Jrock and I watched Sandi and Jason’s video yesterday of their first trip to Ethiopia and when they first met their son Robel. 

J and I were considerably moved… when I asked Jrock what was going through his head, he just said, “It’s just that he was holding them so tight… It’s like he didn’t ever want to let go.” Watch their beautiful video here.

This is such a cute video – just click the graphic and wait.  You can see what some Ethiopian children look like…  J and I have watched it several times, just imagining what our kids will look like -

This video is from AHOPE (a children’s care centre for HIV positive kids.)  

I’m not sure if I should write this post; I don’t know if I should publish it. We’ll see.  I’ll let it sit for a couple of days.

Have you ever felt just overwhelmed?

I finished reading the book There Is No Me Without You today. I feel this overwhelming sense of loss, responsibility and helplessness.  The book chronicles the real life of a woman who takes in AIDS orphans in Ethiopia, and each individual story of each child is wrenching and heartbreaking.

You know, I didn’t know much about this crisis when I picked Ethiopia.  In a very superficial way, sort of outside my peripheral vision, I knew about AIDS and I knew people were dying.  But that’s not why I picked the country.  After researching different countries’ programs and evaluating them by the health of the children, instance of attachment problems, and availablility of infants, I came up with the short list: Ethiopia, Korea, and Kazachstan. J agreed that Ethiopia seemed the best fit.

But now, even though my kids aren’t home, this far away problem - all these millions of children grieving for their parents dying of AIDS – has become immensely personal.  I found myself fundraising for Doctor Without Borders AIDS relief this year.  I did talks at different Rotary clubs, to collect change for DWB and draw attention to AIDS and what is happening.  I’ve become empassioned.  Driven.  A little panicked.

A man is but the product of his thoughts - what he thinks, he becomes. (M. Gandhi)

And yet I feel almost as if I’ve been tricked.  Now that I know what is going on, I can’t forget it.  I have all these little triangular faces on the inside of my eyelids when I shut my eyes and try to think of something else.  I ALMOST wish I didn’t know.

And my dear husband J isn’t in the same boat.  Yet.  He’s watched a couple of documentaries but I don’t think it’s really sunk in.  It’s in his vision but it’s not in clear focus.  I worry about how the feelings that will wash over him and that he is very unprepared for what we will see when we travel.  I mean, I’m somewhat prepared; I have been to a developing county before.  I worry about his heart becoming as heavy as mine feels right now, and at the same time as adjusting to becoming a father.

Some days are heavier than others.  This was a heavy day. I’m sure tomorrow will be lighter.

Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace, to be real, must be unaffected by outside circumstances. (M. Gandhi)

So we fired off our application to Kidslink today, the federal agency.  It feels to great to be actually making some progress.  We’re also photocopying passports, collecting up birth certificates, getting criminal record checks, interpol clearance, etc. etc.  Yipee!

And, we decided.  We are applying for TWO – yes, that’s 2! – children.  Are we crazy?  Maybe!  But we’re definately excited.

I caught Stephanie Nolan on “the Hour” with George Stroumboulopoulos.  Stephanie’s The Globe and Mail’s correspondent in Africa. Her latest book is ’28: stories of AID in Africa.’

Watch the video of her interview.  (Her cheeky intelligence reminds me of my best friend, S):

http://www.cbc.ca/thehour/video.php?id=1549

My sister and her husband sent our belated birthday gifts a week or so ago.  She wrote:

“J: Just because I know how much you love them, M & I got you a goat! (for a family in Zambia)

Nica: Just thinking about you becoming  a Mama yourself in the next few years, so I thought a Mama Kit for a woman and her child in Uganda was appropriate.

For the people who have everything they need…something for someone else!”

We loved the gifts, actually.  It was especially witty, since Jrock hates the smell of goats – even goat cheese.  J was pretty funny though – he commented that his present was WAY better – “after all, think of all the things that you can do with a goat! -milk it, breed it and sell the young, eat it, have it for companionship…”

So to that family in Zambia, Happy Birthday! Enjoy your goat!  And Happy Birthday to all the little ones who benefit from the Mama kits!

Do you know someone who is hard to buy for? http://www.plancanada.ca/

I’ve now read 20+ (literally) books on international adoption. (The best by far was The Complete Book of International Adoption: A Step by Step Guide to Finding Your Child, by the way.)  I’ve also read the two tomes, What to Expect in the First Year and What to Expect in the Toddler Years. But probably none of these books have been as impactful as one given to me by my mom: Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder.  I had heard of Last Child in the Woods, and now I have my copy inscribed with “To my child of the woods.” Thanks Mom!

So the basic summary of the book is this: Children today spend increasing amounts of time in secondary experiences, in front of TV and computer screens (44 hours a week average.)  These same kids are spending less and less time outside, discovering the joys of nature in free and creative play.  They don’t know where their food comes from… they have closer connections to pets but less of an understanding of wildness.  They get that tigers come from the jungle, but they have no idea what lives in their own backyard.. no intimate connection.  Parents wrap their kids in bubblewrap and don’t let them climb trees or build forts, worried they will get hurt.  Their lives are more scheduled and goal focused, but they don’t develop the first hand experience, creativity, and compassion for the natural world as those that spend time outside.  The results?  Increased child obesity,  depression sue to a lack of sun and fresh air, and a lack of realworld maturity from taking risks.

