A heavy day
Apr. 29th | Posted by Nicky
3 comments
I’m not sure if I should write this post; I don’t know if I should publish it. We’ll see. I’ll let it sit for a couple of days.
Have you ever felt just overwhelmed?
I finished reading the book There Is No Me Without You today. I feel this overwhelming sense of loss, responsibility and helplessness. The book chronicles the real life of a woman who takes in AIDS orphans in Ethiopia, and each individual story of each child is wrenching and heartbreaking.
You know, I didn’t know much about this crisis when I picked Ethiopia. In a very superficial way, sort of outside my peripheral vision, I knew about AIDS and I knew people were dying. But that’s not why I picked the country. After researching different countries’ programs and evaluating them by the health of the children, instance of attachment problems, and availablility of infants, I came up with the short list: Ethiopia, Korea, and Kazachstan. J agreed that Ethiopia seemed the best fit.
But now, even though my kids aren’t home, this far away problem - all these millions of children grieving for their parents dying of AIDS – has become immensely personal. I found myself fundraising for Doctor Without Borders AIDS relief this year. I did talks at different Rotary clubs, to collect change for DWB and draw attention to AIDS and what is happening. I’ve become empassioned. Driven. A little panicked.
A man is but the product of his thoughts - what he thinks, he becomes. (M. Gandhi)
And yet I feel almost as if I’ve been tricked. Now that I know what is going on, I can’t forget it. I have all these little triangular faces on the inside of my eyelids when I shut my eyes and try to think of something else. I ALMOST wish I didn’t know.
And my dear husband J isn’t in the same boat. Yet. He’s watched a couple of documentaries but I don’t think it’s really sunk in. It’s in his vision but it’s not in clear focus. I worry about how the feelings that will wash over him and that he is very unprepared for what we will see when we travel. I mean, I’m somewhat prepared; I have been to a developing county before. I worry about his heart becoming as heavy as mine feels right now, and at the same time as adjusting to becoming a father.
Some days are heavier than others. This was a heavy day. I’m sure tomorrow will be lighter.
Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace, to be real, must be unaffected by outside circumstances. (M. Gandhi)
Hey Nicky,
I can definitely feel for you – it seems a common tale that something tugs you along to Ethiopia completely unaware and when you start digging what you uncover is your tender heart torn apart by what you didn’t know – the thing to remember is not to letter depression take our power or overwhelm us – what we are here to do is inform and act – so spirits up and remember that the day before the light didn’t shine in the new recesses of your mind.
Jessie
Hi Nicky. As you know, I’ve been feeling the same way of late. Before I started the adoption, a part of me was always a bit relieved that I lived so far away from the problems that I could ‘ignore’ them when I got tired of feeling bad. But that’s no longer an option. I realize these children don’t have the option to ignore what’s going on when they get tired – it is their lives – all day, every day. And to think our soon-to-be children are suffering so much – to be exposing ourselves to more of the details than we ever did before – it has become very personal.
My current way to cope is to spread the word when I can – not through my blog so much, as I know the people who visit it are already doing what they can – but I’ve being making more thoughtful decisions – for example, making charitable donations in lieu of birthday gifts (I loved how your sister did that for you). And gathering donations for the Addis orphanage and foster home. As individuals we can only do so much – as a group, we can accomplish so much more.
p.s. I just brought Melissa’s book.
Hi….This is the first time I have read your site, but I really relate to this post. I felt the same way after seeing a documentary on TV about 5 years ago, and after I read that book. I have also travelled to Ethiopia to volunteer, and unfortunately the feelings only get stronger. It feels sometimes that my heart weighs about 50 pounds, and even heavier when I think of how many people in this world suffer needlessly. I ask myself often “what can I do”? It is so unfair that the families I met while in Ethiopia have to sleep 7-8 to one bed (if they are lucky enough to even have one). Or one girl I completely fell in love with while there, I found out on the last day of my trip, lives in a outdoor community kitchen with her grandmother, and sleeps on the cold ground. How is it I can have 3 beds, 2 couches, one airmattress for only my husband and I, and she not even have a place to call home.
Obviously I am still trying to decipher my emotions, but I do want you to know, that the amount of joy and courage the people you will meet while there have, is amazing. You prepare yourself to see only devistation and sadness, when in some ways it is the opposite. It seems impossible to explain, but I know you will understand when you travel. I think the fundraising you are doing for DWB is making the difference in the lives of families, and as long as we try our best to make the world a better place, and encourage others to do the same, we should have ease in our hearts.
Julie