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WIBMAD: Well-intentioned but Misinformed Adoption Disorder
[Definition] Things nice people say about adoption that are unintentionally hurtful or annoying.  Derivative: WIBMAID, term coined by Avery. (To read Avery’s complete post: click here.)

So after a whirlwind trip to Kelowna, Jrock and I caught a gust of wind and roared back and forth to Saskatoon for the day.  We do a lot of talking on these trips… We talked about if we are going to adopt one or two kids at once (both of us are now leaning towards two… are we crazy?!?)… if I am going to stay at home for a while, work part-time, and if my parents will be in the area for babysitting [hint hint])… we also talked about things we should prepare ourselves for.  Like the things that people say about adopting that they have no idea are hurtful or annoying.

Now, there are jerks out there, who will give us and our kids grief because they’ll be black and we’ll be white, etc.  But mostly people, just like we were, are unfamiliar with adoption.  So here, for the info of my loving family and friends (and the general interested public) are some things to think about.

• IF you have to differentiate, please use the terms “adopted” and “biological” kids.  First, please consider if it’s even necessary to differentiate.  If you are introducing us, please just say “Nicky and Jrock and their kids.”  That said, if is is pertinent to the conversation, don’t feel you have to avoid the fact that our kids are adopted.  We’ll be proud to have adopted them, and there is no shame that they’ll be adopted from Ethiopia.
• Watch for the trap of referring to biological kids as “real kids” or “kids of their own.”  The implication is that adopted kids aren’t our “real” kids or our “own” kids.  Of course they will be real and our own!   It seems wordsmithing… but think who is listening with wide brown eyes as you are talking about them or adoption.  And this is the thing that I hear the most.
• Are kids will not be “African American.”  Nationality wise, they’ll be Canadians, from Ethiopia. Colour-wise, they’ll be “black” (or brown is true too!) Ethnically, they will be Ethiopian. 
• Watch out for even positive stereotypes: there is no guarantee that our kids will be better at sports or music, just because they’re black. (although Jrock is crossing his fingers that his son will be good at football, there are no guarantees!!)
• Please don’t assume that our kids should be any more obediant, well-mannered or grateful than their peers because they will be adopted.  We have no expectations that they owe us anything for being adopted… it’s a two-way interaction; we’ll be as lucky as they will be.
• Don’t be surprised if we call you up on any kind of racist or sexist remarks.  (Not that it is a habit with many of our fam&friends, but still…) Why the PC police? Basically, if it’s ok to put someone else down because of their race/gender, our kids will get the message that racism towards them is ok as well.  Which it isn’t.
• And if you are out with our kids without us there, or have to answer questions and don’t know what to say, don’t worry – we will arm you.  In a subsequent post, Jrock and I will write out or “best replies” to the Frequently Asked Questions.  You can come up with your own, of course.  Just keep in mind that you will be answering firstly for the benefit of our kids’ ears.

Now, you may think we are trying to be overly PC or shelter our kids.  Shelter to some degree, true…  They will get racism a plenty, and though we will teach them how to deal with it, we can’t control what strangers say.  What we CAN control, however, is our reactions.  And it will be so very important for us and our close family and friends to answer questions and reply to comments for our children’s ears… to affirm that they belong to our family, that they are loved and have the same rights as all the rest of the family members.

Anyway, enough of that important but serious stuff.  Jrock and I have come a long LONG way in our adoption journey already, especially in the learning department.  We’re so glad you’re along for the ride and we’re glad we get to share some of these things we’ve learned.

Cheers, Nicky.