A $25,000 question
Jul. 28th | Posted by Nicky
33 comments
Earlier today, I received a comment on my blog that I thought deserved a more prolonged answer. Here is the comment (it pertains to the post right before this one.)
Nicky,
I pose this question of you because you seem thoughtful, intelligent, and capable of answering this with depth and hopeful understanding. I honestly don’t mean this to be rude – let me please clarify that I am not trying to rub salt into any wound…or be difficult. I’m just personally trying to understand the situation you express in Africa. You’ve been helpful in the things you’ve explained in your blog before.I understand how much people want to have children and want children of their own…
Would it not be helpful to “donate” the money you’re using for adoption (not you personally, but people in general who are adopting) to try to keep the family unit together in Africa? Would this not mean a lot of money and existance to these people? Not all children are orphans and many still haveparents who are alive.I’ve pondered this question for quite some time and wondered from your perspective what you think of this question?
I hope I haven’t offended you by asking you this…
Yours truly,
T. Kynde
So I read your comment, T, and the regular immediate responses came to mind:
- We DO donate a bunch of money. Probably more than my husband ever planned. lol We send children to school in three different countries, including a little girl in Ethiopia who can live with extended relations and go to school because of our support. And I fundraise for a variety of organizations, including Doctors Without Borders (MSF), the Rotary Foundation, etc.
- Lots of these kids don’t have families to take care of them – many of them dead already or overwhelmed by the sheer number of kids who need a home.
OK, so those are the usual answers – and quite true, by the way. But since you asked so nicely … and flattered me, which always goes a long way with an ego-driven person such as myself – then I’ll flesh this out a lot more and give your $25,000 question a more thorough answer.
So first, let’s get real. An I don’t mean in the Dr. Phil sense. I mean really real.
It costs about $25,000 in fees, orphanage support, immigration paperwork, notarizations, criminal record checks and 2 weeks in Ethiopia for 2 adults, to bring two kids home. Plus or minus a few grand. So we are talking a serious undertaking. When people decide to adopt, they have to be quite committed (or stinking filthy rich – umm, don’t know anyone like that) to come up with that kind of money.
Now let’s break your question down: First, you mentioned how much people want kids. This is very true. For many people, this is the last/only option to build a family. And, often, they want kids desperately. I have met several people who have battled with infertility, and I can only imagine how painful and empty that must feel.
That said, Jrock and I aren’t in that boat. As far as we know, we could give birth to kids. Of course, you never know until you try and we’ve never tried. But as far as we know. So our decision isn’t driven by the need for children. It would be a lot less costly to pop a couple out. So why go across the planet to pick our kids up?
Which brings us to the meat of your question. Wouldn’t money be better spent supporting families withfood (and I’ll add in medication – ) then squandering $25,000 on helping two kids and getting a frantic frugal 2 week vacation?
Boy, doesn’t every adoptive parent stress over this one. Some of us more than others, sure, but it crosses everyone’s mind…
One thing I have to do in my work life is to quantify the qualitative. Meaning that I have to place or manipulate a value on the soft things, such as quality of life or quality of the environment. The orphans, with no birth family, are an easy answer. The best thing for these kids, child by child, is to be in a loving family. All the money in the world spent on institutional care is not as good. On a child basis anyway. If you look at an entire population, that isn’t necessarily the case. A bunch of kids (and I don’t know the numbers) in institutional care (in properly run orphanages with qualified and caring caregivers) might – might – be better than most of them on the streets and a few happy in homes.
Am I adopting to save a country? No – I have enough realism in me to know it’s not a solution. And any greater social good that I want to pay for / contribute to / stir up / catalyze will be more focused at the root of the problem (like building water wells or sending kids to school) or at least triage on a broader societal scale (like food or ARV meds.)
But if you are looking to make a profound difference in one child’s life – child by child, well, adoption can do that. Big time. (And I will add the obvious caveat that you have to actually want kids because they are a permanent decision.) Now, what I am saying isn’t popular in the adoption world and I might get a big slap across the head from a friend or two. I think adoption has a tempestuous history including First Nations kids being ripped from their homes and Korean kids loosing their cultural roots, etc. We are very hesitant to try to ‘help,” since there have been so many screwed-up botched attempts to trying to do what is best for kids. There have been many dead-end roads paved with good intentions. (As well as many many wonderful successful stories, but that doesn’t prove my point, so let’s ignore that for a sec.) So today, the popular thing to say is “we simply want children.” The self-centred answer is the safe one, because ”we just want kids” doesn’t make pronouncements about what is best for the kids.
