In the Canadian Ethiopian adoption world it’s been a busy week!  Lots of referrals (no, not for us, but we’re happy for the others…) and visas coming in, which means parents picking up their babes.

Back in the sunny Okanagan, we’re so glad to have some friends bring home their new son.  He’s a cutester – the biggest Ethiopian baby I’ve ever seen! with an equally big smile.

Jrock and I went out for sushi and an open air concert with these friends last weekend.  It’s just so nice to see them together.  T and J had SUCH a long wait for a referral, and then another huge wait to pick up their baby. And now they are growing and learning to be a family of four.  Of course, I got to maul their daughter, who is a little love, full of p and v.  Jrock and I went home from our evening with a little bit of anguish but also a little bit more hope – and started looking forward to our referral again.

We also went to an adoptive families picnic two days later – unfortunately my camera was all out of batteries.  It was nice that there were 2 other couples sans kids there.  Last year we made pretty lonely figures   The picnic was organized by AFABC – the Adoptive Families Assoc. of BC.  If you are in BC, you should check them up.  They are a great place to meet other folks and they run some great workshops on communication, transracial parenting, etc.

Earlier today, I received a comment on my blog that I thought deserved a more prolonged answer.  Here is the comment (it pertains to the post right before this one.)

Nicky,
I pose this question of you because you seem thoughtful, intelligent, and capable of answering this with depth and hopeful understanding. I honestly don’t mean this to be rude – let me please clarify that I am not trying to rub salt into any wound…or be difficult. I’m just personally trying to understand the situation you express in Africa. You’ve been helpful in the things you’ve explained in your blog before.

I understand how much people want to have children and want children of their own…
Would it not be helpful to “donate” the money you’re using for adoption (not you personally, but people in general who are adopting) to try to keep the family unit together in Africa? Would this not mean a lot of money and existance to these people? Not all children are orphans and many still haveparents who are alive.

I’ve pondered this question for quite some time and wondered from your perspective what you think of this question?

I hope I haven’t offended you by asking you this…

Yours truly,
T. Kynde

So I read your comment, T, and the regular immediate responses came to mind:

• We DO donate a bunch of money.  Probably more than my husband ever planned. lol  We send children to school in three different countries, including a little girl in Ethiopia who can live with extended relations and go to school because of our support.  And I fundraise for a variety of organizations, including Doctors Without Borders (MSF), the Rotary Foundation, etc.
• Lots of these kids don’t have families to take care of them – many of them dead already or overwhelmed by the sheer number of kids who need a home.

OK, so those are the usual answers – and quite true, by the way.  But since you asked so nicely … and flattered me, which always goes a long way with an ego-driven person such as myself – then I’ll flesh this out a lot more and give your $25,000 question a more thorough answer.

So first, let’s get real.  An I don’t mean in the Dr. Phil sense.  I mean really real.

It costs about $25,000 in fees, orphanage support, immigration paperwork, notarizations, criminal record checks and 2 weeks in Ethiopia for 2 adults, to bring two kids home.  Plus or minus a few grand.  So we are talking a serious undertaking.  When people decide to adopt, they have to be quite committed (or stinking filthy rich – umm, don’t know anyone like that) to come up with that kind of money.

Now let’s break your question down: First, you mentioned how much people want kids.  This is very true.  For many people, this is the last/only option to build a family.  And, often, they want kids desperately. I have met several people who have battled with infertility, and I can only imagine how painful and empty that must feel.

That said, Jrock and I aren’t in that boat.  As far as we know, we could give birth to kids.  Of course, you never know until you try and we’ve never tried.  But as far as we know.  So our decision isn’t driven by the need for children.  It would be a lot less costly to pop a couple out. So why go across the planet to pick our kids up?

Which brings us to the meat of your question.  Wouldn’t money be better spent supporting families withfood (and I’ll add in medication – ) then squandering $25,000 on helping two kids and getting a frantic frugal 2 week vacation?

Boy, doesn’t every adoptive parent stress over this one.  Some of us more than others, sure, but it crosses everyone’s mind…

One thing I have to do in my work life is to quantify the qualitative.  Meaning that I have to place or manipulate a value on the soft things, such as quality of life or quality of the environment. The orphans, with no birth family, are an easy answer.  The best thing for these kids, child by child, is to be in a loving family. All the money in the world spent on institutional care is not as good. On a child basis anyway.  If you look at an entire population, that isn’t necessarily the case.  A bunch of kids (and I don’t know the numbers) in institutional care (in properly run orphanages with qualified and caring caregivers) might – might – be better than most of them on the streets and a few happy in homes. 

