re ready and wanting it) 100%. Count on it.
4. Discipline and hit-the-ground-running parenting? Everyone tries to prepare, and nobody could ever really be prepared for an instant family situation (I know it’s not feeling instant right now, but you know what I mean). You and JRock are both highly intelligent, capable people, great problem solvers and good at thinking on your feet, (or mid-leap, as the case may be) but most importantly, caring parents-to-be. When you make mistakes (as everyone does), the love you have for your children will carry you through.
So- I for one am hoping for a speedy referral with the change – it sounds like a good choice, and I know you’ve been thinking about it for a good while, now. Your family waits with great anticipation for the children that are meant to join our clan.
Thinking of both of you in these turbulent times,
(Auntie) Ena
Thank you – Auntie Ena.
Nicky…you and Jrock are one cool couple! I really admire what you’re doing here! Takes honesty and courage! P.S. Your Aunt sounds wonderful!!! Must run in the family! Good luck to you both!
Cheers,
T.Kynde
Well, a hard decision indeed but I’m glad you are at peace with it, and I’m glad for your future children, too. I’ve written before about how great older kids are, so I’m so happy to see a couple who are prepared to (possibly) forego the infant years in favour of parenting (slightly) older children. Seeing all the kids at the toddler/older kids house when we were there last December, and seeing the list of parental requests which is soooo heavy on “infant under 12 months” has always made me sad for the sake of the older children, who are so sweet and deserving too. As for the “attachment and grieving issues” – you may be surprised, there may be very little of that. With both my kids (both adopted at between 4.5 and 5 yrs old) I’ve had very little in the way of attachment and grieving issues. Some, but minor minor minor. As others have said, you can get it with a baby too… it’s just different.
I’ve been checking in with your blog for the past six months hopint to see the referral news. Now I’ll be hoping even harder that the referral comes QUICK!
Congrats on changing your request…especially because you are at peace about it. we changed our request from twins to a single child….one which took some soul searchign for sure! But then we were referred Judah…and well it all made sense. And he came home at one year…which isn’t technically an ‘older’ child…but he wasn’t a little bitty baby either. And quite frankly…I thought I was going to miss not having that year of ‘baby’ with him…but it’s been great…and I’m not grieving it at all..there are too many fun and great things that he is doing right now!
If Ontario would allow us to adopt out of birth order we would sooooo adopt an older child…but of course Ontario has to be annoying about everything…so we can’t. Maybe in the future when our youngest is older!