So I take a risk in saying this. But for a little girl whose mom dies beside her on the pavement begging or a young boy whose mom leaves the country and her 5 kids with the impoverished grandparents looking for work… (real kids I know) …for those kids, a loving home in a foreign country is better than starving on the streets or being 6th at the bowl of rice when the food runs out. And is that child’s life and livehood worth $25,000? You bet. Absolutely. A child has that worth… simply because they are a child. And in the broader societal sense, a child who is educated and raised to be a postiive member of the community can have an even broader societal value. And I firmly, absolutely, believe that child has as much worth as one that came out of me. So I choose to adopt, and invest, so to speak, in an existing child.
Ok, so how about the money? – Do people just wake up one morning and decide to spend 1/2 -1/4 of their annual income on feeding people a million miles away? Not very often. Sometimes… but not very often. And what do you see as a direct result? Well, 50,000 people got a bowl of lentils today because of you. Valuable? Sure! Long term impact? – well…. only if someone else takes over tomorrow. (As an aside, I’m 100% positive that Jrock and I will donate $25,000 to charity in our lifetimes - it’s pretty easy to extrapolate – but that is not all at once. )
And what about the kids that still have birth families? What about those that have a mom and she can’t feed her kids because she doesn’t have any money? Or worse – even more sad – who is dying of AIDS because she can’t afford nor access ARVs?
That’s a kicker.
That’s the heart of your question, isn’t it?
Well, heck. I don’t know.
I think some people choose to adopt, knowing that they may become parents to kids with living, breathing birth families, because they can go the distance. They can completly affect one child’s life. (Also, if you read the literature on why people choose to donate time or money to charities, it’s because 1. they have a personal connection and 2. they believe their donation will have an impact. Recognition and peer approval and all those things are far behind.) I hope – I truly hope – that the money I’ve raised for MSF will keep a few ladies in good health and enable them to see their children grow up. But a healthy dose of reality here too. There will still be ladies who don’t access the ARV programs. The non-profits will only take over for government so far. There will be people the food programs don’t reach. And when those children affected are found or are relinquished by their parents… they need loving homes.
I noticed in your compliments you didn’t mention that I’m concise or focused – good thing! I would have made a liar out of you! I hope my ramblings have made some sense.
I hope some of my fellow adoptive parents – agreeing or disagreeing or expanding – will add their own answers to your question.
Nicky
P.S. A concise summary of this rambling would be the starfish parable.
My husband says I didn’t make any sense.
“But it’s a difficult topic,” he consoles me.
Nicky
Good response! I would like to add a little comment about children with living birth parents or extended family.
The easy answer to this question is to always to talk about adopting ‘true orphans’ that have no birth or extended family to care for them… but there are ‘orphans’ with birthparents and/or extended family – that are also truly in need of a loving home.
You need to realize that the cultures in other countries, like Ethiopia, have very different views and attitudes for many situations like, step – children, single parent families, unwed mothers, etc. They may not be accepting or in fact people can be out casted because of these types of situations.
In Ethiopia, for example – a single parent father – whose 1st wife may have died, is not a desirable candidate for re-marriage because he has children…so often the children are ‘abandoned’ so he can avoid this stigma and remarry – as being married is very important in the Ethiopian culture. Lucky children are placed in an orphange somehow and provided for, unlucky children are just sent out onto the streets to fend for themselves..
Children being raised by Grandparnents, aunts/uncles etc can also be seen/treated as ‘second’ class citizens.
etc…these are just a couple of examples where sending these families $$ to help ‘raise’ their children would not be doing these particular children any good.
This is a big question that I am sure all adoptive families and perspective adoptive families ask themselves at one time or another…there is no simple answer – every family has to find their own way and do what feels best for them -there are many factors that need to be taken into account and a lot of research and soul searching that needs to be done.