Am I adopting to save a country?  No – I have enough realism in me to know it’s not a solution.  And any greater social good that I want to pay for / contribute to / stir up / catalyze will be more focused at the root of the problem (like building water wells or sending kids to school) or at least triage on a broader societal scale (like food or ARV meds.)

But if you are looking to make a profound difference in one child’s life – child by child, well, adoption can do that.  Big time.  (And I will add the obvious caveat that you have to actually want kids because they are a permanent decision.)  Now, what I am saying isn’t popular in the adoption world and I might get a big slap across the head from a friend or two. I think adoption has a tempestuous history including First Nations kids being ripped from their homes and Korean kids loosing their cultural roots, etc.  We are very hesitant to try to ‘help,” since there have been so many screwed-up botched attempts to trying to do what is best for kids.  There have been many dead-end roads paved with good intentions. (As well as many many wonderful successful stories, but that doesn’t prove my point, so let’s ignore that for a sec.) So today, the popular thing to say is “we simply want children.”  The self-centred answer is the safe one, because ”we just want kids” doesn’t make pronouncements about what is best for the kids.

So I take a risk in saying this.  But for a little girl whose mom dies beside her on the pavement begging or a young boy whose mom leaves the country and her 5 kids with the impoverished grandparents looking for work… (real kids I know) …for those kids, a loving home in a foreign country is better than starving on the streets or being 6th at the bowl of rice when the food runs out.  And is that child’s life and livehood worth $25,000?  You bet.  Absolutely. A child has that worth… simply because they are a child.  And in the broader societal sense, a child who is educated and raised to be a postiive member of the community can have an even broader societal value. And I firmly, absolutely, believe that child has as much worth as one that came out of me.  So I choose to adopt, and invest, so to speak, in an existing child.

Ok, so how about the money? – Do people just wake up one morning and decide to spend 1/2 -1/4 of their annual income on feeding people a million miles away?  Not very often.  Sometimes… but not very often.  And what do you see as a direct result? Well, 50,000 people got a bowl of lentils today because of you.  Valuable?  Sure!  Long term impact? – well…. only if someone else takes over tomorrow. (As an aside, I’m 100% positive that Jrock and I will donate $25,000 to charity in our lifetimes - it’s pretty easy to extrapolate – but that is not all at once. )

And what about the kids that still have birth families?  What about those that have a mom and she can’t feed her kids because she doesn’t have any money?  Or worse – even more sad – who is dying of AIDS because she can’t afford nor access ARVs?

That’s a kicker. 

That’s the heart of your question, isn’t it?

Well, heck.  I don’t know.

I think some people choose to adopt, knowing that they may become parents to kids with living, breathing birth families, because they can go the distance.  They can completly affect one child’s life. (Also, if you read the literature on why people choose to donate time or money to charities, it’s because 1. they have a personal connection and 2. they believe their donation will have an impact.  Recognition and peer approval and all those things are far behind.)  I hope – I truly hope – that the money I’ve raised for MSF will keep a few ladies in good health and enable them to see their children grow up. But a healthy dose of reality here too.  There will still be ladies who don’t access the ARV programs. The non-profits will only take over for government so far.  There will be people the food programs don’t reach.  And when those children affected are found or are relinquished by their parents… they need loving homes.

I noticed in your compliments you didn’t mention that I’m concise or focused – good thing! I would have made a liar out of you!  I hope my ramblings have made some sense. 

I hope some of my fellow adoptive parents – agreeing or disagreeing or expanding – will add their own answers to your question.

Nicky

P.S. A concise summary of this rambling would be the starfish parable.

Things are getting worse and worse in Ethiopia – apparently food costs have risen dramatically, but goats and cattle (the main source of wealth for Ethiopia farmers) are worth much less because of the animals’ own malnutrition. You can see more pictures and coverage by the BBC by clicking the photo above.

It hurts to think that because of the weather, children are starving and parents are unable to care for their kids. It’s a strange world – I think every parent adopting from Ethiopia thinks about the inequalities we are born into by lottery and fate.  Some family won’t be able to care for their children because they were born rural farmers in Ethiopia. Then we, who were born into middle-class families in Canada, will parent the children.  They suffer for climate change and social inequity.  We create it. The irony is biting.