That’s the jist of it.  I’ve included some of my journal notes on the book, for you to have a look at and consider.  To throw this into the positive realm, I’ve made a commitment that my children will not much watch much TV at all before they go to kindergarten, not play on the computer.  No Baby Einstein, sorry.  We’ll try to spend a lot of time outside, experiencing new things, like making leaf prints, catching bugs, creating collections with their dad (Jrock had this crazy book of deer pictures when he was a kid!)  and fishing with grandpa.  I hope my children will have the same joy of nature that my parents cultivated in me.. and that Jrock will miss for the first time when he changes jobs (to inside only work.)

Jrock and I are debating right now if we will live downtown once we get to Kelowna (so we can walk everywhere and be healthy that way) or live in the countryside and build ourselves a little piece of paradise.  Land isn’t cheap in the OK though! so we’ll see.  The power went off in our whole town last night, and I was reminded again of our goal to try to build and move towards off-the grid energy self-reliance, at least.

Anyway, I digress.  If you don’t have kids, I hope you’ll consider spending some time in a green space (even the garden!) to celebrate Earth Day.  For those of you that do have kids, check out these great resources for introducing your young ones to the great big wonderful world:

Daily activities to do with your kids during a Green Hour outside!

Research supporting the importance of nature to children’s development.

Video Interviews with Richard Louv on CBS.

 Read an excerpt from “Last Child in the Woods” and then buy the book!

So I got a warm and enthusiastic email from a cousin who discovered our blog.  It totally made my evening, actually.   S took me to task, though, because she said I haven’t written any of the important information!   So, thank you so much for your email, and here are the answers for everyone:

So you are expecting! When are you due?
We have filled out the first round of paperwork (the easy stuff) and will be sending it off to the agencies as soon as we are moved and settled… which is in about a month or so.  Then, we’ll have about 3-4 months of the intense paperwork and visits from social workers.  After that, it could be anytime from a month or 8 months before we get a referral (this is when the agency proposes a match and we decide if we will accept the match or not.)  Then, it can be a month to 4 months before we travel and pick him/her/them up.  SO…. we are “due” in 6-18 months!  The courts shut down for a few months in Ethiopia each summer, so we’re looking at probably next spring or the fall.

Where are you registered so I can shower you with gifts?
We’ll hold out on that one until we get our referral, I think.  Right now, we don’t know how many kids we will be having, their ages or their genders! so it makes it hard to buy stuff.  But as soon as that referral comes in, let’s shop! Sofar, all I have been able to sensiblybuy is a few books (150+ …ok, so maybe I went a little overboard… but you always need more kids books!) and 3 diaper bags off ebay. 

And one S didn’t ask but is the most frequently asked question…

Why Ethiopia?
Well, many reasons.  Firstly, Ethiopia has a great program… there are children of all ages, including infants and siblings, available for adoption.  There is a real need – there are 34 million orphans in sub-Saharan Africa, including 11 million due to losing parents to AIDS.  The children are very well loved and cared for (3 kids to 1 adult in foster care.)  They are reasonably healthy, almost never have FAS, and have a very low rate of attachment disorder.  The children are lovely, (really, Ethiopian people in general are known for their beauty;) the culture is so interesting.  That’s important that we find the culture interesting, since it will become as much a part of our family’s make-up as the Italian or Polish or German etc. influences.  And in the end, that’s where our hearts led us.  And that’s where our kids are.

Thanks for asking! Selam (Peace!), Nicky & J

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXi2pLQyp8s]

Melissa Fay Greene is the only author I know who has written about adopting from Ethiopia.  In this 3 minute clip, she talks about orphans and how adopting is NOT a solution to the AIDS crisis…

Despite the hard topic, she has some really funny stories about her kids… if you watch the whole thing (or the section labled “Funny Family Stories.”) If you’d like to see the whole movie, you can catch it here.

The African Children’s Choir is coming back to Canada.  These guys are SO cute, and all the proceeds from their concerts go to schools and projects in Uganda, Sudan, Kenya, Rwanda, Nigeria, Ghana and South Africa.

Listen to a sample of their music here.
Check out the Canadian tour dates, from Calgary, to Fort St. John, to Prince George, and across the country! here.
You can also buy CDs (lovely present!) and donate here.

So, it’s slightly unbelievable that we’ve posted 10 times and not yet managed to slide on a picture or two of our lovely family.  Introducing: Hamish (turning 8!) Maggie (6) Vega (3) and Haatim (2)… our family.

Obviously, we are animal lovers. Our house is a zoo. A menagerie, I like to call it!

We’re not really worried how our animals will react to kids.  Hamish is WONDERFUL with children.  He takes the abuse and loves playing. He is just amazing to watch with babies, how he sits quietly with them and how they just burrough their noses into him.

Maggie can be a little excited and bumpy, so we have to watch her with little ones, but she loves toddlers and even lets them play horsey. 