For us personally, adoption was about building a family – not saving a child or country. We do feel that it is important to help and donate to Ethiopia and other countries and situations where people need help. We have done that, do do that and will continue to do that and hope to instill that same spirit and importance of giving into our children.
Just my 2 cents
Good ‘cents’, Shelley.
Cultural values and their implications are something we definately have to keep in mind…
Wow. Very big topic, and great response. I am so glad you wrote about this, because it is a topic that I have been asked about as well. You have helped me immensly in preparing an appropriate reponse when asked in the future. Those are all things I would agree with, but previously could not put into words.
Well said!
Thank you!
Claire
-beginning the process to adopt
How timely, I am literally in the process of drafting a blog post on this exact subject. You (and the added comments) have framed it so well, I am hoping that you would allow me to link to this post???
Laura
You bet, Laura – no problem.
Thank you for your clarification, Nicky! You have certainly broadened my horizons!!!
Although I’m sure your husband is a lovely person, he’s wrong in saying that your post made no sense. It made PERFECT sense! Thank you for taking the time to express all that you have here!
I have always been very curious what an adoptive parent’s perpective is on this. Again, this is not meant to be a rude question – just something I’ve pondered often. I can now see from the other pespective why adoption is very important!
Thank you for educating me!
T. Kynde
As always Nicky, I enjoyed your blog today… I maybe should take pause and ponder what I’m about to say but heck, then I wouldn’t be me …
We chose to adopted because we wanted a family. Trying to conceive for 3 years just made me crazy and gave me a back ache. We were selfish and wanted children. That’s it, plain and simple. I’m selfish, I wanted a kid, so now I have one. Or at least that’s how I looked at it…
We had the oppourtunity to meet our daughters birth mother. WOW humbling. No matter how much I think I love this child I could never love her as much as her birth mother did because I could never love her enough to give her away. Her Enat (what we call her birth mother) gave her up for adoption because she wanted her to have a better life than she has or would ever be able to give her. That is real love! Enat wants Sofia to go to school, to learn to read, to learn math, to be a doctor. Enat knew that in Ethiopia Sofia would never have those oppourtunities, so she put her up for adoption to Canada. I promised her that I will teach Sofia to read that I will teach Sofia math. I did not promise her that Sofia will be a doctor because only Sofia knows what she will be. I will give her all the tools I can to fulfill her Enats dreams…
My husband and I have dreams for Sofia as well. We would like for her to go back to Ethiopia as an adult. We would like for her to take her North American oppourtunity and make a difference. But that is our dream…. She’s only 14 months so we’ll have to wait to see what her dream is.
Great post!
I have answered this question many times, in many different ways. You have done a wonderful job of answering it…
Shauna
Nicky,
I think you answered that very well.
It is a question that we have definately thought about too. In our case we aren’t adopting to help a country, we are selfishly adopting to become parents. And this adoption has opened our eyes to the need in Africa and has therefore resulted in and will comntinue to result in, much more donating then we would have normally done.
Ricki
Thanks for sharing your story, Alicia….
Hey Ricki -
I would like to elaborate a little on your point.
I know we chose Ethiopia because it was the program that fit us best: siblings were available, the children infrequenty have attachment issue, there is no chance of FAS, the culture is one we can identify with, and there is a real need for parents.
But after we decided on Ethiopia, well, then things changed. I had always felt for those impoverished or ill, but now – well, it is entirely possible that our childrens’ family members have or will die of AIDS. Those far distant problems are now very very real and we have a direct connection to Ethiopia’s health, poverty and inequality issues (as well as the wonderful aspects of the people, landscape and culture.)
How can you not care even more? I definitely think my focus in volunteering and fundraising has shifted away from my community and then environment to orphans and water wells. For sure. And I think, too, Ricki, just like you, that we donate more because we are adopting. Everything is just that more real and personal.
Nicky
Wow Nicky, what an incredible post and I love the way you’ve explained it. I agree with everything you’ve said but could never have said it with as much articulation or eloquence as you have! Thanks for blogging about this. Its a subject that I also think about a lot.
–Danielle
Nicky,
Wowsers, that’s one to tackle! Good job, I think this would have got me all flabbergasted and yelling out why must I defend my actions. But, you, awesome way to nail it out of the park. Ditto, I say for most of us adopting parents!