People often talk about the “right to have children.”  I don’t think there is any such right.  It’s a priviledge dictated by circumstance… and a serious responsibility, especially if you are taking up where others left off. 

Adoption is a wonderful way to build and rebuild families, but it is also based on loss and grief. Children aren’t losing their families because we are adopting them… but we are adopting them because they’ve lost their families.  I don’t think that is very far from any parent’s mind.

The questions I try to remember to consider are “what is the cause?” and “what is the effect?”  If you look at it that way, the drought / poverty is the cause.  But we also can have an effect on these things. (Wild weather – climate change; poverty – debt reduction and sustainable development projects…) To act in these areas is also part of the responsibility of parenting.

Two weeks ago I was up north paddling with almost 400 other people protesting the impending Site C dam. Here is a little video I found about the paddle – it’s really fun and you can see where I was! Plus, you’ll recognize lots of my family – everyone except Jrock, who had to stay home and work, was there!

(For any of you who are new to on-line videos, just click on the video screen below and turn up your speakers!)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HaptUQ_AhM]

For more information, visit http://www.paddleforthepeace.ca or http://www.nositec.ca .

My best friend (since grades 4/5) lives up in Prince George, so I realy don’t get to see her very often.  But since I decided to drive up north, and she is 2/3 of the way along the route, I stayed at her house for an overnight on the way up and the way back. 

We ate Indian food, chatted, went for a mosquito-y walk and generally caught up. 

Her hubbie was home on the way back as well – he stayed in town just to have supper with me, which was cool.  And their little Max – well, he’s now all calmed down and quite the charmers…

My parents house – don't Mom;s flowers look nice this year?

it was so wonderful to see all of our family while up in Fort St. John.  The only person missing was Jrock.

My sister and her husband were actually in the process of moving while I was there.  They are heading down to a new life in Invermere, which I think they will really love.  Notice in the moving van picture there are three cat dishes in their hands?  Well, it was a really really full house at Mom and Dad’s.  B and D have moved in until their wedding – and one of the nights I slept with my sister S, her husband M, and their THREE CATS in Mom and Dad’s camper.  Now, that is family togetherness.  (Didn’t sleep a wink.)

Anyway, lots of luck to M and S in their new home!  So nice it will be closer than the 12+ hour trip up north, I tell ya!

out at Kelowna Land and Orchard

My mother-in-law saw one of the pictures I took of her in the garden and exclaimed “I look like an old farmer!”  Well, the irony is, they are.  Ha ha.  But I thought I would rub it in and title the post that way.

Jrock’s parentals are visiting this week – it’s really nice to have them here.  He really missed them – this past 6 months is the longest he’s ever gone without seeing them, and he was so glad when they decided to come out.

So we’re showing them Kelowna – you can see Jrock’s stepdad sipping iced ciders at Raven Ridge, and us going for a walk at Kelowna Land and Orchard Company.  But you know, you can’t have 2 farmers – er, sorry, old farmers! – in town without putting them to work.  so you can see my mum-in-law hacking at the weeds, etc.  The yard will look even more ship shape when they’re gone

My little bro, B, is getting married in 2 weeks.  Wow! only 2 weeks.  While I was up north, we held a surprise shower for his fiancee D.  She was really taken aback – we had a lovely little group of 13 people there, all to wish them well.

D reading the guests' advice on men and marriage

My sister did the invites and my mom hosted with a great spread.  I was in charge of fun and frivolity.  I made fruit shakes (with and without the booze!) We all wrote marital advice on cards for D to read outloud – some pearls of wisdom there! – and then we D played the Newlyweds Game against my bro.  I taped hime answering questions earlier that day, and she played against his video answers.  It was pretty fun

Can’t wait to see everyone at the wedding!- Gramma, my aunties and uncles, S and T, my mom and dad, my sister, her hubbie, and of course, the soon-to-be-newlyweds!

Yesterday was Jrock and I’s 3rd anniversary… I got home just in time so we could spend the evening together.

Anniversary Dinner at Mission Hill

      

We went for dinner at Mission Hill – the Terrace Restaurant.  It was just lovely – the food was fantastic, and there was a different wine paired with each course.  I thought I would take a picture of each plate, but we kept diving into them before I remembered to take a picture!