Vega is that cat that gets hauled around by the neck, dressed up in a bonnet and force-fed juice by an imaginative little girl.  We’ll have to watch her that she doesn’t crawl into bed with the kid(s) when they are little, she’s such a lovey. 

And Haatim, our big big baby.  Well, I think he’ll keep his distance.  He’s a little petrified of screaming drooling small people.  He’ll watch from a safe distance.  He is a really gentle player, though.. he’s never ever used his claws.

I don’t really think the animals will feel that neglected, since they already have to share us amongst themselves.  We’re just one big happy family!

WIBMAD: Well-intentioned but Misinformed Adoption Disorder
[Definition] Things nice people say about adoption that are unintentionally hurtful or annoying.  Derivative: WIBMAID, term coined by Avery. (To read Avery’s complete post: click here.)

So after a whirlwind trip to Kelowna, Jrock and I caught a gust of wind and roared back and forth to Saskatoon for the day.  We do a lot of talking on these trips… We talked about if we are going to adopt one or two kids at once (both of us are now leaning towards two… are we crazy?!?)… if I am going to stay at home for a while, work part-time, and if my parents will be in the area for babysitting [hint hint])… we also talked about things we should prepare ourselves for.  Like the things that people say about adopting that they have no idea are hurtful or annoying.

Now, there are jerks out there, who will give us and our kids grief because they’ll be black and we’ll be white, etc.  But mostly people, just like we were, are unfamiliar with adoption.  So here, for the info of my loving family and friends (and the general interested public) are some things to think about.

• IF you have to differentiate, please use the terms “adopted” and “biological” kids.  First, please consider if it’s even necessary to differentiate.  If you are introducing us, please just say “Nicky and Jrock and their kids.”  That said, if is is pertinent to the conversation, don’t feel you have to avoid the fact that our kids are adopted.  We’ll be proud to have adopted them, and there is no shame that they’ll be adopted from Ethiopia.
• Watch for the trap of referring to biological kids as “real kids” or “kids of their own.”  The implication is that adopted kids aren’t our “real” kids or our “own” kids.  Of course they will be real and our own!   It seems wordsmithing… but think who is listening with wide brown eyes as you are talking about them or adoption.  And this is the thing that I hear the most.
• Are kids will not be “African American.”  Nationality wise, they’ll be Canadians, from Ethiopia. Colour-wise, they’ll be “black” (or brown is true too!) Ethnically, they will be Ethiopian. 
• Watch out for even positive stereotypes: there is no guarantee that our kids will be better at sports or music, just because they’re black. (although Jrock is crossing his fingers that his son will be good at football, there are no guarantees!!)
• Please don’t assume that our kids should be any more obediant, well-mannered or grateful than their peers because they will be adopted.  We have no expectations that they owe us anything for being adopted… it’s a two-way interaction; we’ll be as lucky as they will be.
• Don’t be surprised if we call you up on any kind of racist or sexist remarks.  (Not that it is a habit with many of our fam&friends, but still…) Why the PC police? Basically, if it’s ok to put someone else down because of their race/gender, our kids will get the message that racism towards them is ok as well.  Which it isn’t.
• And if you are out with our kids without us there, or have to answer questions and don’t know what to say, don’t worry – we will arm you.  In a subsequent post, Jrock and I will write out or “best replies” to the Frequently Asked Questions.  You can come up with your own, of course.  Just keep in mind that you will be answering firstly for the benefit of our kids’ ears.

Now, you may think we are trying to be overly PC or shelter our kids.  Shelter to some degree, true…  They will get racism a plenty, and though we will teach them how to deal with it, we can’t control what strangers say.  What we CAN control, however, is our reactions.  And it will be so very important for us and our close family and friends to answer questions and reply to comments for our children’s ears… to affirm that they belong to our family, that they are loved and have the same rights as all the rest of the family members.

Anyway, enough of that important but serious stuff.  Jrock and I have come a long LONG way in our adoption journey already, especially in the learning department.  We’re so glad you’re along for the ride and we’re glad we get to share some of these things we’ve learned.

Cheers, Nicky.

I found these cuties on a proud mom’s blog.  Luke and Anteneh are brothers – one boy was adopted from Ethiopia.  Check out these 4 year old dancing maniacs: click here.

1. pays decently,
2. is interesting or challenging, and
3. works with nice people???

I know, boo hoo for me.  Draw that bow across the violin one more time…

Jrock got a great position, and I’m totally jealous (and very happy for him.)  But here I am flying out for the third time to Kelowna to interview.  The first few jobs I turned down are starting to look much more attractive now:-)

The other thing is, this job is a contract.  Do I really want to go back to consulting?  Consider the general instability, and, no mat leave either.  It’s work or starve. (Violins schrrreeching away here.)  But if I do go back to consulting, I will have a lot of power over my work.  I’ll be working on projects, which I find exciting, and get to dabble in new fields.  I guess after 5 years of a stationary job I’m just a little shaky considering riding the consulting wave.

Well, wish me luck.  At the worst, (the house is sold!) and I’ll live off my sugardaddy for a while.

Nicky