Our baby girl Maggie scared the be-geebers out of us the other night when we cam home from work.  Her nose was all swollen up and gushing blood, etc.  I was in a bit of a panic and insisted on rushing her to the vet clinic – luckily, we have a pretty good vet and he gave her some pills and cream.  Spontaneous bacterial infection, he said.  This pic is a day AFTER, when the swelling had gone down some! 

She’s looking better now, but she’s lost all the hair off the bottom of her nose.

Jrock and I have been keeping busy, dreaming and plotting and scheming about our new house.  Finally, we get to move this weekend!  I think we’re getting a little addicted to renovating… J said “never again!” after the last 1916 house, but here we are with a 1940 “new to us” home to tranform. 

Just a few things, really: new windows, AC installed, new doors, tile in the kitchen and bath, kitchen remodel, ductwork put in for a lundry upstairs, painting every room, replacing all the light fixtures, reglazing the bathtubs, and spiffing up the fireplace.  The difference is that this time we are farming out quite a bit of the work, and, of course, doing everything with kids in mind.  Wish us luck with the move! 

Oh, and by the way… we rented just a moving truck – NO MOVERS – and certainly NOT from Two Small Men With Big Hearts this time.  We decided not to replicate the horror of last time.

I know, I know.  It’s only been 3 weeks since our file went to Ethiopia.  And Kidslink has very clearly told us that the expected wait for a referral is 6-8 months.  BUT… there are so many people getting referrals sooner… just a couple days ago one couple got a referral for a 3 year old boy in 1 week.  1 week! And several couples this summer had referrals for siblings in about a month. 

I know waiting is part of the process, but this stinks.  We’re all done our homework.  I’ve read every book on adoption and parenting known to man.  We’ve bought everything we can to prepare when we don’t know the age or gender of our kids.  Now we’re just hanging here waiting.  Jrock, of course, is handing this a lot better than I am.  He’s also a pretty patient man

Honestly, it’s all I can think about.  Work is going well – you know, I don’t know if I ever posted it, but at the end of August (just a week after I quit the last job) I got a call and am doing what I used to do.  And that takes time and energy.  BUT… I can’t shut off my brain. Writing in this blog was helpful for watching the time go by when something was happening.  But now I have nothing to write about kids/adoption because we are just waiting.

Waiting just stinks.  Referral soon… please…..

My mom and sister keep saying “remember to leave stuff for other people to buy!!!!”

 Well, actually we haven’t bought a lot of anything – (but just wait until after our referral!  I hope to make a cross border visit to Target and go absolutely ape shopping:-) ) But in the meanwhile, here are some ideas of books compiled by my friend Lisa… for those of you that may want to be buying for your soon-to-be kids/grandkids/nieces and nephews.  (And no Mom, I haven’t bought any of these!)

TIP: You can buy great books for cheap prices at www.abebooks.com (Canadian) and www.bookcloseouts.com

Books for Children (some are adoption related)

Mother For Choco by Keiko Kasza
Over the Moon by Karen Katz
I Don’t Have Your Eyes by Carrie A. Kitze
Little Miss Spider by David Kirk
You’re Not My Real Mother! by Christy Hale
A Mama for Owen by Marion Dane Bauer
Three Names of Me by Mary Cummings
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes by Jane Dyer
My Family Is Forever by Nancy Carlson
The Mulberry Bird: An Adoption Story by Anne Braff Brodzinsky
We See the Moon by Carrie A. Kitze
Brown Like Me by Nicole Lamperti
The Skin You Live In by Michael Tyler
It’s Okay to be Different by Todd Parr
We’re Different, We’re the Same by Bobbi Kates

Books about Africa 

*All the kids books by Jane Kurtz
Cornrows by Camille Yarbrough
Rain by Manya Stojic
Doctor de Soto Goes to Africa by William Steig
Tree of Life: The World of the African Baobab by Barbara Bash
Africa by Random House Australia
Pop-Up: African Animal Giants by James Dietz
Hugo Hippo’s ABC Fun Book in Africa by Designs Jacaranda
My Rows and Piles of Coins by E. B. Lewis
African Animals ABC : An Alphabet Safari by Sarah L. Schuette
Water for One, Water Everyone by Stephen Swinburne
Exploring Africa by Hazel Mary Martell
One Child, One Seed : A South African Counting Book by Gisele Wulfsohn
Off to the Sweet Shores Africa by Uzo Unobagha
Nana’s Cold Days by Adwoa Badoe
Hands-On Africa: Art Activities for All Ages by Yvonne Merrill

Two women have a special type of friendship when they have been “best friends” since grade 4 and 5!

My super duper best friend flew me out to her city for the weekend last week, and it was so nice to see her (and her husband!) We did typical girl stuff – shopping , eating out, walking her hilariously hyper dog Max- and just plain old catching up.

Can’t wait to see you here in Kelowna soon, S!

I know how much I cruised the blog world when we were deciding to adopt – are you reading my blog today because of that reason?

If so, this is a special entry just for you.  (when we did a blog poll, we found the were several of you out there!) I hope other adoptive parents will leave other suggestions in the comments, too!

Blogs/websites to cruise:

• My blog entries #1   #2    with a collection of special adoption moments.
• Melissa Faye Green’s blog, an entry on adopting.  She has 4 kids from Ethiopia, and wrote the fantastic book There is No Me Without You.
• The two Canadian Agencies: CAFAC & Kidslink.
• Adoption Learning Partners have excellent courses on-line, many for free.

