Legitimate Families
Apr. 25th | Posted by Nicky
18 comments
I stumbled a little late on this conversation… Shannon blogged about two issues we ALL deal with, as parents adopting from Ethiopia.
First, what to say about the bloody Angelina comment. Anybody actually thought of a really good retort? (I don’t want to bash the lady, as I don’t even know her and assume her motives are the same as many of ours.) But it has to be the most annoying thing. The best I can come up with is “yes, I saw her picture on enough supermarket tabloids I decided to base all my decisions on her life.” Or something like that.
The second, is, of course, our legitimacy as parents. That’s what all the replies on her post are really talking about, isn’t it?
(Now would be the time to read her post if you hadn’t already. Link here.)
In a perfect world, parents who gave birth to children would raise them in happiness and peace. Wait – let me back up. In a perfect world, people would always think seriously about parenthood and its responsibilities before they ventured down the path of getting pregnant. Then, the single/couple people/person would cherish their child, and be able to provide them a loving, healthy and happy home. No-one would die. No-one would starve. No-one would go away. Everyone would live to a ripe old age. End of story.
But this isn’t always reality. Not in Canada, and not in Africa either. Pregnancies are sometimes unexpected. Parents can’t handle the responsibility. People can’t care for their children. Parents get sick. In Africa, people often die from stupid things like malnutrition and AIDS and malaria and a flu that gets out of hand when they don’t have access to IVs and other basic healthcare gizmos.
So it comes to others. Other people. When you see people not able to live life, and provide for their children the way they would like to do… what do you do? Look away? Pretend not to see?
Do you have a responsibility?
Is this your problem?
You know, it is extremely unpopular in adoption circles to talk about altruistic motivations for adopting kids. But, enter: the fertile (not proven otherwise, anyway) couple who CHOOSE, first, to adopt. Why are they adopting? They think it would be fun to have token black kids? (Back to the Angelina comments…) They want to travel to Africa and pick up kids as souvenirs? They are looking forward to people questioning them about their legitimacy as a family in the supermarket line?!?
Garbage!
As if!
Somewhere, deep in each adoptive parent’s soul, is a true and cautious and very purposeful sense of responsibility. We can’t change the world and the way it works. But we can pick up where someone else has left off. We have a home, and love, and several measures of happiness each week – and there are children out there that are desperate for love and family… since Plan A (see above) didn’t work out.
So we adopt. We, in this crazy chaotic universe, zip and zag and bump into these other beings whose destiny is intertwined with ours. And we get to know each other… and we share… and we experience… and over time, we develop these unshakable bonds called “familyness.” We become a part of each other. Our identity includes these other people.
Crazy!
And yet, not really.
After all, do you remember when you first met your best friend? Or a moment in your past that defines your relationship with your siblings? Or that time, when you looked at a blood relation and thought: “this person really is NOT me. Not even a little bit of me.”
Family is not really blood. It’s the relationships. It’s your connection to each other~ and how much of your self, is their self. That is family.
So are adoptive situations legitimate family situations?
Who knows? ~from the outside. Really. Just as you don’t know if a blood family is truly family. Because, adoptive, blood, friends, relations or otherwise, LEGITIMATE families love, care for and are interconnected. Period.
So CAN an adoptive family be as legitimate as one developed through birth?
Damn straight.
Those altruistic reasons for filling out paperwork and flying across the globe and hugging a child for the first time who screams and looks at you like your are an alien (because your hair is red and your skin is white) is just the first, chaotic, intersection of independent beings. What forms with love and care and respect over the next many years - that, that relationship – that is legitimate “familyness.”
The meeting is incidental.
.
”Your children come through you;
but not from you,
and though they are with you,
they belong not to you.”
~ Kahil Gibran
yes yes yes.
thank you.
oh, and I admire your retort, and will offer a variation: “wow, so did you get pregnant because Katie and Tom did?”
sigh. people.
Great Post!!!!! I really enjoyed reading it.