Rhonda
You have a great ability to express your thoughts…I really enjoyed your post! I also have thought about this a lot, it is great to get some discussion going about it!
Shannon
This is an excellent post. This 25k question is one that I wrestle with quite frequently. Thanks for your honesty and eloquence.
Hey Nicky,
What a great post!! I was wondering if I could re post it on our blog?
It sums up the whole issue quote well and would be a benefit for people who ask us about why we are adopting from Ethiopia.
Adam
P.S. I’d like to link to this post if it is okay with you?
No problem, Julie and Adam.
Well done all. The $64,000 question answered (or parts of it anyway). Without breaching the privacy of my daughter’s birthmom, I can say without hesitation that, although I struggled mightily with this issue, her decision to give up custody of Makeda was the right decision. In this particular case. I can think of many situtations where adequate funding to keep a family together may well be the best solution. Shelley’s point is closest to my heart. Just because a child in Ethiopia still has a living parent, or living family members, does NOT mean that child will receive the love, respect, dignity and opportunities from those remaining family members that he/she will receive from an adoptive family.
Hey Nicky!
Well, I think everyone summed it up pretty well…you definitely put it into words much more eloquently than I could ever have.
I believe that any person, couple or family who opens their door to a child regardless of if they can’t have a family of their own or because they are just wanting to help out one child at time is to be commended..every child deserves a loving, safe home.
As to the donating money bit, we have always donated money to various charities and we too over the coming years will likely donate a great many more dollars to charity with the bulk of it probably going to our future child’s birth country (Ethiopia).
I believe every single person who is able should donate money, time or whatever to help those in need…not just the people who are adopting.
Kudo to you Nicky, I admire you for speaking your truth.
Rana
What a great post – I found it via Julie – and have enjoyed reading your thoughtful discourse. I surely get this struggle and reflect on it myself – time and time again. I have a couple of thoughts, early morning thoughts, so pardon my rambling. First, sometimes I give what I call the “Oprah answer” when asked about adoption. When Oprah is asked “why a school in S.A.?” she responds by expressing her concern over the lack of “rights for children”. If a child doesn’t have the $18 for a uniform, sorry, no school for her! Why Ethiopia for adoption? Why not give money? Like you, I do give money (I’m doing a fundraiser for MSF right now, it is gobs of fun!). Is my money creating sustainable change? Maybe yes, maybe no. Like you, I totally dig clean water initiatives, literacy initiatives, and sponsoring children to stay with their families. Adoption is for me, also, a way to build my family. I’m thrilled to be bringing home my son this month. I’m humbled by the ways his life has already changed and enlivened our family. Finally, I just want to caution folks from making the adoption of a “true orphan” some sort of “cleaner” or “more ethical” kind of adoption. Let me just say, be careful what you wish for! Honestly, parentage wasn’t front and center to me on this path – but I find that the notion of a “true orphan” is just hogwash. It’s not cleaner, it’s not more ethical, it’s not more accessible in terms of presenting evidence for the “rightfulness” of adoption. It’s different, and there is a HUGE empty place that will beg to be filled for a whole lifetime.
OK…time for coffee and packing. I’m on my way to Ethiopia!
Hi, Nicky…just found your blog through Julie’s. I really appreciate this post. As the mom of an incredible 2 year old Ethiopian boy with 2 living birth parents, it is an ongoing issue for us. We trust and honor the decision they made, but it’s so hard to imagine the pain they must feel now, as we live in the complete joy of our son.We got to meet them, which was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am so grateful we did it.
All the answers you give make a lot of sense. We also had not tried to get pregnant (which apparently, we can, because I am now!) but just knew our baby was in Ethiopia. I find myself getting defensive sometimes in the adoption community, because their are so many AP’s who feel that my son should never have been available for adoption. It’s hard to hear that, especially from people who have also adopted. Anyway, thanks for your post and your incredibly coherent response to this question. I always tend to ramble (as you can see!) and am never able to answer like this. Good luck to you!
Geez this was good. My husband and I have chosen to adopt for the same reason, but don’t think I ever articulated it as well as you did. I would like to link to this tomorrow if that’s all right with you – not to be a copy cat – but, I’d like some of my family members to read it.