 Today is the start of the new Millenium in Ethiopia! 

What?!?

Ethiopia still retains the Julian calendar, in which the year is divided into 12 months of 30 days each and a 13th month of 5 days and 6 days in leap year. The Ethiopian calendar is 8 years behind the Gregorian calendar from January to September and 7 years behind between September 11 and January 8.

So… happy Enkutatash! Happy 2000!

Jrock and I were recently reflecting that this really was a good move for us, to the sunny Okanagan: more time together, a more active and healthier lifestyle, lots to do and see, many family visits, challenging work for him, warmer weather for my knockily bones… plus our ”family” just loves it!

When our kids come home, they will be very overwhelmed with their new environment. New sounds, new smells, new sights, new pets! And most of all, new parents It’s really important that our kids are able to understand that J and I are their mommy and daddy. In order to build this relationship, we will be the only ones to feed our kids or comfort them for a while. We will also limit the amount of holding and cuddling by other people (even loving grandparents!) because we want to make sure our relationship with them is established as parents/children, (so that they don’t think Grandma, for example, is their Mommy.) It seems a little extreme but there is a ton of adoption research that supports these methods of building the parent/child bond.

Here are some Tips for Friends and Family we found really helpful from http://www.a4everfamily.org

Do

1. Offer household help (running errands, preparing meals that can go right from the freezer to the oven, etc.) so the mother can spend more time holding the child.

2. Trust the mother’s instincts. Even a first time mother may notice subtle symptoms that well-meaning family and friends attribute to “normal” behavior.

3. Accept that attachment issues are difficult for anyone outside of the mother to see and understand.

4. Be supportive even if you think everything looks fine to you.

5. Allow the parents to be the center of the baby’s world. One grandfather, when greeting his grandson, immediately turns him back to his mom and says positive statements about his good mommy.

6. Tell the baby every time you see him what a good/loving/safe mommy/daddy he has.

7. When the parents need someone to care for the baby for a night out, offer to babysit in the child’s home. (After the child has been home for a substantial period of time.)

8. As hard as it may be for you, abide by the requests of the parents. Even if the baby looks like he really wants to be with Grandma, for example, he needs to have a strong attachment to his parents first. Something as simple as passing the baby from one person to another or allowing others, even grandparents, to hold a baby who is not “attached” can make the attachment process that much longer and harder. Some parents have had to refrain from seeing certain family members or friends because they did not respect the parents’ requests.

9. Accept that parenting children who are at-risk for or who suffer from attachment issues goes against traditional parenting methods and beliefs. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.

10. Remember that there is often a honeymoon period after the child arrives. Many babies do not show signs of grief, distress, or anxiety until months after they come home. If the parents are taking precautions, they are smart and should be commended and supported!

Don’t

1. Assume an infant is too young to suffer from emotional issues related to attachment. Babies are not immune.

2. Underestimate a new mother’s instincts that something isn’t right.

3. Judge the mother’s parenting abilities. What looks like spoiling or coddling may be exactly what the child needs to overcome a serious attachment disorder and bond to his parents. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child who has had multiple caregivers.

4. Make excuses for the child’s behaviors or try to make the mother feel better by calling certain behaviors “normal”. For example, many children who suffer from attachment issues may be labeled strong-willed by well-meaning family members. While being strong-willed can be seen as a positive personality trait, this type of behavior in an attachment-impaired child may signify problems.

5. Accuse the mother of being overly sensitive or neurotic. She is in a position to see subtle symptoms as no one else can.

6. Take it personally if asked to step back so the parents can help their child heal and form a healthy and secure attachment. You may be asked not to hold the baby for more than a minute. This is not meant to hurt you. It is meant to help prove to the baby who his mommy and daddy are. Up until now the child’s experience has been that mommies are replaceable. Allowing people to hold the baby before he has accepted his forever mommy and daddy are can be detrimental to the attachment process.

7. Put your own timeframes on how long attachment should take. One mother was hurt when she was chastised by a relative who couldn’t understand…after all, the baby had been home six months. It could take weeks, months, even years. Every child is different.

8. Offer traditional parenting advice. Some well-meaning family members will tell a new mother not to pick the baby up every time he cries because it will spoil him. A child who is at-risk or who suffers from attachment issues must be picked up every single time he cries. He needs consistent reinforcement that this mommy/daddy will always take care of him and always keep him safe.

9. Fall into the appearance trap. Some babies/toddlers with attachment issues can put on a great show to those outside of the mother/father. What you see is not always a true picture of the child. Even babies as young as 6-months-old are capable of “putting on a good face” in public.

10. Lose hope. With the right kind of parenting and therapy, a child with attachment issues can learn to trust and have healthy relationships. But it does take a lot of work and a good understanding of what these children need.

When my little bro B and his fiancée D visited, unfortunately I was at the last week of my (now FORMER) job, and my boss wouldn’t let me take time off to spend with them. Part of the reason I quit!) But they did get to see some parts of the Okanagan themselves, such as floating down the Penticton chanel. We also go to take them a few places, including Mission Hill. 

I brought me back to a few years ago when J and I were on holidays through the Okanagan and he fell in love with wine… I was excited to hear that B and D might be joining our oenophilic club!

And for the memories… Mission Hill, 2003

Congratulations! to Jrock’s older brother D and his new lovely wife R on their wedding day today!  We’re very happy for you!