I really can relate to these feelings. When you spoke about the couple who have altruistic motives (because they don’t have any fertility problems that they know of), I felt like you were describing Matthew and I.
I really do get the feeling that as soon as I tell someone we are adopting from Ethiopia they are wondering what our motives are. People are quick to assume that you are adopting because you can’t have children and then when they find out that this was not the reason you are adopting they jump to another conclusion i.e. like you want the “token” black child (as you talked about). The truth is, like you said, what is “trendy” or easy about having to answer to the legitimacy of your family in the grocery line as I am sure many of us may (what a great point you made with that).
I believe by adopting we are filling a need for both us and for a child. We really want to be parents and adopting will fill our need in this way. We also think there is a child out there who really needs a family and the love and security that goes with that. As you said, I also get the feeling that it is taboo to admit in an adoption circle that you think you are doing something good for a child by adopting them. The truth is if we didn’t think we were doing something that would benefit the child then we wouldn’t be going through this process.
To me adoption is just another way to buid a family, and it doesn’t have to be as big a deal or as complex as it might be made out to be. To me family is defined by the relationships you have with people (as you were talking about). I love my husband as much as I love my parents and we are not blood relatives (thank goodness for that-haha). Why would anyone think I can’t find a place in my heart for a child in this same way. To me it’s not that big of a deal.
When I get a chance to post again on my blog I am going to link to your post, hope you don’t mind!!
Again great post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shannon (-:
Well said. *applause*
Shannon – I think there are two reasons that we don’t “admit” to altruistic motives.
#1 – You can feed a lot of people for a helluva long time with the fees and donations we make to adopt one or two kids. This is very true. Although I don’t know any adoptive families who don’t help people out in other ways, the truth is that we “invest” a lot in one or two kids. BUT – no matter how much money or time you give, you can’t provide a family for orphaned kids. BUT – we struggle with that. It keeps us up a few nights every year.
#2 – You are fully aware that international adoption has its plusses and minuses. Our children lose a portion of their culture – certainly their language, and even contact with extnded family members (sometimes.) They gain a home, a family, food on the table, love an a future. BUT – (again with the buts) this weightier postive has its negatives, and we don’t want to forget that.
I dunno – I’m just mulling here. I’m not in the same fire I was last night writing the post! What do others think?
Nicky
Hey Nicky,
1- I agree there are a lot of better ways to try to help the needy, and I don’t think anyone should adopt because their goal is to help world poverty or anything like that. I don’t want my child to grow up feeling like he or she is lucky to be living with me and that he is some sort of charity. No one expects their birth child to say “thanks for giving birth to me” and I wouldn’t expect anything of the sort from a child who becomes part of the family through adoption.
But if someone is planning on starting a family anyways then why not consider the children in the world who don’t have one.
2-I also know there are a lot of negative aspects for the children who are adopted (loss of birth country, culture etc). This is the reason my husband and I talked about it for close to a year before we decided to go ahead with our adoption. There are no easy answers, and when it comes down to it I really do believe that we are not the ideal solution for the child we will adopt. Ideal would be to stay with your birth parents in your birth country, but unfortunatley “ideal” is not always possible. We will do the best we can to be good parents and to keep our child connected to their culture. I would be lying if I didn’t also admit that this has kept me up at night. Can I be the parent that a child like this needs? Again no easy answer, but I am committed to doing my best.
My friend Paula has a few good posts on these same sorts of difficult issues :
http://mikepaula.blogspot.com/
I’m curious to hear what other people think.
Thanks Nicky for getting a good discussion going!
Shannon
I hope this comment doesn’t sound too gushy, however the issue you are discussing is an emotional one for each person and family involved.
For me, a family is a circle of love. Whether that circle is formed by two people who embrace and support one another, or by many who may or may not share a bond of blood does not matter. Bonds of love are miracles in and of themselves – they continually stretch to include a new person yet the stretching never lessens the bonds between others in the circle. If anything, it strengthens them more.
Why should anyone have to justify their decision to to include another person in their circle of love, their family? The new member of the family may be from near or far. The result is an increase in love and understanding between people.
