Snow Day Activities & Adoption Pondering
Dec. 9th | Posted by Nicky
7 comments
It’s been a busy weekend, as per usual…
Jrock and I have been painting and staining and constructing away. I suggested today that we may actually be at the point in our renos to make a list of “things yet to do.” He thought that was a little optomistic.
Still, it is coming along. Al the cabinets in the kitchen are painted, and the bookshelves. We have a guy coming to do all the tile this week or next… so we’re just pianint a couple of rooms, getting ready for him to do his thing. All in all, it’s coming along.
I also got a couple of “snow day” activities done – I updated our database of friends and relations for Christmas cards. It’s always a big production, but I love sending them out – there is nothing like getting mail! especially a card and I love sending letters of all kinds.
And of course, we did a lot of talking this weekend. I thank everyone who posted on the blog, called, and emailed their advice on my last post. We got a pretty clear message – good advice – don’t change your request based on a quicker referral. And now that my flash of frantic frenzied referral craziness is over, I agree.
That said, a post and an email from our case worker at the agency have got me thinking. I didn’t realize that the vast majority of sibling requests are for kids under 3 years old… and that there aren’t that many sibling groups with such close ages. Rather, usually, they children are a little further apart in age… So the majority of sibling groups aren’t what the majority of people are requesting.
Anyway, to make a long meandering story short, I’m thinking about expanding our age range. Jrock worries (understandably) about attachment issues, and the bumpy ride with a talking non-English-speaking toddler. So do I. But we’re talking about it anyway. We haven’t come to any decisions. It just sort of surprised me when I realized that the arbitrary age range we had drawn in the sand is pretty much exactly where most people draw the line.. and there are a lot of kids standing on the other side.
So we’ll keep you posted on that one.
Nicky (& Jrock)
That is really interesting… funny because we are thinking that for our next adoption we will request a sibling group and probably would have requested the same age range. For us, that wont’ be for a few years so I have time to reconsider.
What a tough decision. I know that you’ll come to the right one for your family and I look forward to hearing what it is!
Hi Nicky,
For all my enthusiasm about older kids, I agree – don’t change your age range JUST because it’s faster. (In case that wasn’t clear before.)
But if the possibility of a faster referral got you thinking, and the news from the agency caseworker has given you more food for thought, then yes, think!!! And reflect and weigh options and realities.
Like I said before, older kids are great. Yes, there can be attachment issues with older children – but you can get those with infants, too. Remember that – espcially if it’s a sibling group and one of the kids is younger than a year or two – it’s likely the older child spent a few years with birthparents before going to the orphanage. So they will have experienced a parent’s loving care, and bonded with that parent. The move to the O will have disrupted that, but if an infant has learned to attach, that attachment can be transferred. You want to minimize the number and frequency of trainsitions, if at possible, but if it’s been only birthparents to O and O to you, that’s not so bad.
When my Giggles came to me, it was her fourth transition in just under five years. And she’s done marvelously. No real attachment issues. Some bumps and hiccups here and there, and some behaviours no doubt related to insecurity. But all in all, she’s doing wonderfully.
If you want more info or to ask any questions, feel free to e-mail me.
We’re off to Ethiopia in 4 sleeps, but I’ll be checking e-mail there from time to time. (And come January, can likely give some info on how Poppet, age 4.5, is reacting to his new family.)
Roma
Hello,
I feel your pain when it comes to the wait. Cafac was very good at helping us come up with an age range for us. they said decide what you for sure don’t want and then work from there. They also told us that siblings under 3 were the next most popoular after girl under 12 months. Cafac also told us to make sure of what you can live with. Also the reason for the large age range is because often siblings die who are inbetween the ages you request. We knew we wanted girls that was a nobrainer…..from there we knew an infant was not large on our list…..however we did not want to rule out the possibility if we had said only 1-5 years. Cafac did say the broader the age range the more easier it is to fit real people into that age range. Even if it does mean a longer wait for you…you have to be happy with your decision because it’s for life. Requesting what you have may mean a long wait because you are so speicific…you still have to be happy with what you want. It’s hard to wait….we are very happy with what we chose as an age range. The other thing to keep in mind is that the older you request the harder it is to nail down the correct age. If you do decide to loosen the age range it could hurry up the process, but in the end you have to be happy with it. I am a big advocate for siblings and older children. they bring such a joy to the whole process and to watch them blossom under your very nose is wonderful. We had told cafac that we were stating 0-5 years however would prefer a sibling group with both over the age of 1. I say that because maybe KL could help you out with that. By suggesting even 0-4 years you will shorten your timeline, but don’t let that be the only reason.
good luck
Debbie
I stated how I felt previous, however we are requesting between the ages of 2 – 4 (so one could turn 5 the next day). We are excited at the prospect of toddlers (due to the fact of having had 3 infants). You will do what is best for your family!!
p.s. I want to do Christmas cards, and probably should, but I am holding out for Happy New Year’s instead (still hoping to hear by Christmas – hee hee). This way too, my card will come when no one is expecting it!!
Have a wonderful week.
Guys – thanks for the thoughts.
Debbie – we definitely didn’t have that talk with KL – we’ve only talked to them maybe twice. We discussed it with our social worker, but really, we had decided before we even started our visits with her. I think it might have made a difference if we had…..
Thanks for your comments, too, Jody & Roma. Courtney – it’s food for thought, isn’t it?
Nicky
I know it is probably no comfort and you have probably heard it a hundred times but no matter how long your wait is, once those kids are yours, you will know that they are the exact two tht were meant for your family and the wait will not seem important at all because it will be part of what brought you together. No matter what you decide, don’t do it just to have a shorter wait.
I’m late chiming in here and you’ve already received excellent advice. One other good thing about older sibs, besides giving a chance to kids who are ‘less desirable,’ is they will have more memories of their home, family, Ethiopia – and that will be priceless for the future. You could record them talking about their memories and add details to their Life Book or something like that.
My thought is to never let the paperwork/waiting influence the family you are creating – but if you are open to older children….well, tough decision!!
Whatever you decide, it will all work out perfectly for your family.