If you are ever in Kelowna and want a very special night out (fine dining), you just can’t beat the view and the atmosphere of Mission Hill.

Cheers to three years, my love!  Only 57 to go.

This past weekend I travelled up to Northern BC to paddle down he Peace River and protest the proposed Site C Hydroelectric Dam.  I’ll tell you more about my trip when I get back, but for now here are two pictures.  If you want to know more, visit paddleforthepeace.ca !

We sometimes find our baby Haatim in the strangest place. 

Like… what is he doing here?

Just when you think that cats don’t like water…

Actually, I think he was spider hunting!  We do have a few in the house

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/v/17mooP-jIS4]

Harambe is a wonderful family camp that takes place in Naramata each year for families with kids of African descent.  It’s a wonderful opportunity to hang with families that look like yours, and the kids have a great time learning African drumming, Hip Hop dancing, etc. We fully plan on going each year when we get the kids home… but for this summer we just went out for the day. 

Below are a bunch of pictures (friends, games, walking down by the beach and the meditation labyrinth) and a short video of some of the evening’s performances.  The little kids’ dancing is so cute! If you would like to know more about Harambe, click here.

 [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMA6YqbAY3s]

My parents also cruised through for an overnight last week.  They hit the absolute hot hot hot weather – it was 35+, 37+ and 37+ over the 3 weekend days.  Whew! 

Even the dogs (theirs and our 2) were really hot, so we headed down to the dog beach… 5 adults and 3 dogs! (Boy, I’m glad we have the Pilot now!) You can see my dad and his dog Tori way out in the lake – it was refreshing for all of us.  That with a little gelato, helped us beat the heat. 

In the evening, Jrock’s BF K treated us to Thai food take-out (no cooking – yeah – ) and we cracked open a couple bottles of light, fresh wine.  The last pic is of my Mom playing Settlers of Catan with us while my dad took a quick drive down to Summerland. (He’s doing some work studying mountain goats down there.) 

Luckily, 2 days ago the temperature started to fall, and we’re back to the balmy 25-30+.  Very nice.

Last week Jrock’s best friend from Calgary visited… they’ve been BFs -best friends- since elementary school – which is quite something.  Since J had to work the first day, I took K on my bike tour of downtown Kelowna, complete with breakfast in a sidewalk cafe, a cruise down the boardwalks and through the bird sanctuary, followed by some shopping, of course!

It was just nice seeing them hanging out.  It’s hard not seeing your closest friends regularly (I know!) so it’s appreciated when people make the effort to visit. The last pic below is kind of funny.  We made parfaits with the first cherries of the season, and you can see little Hamish lining up to see if he can score some cherries!

I thought I’d give a little update on the wait this month…

Well, we are still “top of the list” – meaning that the next kids who come in who fit our age request will be referred to us – and we are still waiting.  10 months.  Who knew?  Certainly not us.  People who submitted their paperwork for siblings a few weeks/ a month before us have their kids home already. 

My analogy: It’s like being on a train and every time you pull up to a station it just zips on by the platform.  Maybe the next one you’ll be able to get off.  But you’re not sure, because you are not driving the train; you are just a passenger.

We’ve tossed around changing our age request again.  First, because I thought (ok, I knew) that the “one child under 1 year old” is why we haven’t got a referral yet.  Second, because I’ve been spending more time with babies and 1.5 and 2.5 year olds, and I’m finding that I’m enjoying the older ones more.  But we haven’t made any changes.  I worry that we’ll get the kids home and then I’d think “Oooo, I miss not having had a baby…”  And since these are our only 2 kids, well… I just don’t want any regrets.  So I continue to mull that one over.

However, we’ve now reached that shady time of the year when referrals come in, but the courts are closed. (For August and September – the judicial system shuts down for the rainy season in Ethiopia.) We wouldn’t be bringing our kids home till Christmas if we got a referral tomorrow or mid October. So… we wait. And it doesn’t really matter as far as wait times go if we change our request in the next 3 months or not.  I’m starting to think about what work I will do in the fall (my work is contractual, and I hadn’t taken any contracts, anticipating that I would be with the kids at home – WRONG-O!) and am starting to resign myself to another 5-6 months of no kids. Resigning doesn’t mean being happy with, it just means (hopefully) being able to live a little more in the moment, knowing that it won’t happen any time soon.