Isn’t this the best path to internal and external peace and acceptance?
I salute you and your friends who are willing to invest their dreams, time, emotions and finances as they expand their family, their circle of love.
That’s MY Mum.
I got most of my ideas about what family means from her… and my Dad.
Endless pots of spagetti on the table for whoever might be coming to dinner tonight. Dad would refer to his “other daughter” – my best friend. And then other “other daughter”s were added over the years.
Afterall, that’s what true wealth is, isn’t it Mom? That circle of love.
My parents are very rich people.
We may not share blood with our child but we will share our lives. The cost of adoption is an investment in our family. Our child is not fortunate to be adopted by us, we are fortunate to have the opportunity to parent our child and see them grow. Family is not just blood and DNA, nor is living accomodations and a title, “Mom” and/or “Dad.” Family is a bond that ties a group of people together thru love. It is that bond that we wish to create with a child.
Barb
Nice topic! I’ve got some free time, so I’m going to babble!
Quite liked your retort to the Angelina comments. I’ve ranged from “Who’s that?” (I like it when people look at me like I’m from another planet, because sometimes I think I’d rather be!) to “I’m really glad she adopted from Africa, but I’m also really tired of hearing about her.”
As to answering others defending the legitimacy of a family formed by adoption, this one just riles me up as some of my husbands extended family think we shouldn’t have adopted outside of our race, and don’t see as as a legitimate family. Pets are more readily accepted as adopted family members than children. In my own experience, this has been more of an issue with people being unsupportive of transracial adoption, but no doubt others struggle with this too outside of that. It just makes me really mad! Ugh.
I too wish there wasn’t such a negative air around discussing the altruistic motives of adoption. Since I was a child, spending my allowance to sponser a child in Africa, I wanted to adopt when I grew up. Due to the costs involved, I didn’t think my hubby would ever go for it, so when I nervously broached the subject with him when we weren’t getting pregnant quickly with a second child, was I ever thrilled when he agreed immediately. Fertility challanges were a dream come true for me.
People are so quick to say that the money we spent on adoption could have helped more kids had it been donated, but do they stop for a moment to think of how many kids could have been helped with the money they spent on their new car? We could all live in smaller houses, with less, and donate far more to the needy, and we don’t. I think this should challange our principles daily. And let’s face it, a lot of us adoptive families scraped and skimped and went into debt to be able to afford the costs of adoption – would any of us have straight out donated this amount to help the needy? I regret to say that I wouldn’t, which thought has before left me awake at night staring at the ugly limits of my selflessness. But, it also underscores that fact that I really want to be the parent to a child that needs one, and will make sacrifices to that end.
I wonder if another underlying reason altruistic motives aren’t readily discussed within the adoption community is because some people come to adoption with the pain of having to deal with infertility, adoption not being their first choice, and they (understandably) don’t want to feel as if their surrounded by people on a moral highground? And so out of some degree of sensitivity to that, those who have come to adoption as their first choice due to humanitarian reasonings don’t speak up more? Just a thought to throw into the mix.
I think the sensitivity to the issue also stems from us not wanting our adopted kids to have to feel extra grateful to their adoptive parents. Perhaps this is emphasised too much though, as I can’t see very many people being so pompus and insensitive towards their adopted kids to demand respect and thanks on the sole basis of adopting them. It would be rubbing salt in the wound of all they have lost. So while I certainly don’t want my adopted daughter to feel like she owes me anymore thankfulness or respect than my biological son does, I want them both to be deeply thankful for all they have (us as their parents included), and compassionate to the plight of those who have less. Stemming from their own virtue and from the basis of the examples of compassion that their parents show to them (yes, adoption included), I hope that they’ll act to help others in they ways that they choose fit in their lives.
Great post and great comments!
In response to comparisons to Jolie and such, maybe tell the asker they need to stop reading the tabloids.