Cindy
Wow – wonderful wonderful post – thank you for spending the time and effort to articulate what many of us have tried to!
And some great comments here, too!
Cindy – you are welcome to share
I agree with you Barbara – Shelley makes a good point. (And she would know.)
Meghan also makes a good point – and the subjest of “true orphans” is one I struggle with. I heard a rumour (ONLY A RUMOUR!) that Ethiopia might restrict international adoption to kids that had ben abandoned, or that it was known that their parents are dea. This might shape / change is discussion a bit a s well. (AGAIN< only RUMOUR!)
I agree with all of you and you did an excellent job, Nicky, of the reasons we may choose to adopt from Ethiopia, even if we can and sometimes do have bio children. I have to admit that I was first frustrated by the comment and would not have provided as well thought out and articulate response as you. I wonder why we must defend why we want to adopt and why we would go through such great lengths and money to do so. I wonder how those who are posing these questions (and I know that many do with good intentions) feel about me asking how they are spending their money and questioning why they would buy a new truck, boat etc, rather than using that money to help people who are in crisis either in Ethiopia or in their own communities. Or, why anyone chooses to have more than one bio child, after all, children are expensive either way! I could keep going on and on and on, but I will spare you all as Nicky has already summed it up way better than I could ever.
Anyway, well done!
Very good points Nicky and well put. There is one more that I would like to add, if I may. Although adoption may seem like it only “saves” that one child (or two in the case of siblings), we have found that just the awareness that it has brought to others around us has changed the lives of many people, both here and in Africa. An old high school friend of mine, upon reading my post explaining our decision to adopt siblings instead of one, decided to sponsor two children in Ethiopia through Compassion Canada. Others we know have wanted to be involved in fundraising efforts and so far, five individuals and families that have sometimes considered adoption but didn’t actually think they would ever really do it because it was such a scary unknown, have decided to adopt and all have at least started the process so I like to think that if each of those adopted two, then that is another 10 children that have forever families and a lifetime of love. For those really close to us, some have made financial decisions differently because of the personal nature of getting to know our adopted kids and of knowing that they will also love our future children from Africa. An example is that one chose to get a less expensive vehicle because he is now aware of how far money can go in Ethiopia and said he would have felt guilty driving around a luxury car with the knowledge he now has. Part of that knowledge came when we bought 30 copies of the book “There Is no Me Without You” and circulated them around. So far, at least 60 people have read the book and when it comes to our upcoming fundraising for Ethiopia, I would say that those people will be far more generous with their money and help than they would have been were they less aware. This answer has been very rambling but I guess my point is that by adopting and bringing these children into our communities, families, and circles of friends, we raise global awareness and who knows how far reaching that may be so your $25000 may go a lot further than you ever imagine.
I just checked back in the hopes that I had posted a comment – I didn’t. I remember being at a loss for words at the time so I must have planned to think about this all. Now, I still can’t think of anything to add to what you have written, so I’ll just say – WHAT A GREAT RESPONSE. Nicky, you have a wonderful way with words. I think you did a great job of articulating how we all feel about this very, complex question.
I have also blogged about this same issue. I do not believe there is one correct answer. The truth of the matter is that if people treated one another with more humanity and compassion, people in Ethiopia would not have to live the way they are living. Until there is equal access to birth control and medical care there will continue to be too many children for the Ethiopian economy to currently handle. Unfortunately there just is no safety net for the people most in need. Once you have travelled in Ethiopia and experienced the enormity of the challenges the people face you would never feel that your money is not well spent. Only then can you truly understand how helping one child at a time can have a ten fold recovery. As you mentioned, any parent would pay much more than that if they had to for each and every one of their children.
Thats not to say however, that after travelling you may wonder where exactly all of the money goes. Theres a whole lot of fees required every step of the way. Our own goverments get a piece. Those parts of my experience bothered me most concerning money.
One last thing to point out. People that choose to adopt from Ethiopia and stay connected to their child’s country will continue to donate some way. Through sponsorship, or clean water assistance, it should be important to keep your child’s country a part of your lives.
Thanks for the wonderful way you addressed this issue, Nicky.