This is an important topic for us adoptive parents to reconcile for ourselves and our family. I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business how I build a family, but because I don’t fit the demographic (single caucasian widow over 40 adopting a toddler from Ethiopia) people are curious and may insert their comments and opinions. I read somewhere that as an adoptive parent, I’m #4 in the “best” situation for my daughter. #1 is birth parents. #2 is birth family. #3 is close community (friends or neighbors “adopting” her) so she could remain in Ethiopia. #4 is me, adoptive parent in a foreign country. The previous situations weren’t available to my daughter, and she (and all children) deserves and requires a family to support and raise her. I want to parent and love a child. It has nothing to do with other people’s choices. It’s important for me to understand my motives for adoption because this will be a discussion between me and my daughter and my family.
I really like Mum’s comments! Expanding my circle of love is a beautiful thing.
I got a chuckle out of your suggested retort for the Joli comment! I had a close friend say to me “oh you’re getting a Joli baby” (I wanted to scream at her but instead I said something diplomatic since we were at work). I’ve had several people say to me “don’t be surprised if you get pregnant now” and I always get the sense from them that they assume this would be the “happier” outcome for my life.
There are times when I put my “adoption education” hat on and help the person/people understand. Other times I just ignore the comment and move onto something else.
Great Post and Comments!
Oh where to start…
I am a single parent to my bio daughter and my heart longs to parent more kids. I have a terrible relationship with my ex and never want to have to go through that again. My heart also breaks a bit when others announce their pregnancies…
And the comments I get range from “you cant afford it, you are a single mom!” to the awfulness of “kids better off in their country hungry than to be raised by a single white chick and then they lose their cultural background”
All I know is that I want more kids in my house, and the love in the house is what makes a family.
I think I feel a post coming on…
Great discussion and valid points from all!
I agree with Gina that in the end as long as adoptive parents we understand our true intentions for taking this route and share that with our children that is all that matters.
As for Angelina adopting, when people say to me “how very Angelina of you” and they have…I just look at them and don’t say anything…they usually figure it for themselves and realize they have but a big old size 12 in their mouth.
Family is created by loving and sharing with others….no one says you aren’t a family when you get married…they just automatically start calling you a family. When people are divorced and get remarried they become a different type of family. I have friend from high school who is definitely family (he is like a brother to me) even though he isn’t a blood relative..family are those people who love and support you no matter what..even when you make mistakes….adopting is another way to make a family.
Here’s to all the legitmate ways to make a family
Rana
Oh and I linked to your post on my blog… hope that is ok.
Wow! Great post and great replies! Count me in as another person who’s sick of the Angelina comments!
Anyway, for me, it is true that our kids (both our biological and our adopted kids) are as big a blessing to us as we are to them (if not bigger). Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for each of them and don’t sit back and marvel at the ways our family has come together. Having said that however, there is an altruistic aspect that factors into our adoptions and is certainly factoring into this upcoming Ethiopian adoption. If we did not want to help out two more children who need a home and wanted only to expand our family, we would look at either getting pregnant or adopting a perfectly healthy newborn in our community. The truth is that our previous adoptions were of kids who needed families and perhaps would not have found adoptive homes otherwise (2 have special needs and the other is the sibling of one of those) and we would not have chosen that more difficult road for our life if we didn’t feel that we were helping. But then of course I have to come back to what I said before and say that I cannot imagine our lives without any of our children and we are the ones who are blessed through our willingness to bless others. Hope this rambling makes sense.
I also get super frusterated with the Angelina comments. Usually I say, “yes, I am basing my life and goals around hers. Can’t you tell, I am striving to be a movie star in my spare time”. Generally this shuts people up. But it is annoying.
I loved the suggestion about Katie and Tom,
I think I will try that one next time…
Call me cynical, but I once read a book where the underlying theme is that people are generally very stupid. They don’t take the time to educate themselves, and they are often too lazy to look at things from anyone elses perspective. Lazziness is the biggest problem in the world, nothing else.
I have to agree with this. If we all took to time to understand eachother and not make such silly and hurtful comments, everyone would understand what you so thoughtfully posted.
Hoping for a quick referral for you, I think you should be getting a call any day now!