You know, my thoughts about why I adopt changed in my first week with my daughter.
The change was similar to the one I experienced as a teacher. For most of my life, I wanted to be a teacher. And when I finally became one, my first feeling about it was very focussed on me. “I am a teacher!” I said to myself, proudly. And then, very soon, I discovered that teaching is really not about me at all. It is about the students and their hopes and dreams and possibilities. My role was to be there for them and to care for their souls, and to help them care for their own souls.
And so it was with parenting. All I really wanted was to become a mother. I chose adoption because it was the only way for me to do so. Although it sounds selfish, I have to admit that initially, it was all about me in my journey to become a mother. And then, of course, once my daughter came into my life (really came into my life – not as an idea or a photo, but as a living, breathing person in front of me and in my care), I realized, once again, that it is not about me. It is about her, and all that she is and all that she may become.
And so now, I would say that I adopted because I want to help my daughter realize her hopes, her dreams, her possibilities. Because she is this amazing little being who deserves to have someone there who cares for her soul and in so doing, helps her become all that she deserves to be.
Great thoughts to you and all the commenters on your post. You have put so much energy into the different aspects of this topic.
I’ve heard it touched upon here but it’s worth mentioning that as much as we are deciding to adopt, we do not have all the power. We are matched with a child with a certain birth history, and that family or birth mother made a huge decision to relinquish their child.
So as much as we would like to patrol our ethics on truly “orphaned” or not, it really is the birth mother/family who has made the original decision, thus relinquishing this child for adoption. This child would be in institutionalized care if it not for adoptive parents. Same as domestic adoptions here as well.
I hope I’m made my point clear. I really appreciate all the discussion around this. I am surprised almost daily of the comments and questions I’ve received since we have returned and this helps me in ways to answer and deal with those comments.
I came here from Julie’s too. This is a great discussion. I have adopted twice domestically so have a different perspective but I also struggle with the question of whether it would have been better to simply donate the money I raised for adoption fees to the children’s birth families to assist them beyond the economic hardships that significantly contributed to their reasons for placing their sons. Leaving aside the reality that I did not have direct contact with their first families and did not have that opportunity, ethically it is still a question to struggle with. The hard truth is that poverty and lack of opportunity put them in a place where giving up their child seemed the only way to care for their loved infant. My white privilege has given me advantages economically, educationally, and socially all my life, putting me in a position to provide what they could not. I am single and I struggle to pay the bills but I have access to the very best education, soccer leagues, music lessons, and organic local fresh fruit, etc. which I think would be beyond what their first mothers could have offered. That’s the bottom line.
I often wonder if there are things I should be doing to try to change the systems that contribute to this injustice. Choices about where I shop, how I spend my money, what little luxuries I enjoy that have a very real economic impact on less privileged families. Coffee, for example. Chocolate. (Do we know where that chocolate comes from and who grows, picks, processes, defends it?) Enjoying watching the Olympics on TV even though the consumerism feeding on it is wrecking havoc on the environment and the common people’s lives in rural China (have your heard/read about the water shortage in Beijing and the sacrifices the farmers are making? Drought and famine in exchange for fountains and flower displays for our pleasure.)
I am getting off point. My idea is that maybe our daily choices of how we spend our little money have as much impact on the “orphans” and struggling families as our big donations or adoption fees. If we are shopping at Walmart because it means we can buy more stuff but we don’t notice the single mom working there with no health care or retirement benefits whose children are home hungry with no childcare, are we blind? Maybe we need to take the conversation farther and be willing to give up more of our comfort in order to really see the big picture.
Nicky,
I found your blog through the yahoo boards. Congrats on your referral of your girls! I have only been participating on the boards a short while, but long enough to know that you guys have been waiting long and patiently for your kids.
I just read this post about the $25,000 question and needed to let you know how happy I am that you have been able to express so clearly what I have been struggling to articulate to my loved ones, never mind to a complete stranger who asked, in my opinion, a very bold question.
You did a great job of capturing the motivation behind many adoptions, and answering a question that I have seen posed before (though never asked) but could never quite come up with such a thoughtful and appropriate response.
Also, I love the starfish parable. It always makes me choke up a little.
Cheers